to be really hurt by this?

[WhodidyousayIshouldbe]

DD is 7 and has always been a daddy's girl. She will say "daddy is best" and "I only like daddy, not you". I know I shouldn't take it to heart but this week, all she has talked about is how she and her friend from school would like to be sisters and how they would like DH to marry the friend's mum rather than be married to me so they could share a mummy and daddy.

Everyone was laughing about it this afternoon at a party. Ha ha aren't they funny. Well no, actually, they aren't and it's not! I feel really hurt by it. AIBU?

I agree that 'fun' parent comments aren't helpful and don't see how anybody can make the assumption that the OP isn't happy and sunny doing household stuff with her daughter?

I prefer 'Mummy and I are a team and you are part of our team, we are a family' than anything about husband/wife love which could be confusing.

Whois... Did you husband hear your daughter's comments about dropping her friend's mum into your family set-up and ousting you? In your later post you mention that she's young and gorgeous... do you think that your husband made/would make a quick assessment and find you wanting? Was it the tacit approval (as you saw it) from the group of people who heard the comment? I suspect they were a bit shocked and embarrassed at the brazen and thoughtless comment. Maybe tell your husband your visceral feelings on this and let him reassure you.

I wonder if your daughter's friend put the idea in her head (about being sisters, I mean) and your daughter is just parroting it, are they about the same age? Is daughter's friend's dad still around? If not, that could be the key to it... maybe she misses her dad and sees the close bond between daughter and her dad?

Absolutely agree with Bettercallsaul about the easy parachuting of other mum into the equation and with everything else in her post too.

Wowsers.
Been reading this all and i think your daughter's behaviour is very nasty indeed.
no-one likes a mean, horrible, cruel child.
people may laugh at her behaviour but you can bet they are talking about it behind your back and quite relieved that she is not their child.
she's old enough to know better and needs to be brought to heel asap.
otherwise she'll get worse and no-one will like her.
i'd come down on her like a ton of bricks, i really would.
your DH needs to grow a pair too and give you a bit of support.
does he often undermine you like this?

i don't think I would be hurt by it - its just kids pretend playing. at 7 I think your dd is quite young and I cant believe how many people are saying I would come down hard on that kind of talk and saying shes being disrespectful etc. - shes not being disrespectful - she is playing - its what kids do.

as for crying over it - I think you need to figure out whats causing you to be so emotional - I don't think an adult should be crying over something a child says - its just wrong - to me it sends the wrong messages.

peggy. Every other poster has empathy with OP's situation even if they haven't been through it. Who made you the arbiter of what an adult should be upset about and the messages that it sends? Perhaps figure out what's making you need to post like that to somebody who is upset?

Oh, that's not on. One of my grandkids, about the same age, started on about how she didn't like mummy (my daughter), only daddy ... I pulled her up on this VERY fast, and in fact said something on the lines of what another poster said up thread - how would she like it if daddy, or mummy, said they didn't like her but liked her brother. Pointed out it was unkind and unpleasant. She then agreed it was and said she didn't really mean it.

Could it be just a phase OP's DD is going through?

DS1 is 9 and closer to me than to DH (not DS1's bio Dad). He's been interested in family history recently so we made a huge family tree and velcroed everyone's pictures on so he can change it about/add people. A couple of days ago he and DH butted heads about his behaviour, DS came into our bedroom and had DH's picture off the family tree and announced "I'm taking you off there, and there's nothing you can do about it". DH smiled and didn't respond so DS1 and I had a long chat about feelings and how it's entirely unacceptable to say stuff to hurt someone just because you're upset/angry, and that if he wasn't prepared to use his family tree appropriately I would happily remove it.

I left him to think it through and half an hour later he went in to see DH and apologise, and explained he was cross and trying to hurt him. I don't think it does children any harm at all to know that they have to pick their words carefully. And to know that intentionally hurting someone's feelings is as unacceptable as hurting them physically. A gentle conversation with you and your DH about how you won't accept being spoken about in such a way might give her a little eye-opener.

oldgrandmama that's a really good way to phrase it to a child, had never crossed my mind. Going to borrow that one if they ever say it again.

I was thinking that too, but I think OP's daughter doesn't have siblings?

oldgrandmama spot on there. My DS once whispered to me that he preferred me to Daddy. I asked him how he'd feel if Daddy said he preferred me to DS. DS instantly understood and promised never to make comparisons again. It's just not done in a family to hurt someone's feelings. He's 6 and I think a child of that age should be able to empathise about someone else's feelings.

OP I hope you manage to have a word with your DD and make her understand how upset you are. It could be that they're just playing and don't realise how hurtful it is and a gentle word is all it takes. Sorry you're feeling upset too.

You are not unreasonable to be upset
I think those who were laughing maybe out of discomfort were BU not to stand up for you, which may have made your DD feel more powerful with her words.

I think different tactics work at different ages and to tackle different triggers for the "I don't like you" or "I love Daddy best"

One response I use is to say back just as forcefully "well I love you very much" this generally is helpful in challenging situations
Then to talk about the use of words afterwards much like Charlotte333 did.
Others or even you can respond with "well it wouldn't be very nice if mummy said I like Hydidownthelane best would it?" a la oldgrandma
You could also try going on strike for a day and see how she handles it. I have done this for bouts of up to 1/2 hour when DS was littler to show what you do actually do for them.

I think the phase is normal, and maybe she does enjoy your DHs company more, but probably doesn't love him more- but it sounds like your DD is being empowered to be a bit meaner because no one is pulling her up on it.

and

reminded me of something else, sort of connected. I have a twelve year old grandson, and, obviously gearing up to be a teenager, he's started pulling his mum (my daughter)up on perfectly things she's said, even mocking her now and then, being sarcastic and belittling her, often in front of his friends. Not untypical teenage behaviour, of course, but it infuriates me.

So I take him aside and gently remind him that throughout his life, his mum, and his family, will love him unconditionally and for ever and ever, through whatever fate throws at him. And he should remember that, and respect his mother, and father too, of course - though in his case, it does seem to be his mum who bears the brunt of his sarcasm. I think he listens to me - I hope he does. It's just when he starts to sneer at or belittle my darling daughter in front of me, it throws some sort of 'Irate Grandmama' switch in me!

By the way, it wasn't I who suggested OP say to daughter something on the lines of how would she like it if mum said she liked another child more than the one being hurtful.

Credit must go to an earlier poster, GokTwo, who wrote:

*No wonder you are hurt, that's actually really unkind. I think it's sometimes absolutely appropriate to tell children that they have really hurt your feelings. I'd say something like "how would you feel if I said I'd prefer your friend to be my Dd rather than you? It would be very hurtful wouldn't it? Well that's how you make me feel and it's not ok."

I hope your DH is supportive of you*

oldgrandma you sound brilliant, you are a great person to have on side!

OP I can see why you are hurt, I would be too. Could you ever ask dd why she says that? Obviously you don't want to allow that behaviour or enable her to keep doing it but I just wonder whether the answer might be interesting? Not in the sense that I think you would be to blame at all but just whether there is something going on in her mind that you wouldn't necessarily think about?

Hope it gets sorted, you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Sorry, no advice that hasn't already been given but YANBU to be upset. Unmumsnetty hugs to you

Oh boy, lots of food for thought here.

First of all, she isn't a nasty child. She's actually very kind and motherly to her friends and very sensitive to others being unkind. She only behaves like this to me. Not all the time, in phases (this is the first time since mid last year) when she's tired or run down or missing her Daddy because she hasn't seen him for a few days. I don't seem to have been clear about that, for which I'm sorry. It's hard to read such harsh criticism of her. This is the worst instance, usually it's things like why don't you stay home whilst I go to the park with daddy.

The other little girl sees her Dad but he has never lived with them and I understand from what her mum has said that the relationships are strained. I knew I shouldn't have mentioned her being pretty. I was trying to lighten up a bit and it amused me that it couldn't be a nice homely mum DD wanted, she would choose an 'upgrade' wouldn't she !?

DH does pull DD up if he's around but I conceed that there are times when there is a bit of encouragement with them against me re their mutual love of sport but in a sledging good natured way not in a mean way. Maybe she misinterprets that.

I have done a mixture of your suggestions. I spoke to her this morning immediately she made a comment about the wedding game. At first she said she'd miss daddy most if we said we were going to choose another DD but she cried when she saw how upset I was and heard what I had to say about how unkind and hurtful her comments are. As we walked to school, her little hand slipped into mine and she said she was sorry.

DH is talking to her now and telling her how upset and disappointed he is with her behaviour.

I will talk to him again about how she can misinterpret his teasing.

That sounds well handled who. Hope things ease up a bit.

My DD used to do this but she was much younger, about 3. I found it very hurtful, mainly because I was the main carer at that point because DH worked long hours and weekends, he was like a pop star to her when he returned home and I could just about understand how enthralled she was when she saw him, but it didn't stop it stinging when I was stuck with all the day to day stuff and being told "Dont want you..want Daddy"

Your DD is 7 and should know better and though you've said the "upgrade" comment in a supposedly lighthearted way, I think there's something really odd about it. All the DCs I know in caring families would NEVER trade their Mum, I simply can't get my head around it and actually find it pretty disturbing.

I hope the chat you've both had with her does the trick, because this is really quite horrible and manipulative behaviour from your DD and can only get worse.

I don't think she's serious and I don't think at 7 she understands what she's suggesting. I think she's acting out because she's missing dad and I get it in the neck and I think she got caught up in a game with her friend that I took exception to because I'm feeling a bit down at the moment.

The implication that she doesn't come from a caring family is also unkind and hurtful. I love her beyond measure which is why I'm hurt by her silly game and her using me to act out her frustrations. Just because she's a child, it doesn't excuse hurtful comments but I realise that we need to get a grip on this. I was just looking for some support which, in the main, I have received.

My sense of humour might not appeal to everyone, it can be dark but "upgrade", "new model" is a nod at the fact that the person concerned is over 20 years younger than me and that's what middle aged women say when they are replaced by someone younger. I'm sorry if that hasn't come across well.

I think you must be very caring otherwise it wouldn't tear your heart up.
I am sure your DD has many wonderful traits, but this is a game she has gotten into that she doesn't quite understand, hopefully if you and your DH can pull her up on it, then it will help her to be more aware of others feelings.
By this age, your DD can start to appreciate the role you play in her life, and it may help if your DH could do a thank you card with her for all of the special things you do with and for her.

Rockstar daddies are hard to compete with when you are a SAHM- but they can enjoy the reunions but still support you when the children start putting you down in their excitement.
A chat sounds like a lovely idea
Also maybe just be a bit more proactive in when you opt in or out- be clear why you wont be joining them i.e you want to do x whilst they are out, or you will be at Y, rather than accepting being "pushed out"
And try to find you and DH time, when you spend quality time together relaxing.

I took your comments with the humour you intended but then I have a dark sense of humour too...

You've taken my post completely out of context. The whole point is your DD DOES come from a caring family, I never suggested anything otherwise. I work with DCs who are in very dire circumstances, many on the LAC register and known to social services who would have good reason to want different parents. My point is your DD is NOT in that category and should NOT be wanting to "trade" her Mum. I stand by my comment that I find it disturbing.

Who I think you have handled it very well, I was not in the least surprised you were upset. It's one thing for children to say they prefer one parent to another which I think does happen when children try to play one off against the other if one has had to tell them off or won't let them do something, it's quite another to plan with a friend to replace you.

I'm glad your dh is speaking to her too, I think he needs to address this too and explain to your dd how much he loves you and how he wouldn't want a different wife.

Hopefully, after today and you and dh both addressing this as a team it will not happen again, and you may well get a very special Mother's Day card/gift.

for you, children really do hit the mark with their words sometimes.

All the DCs I know in caring families would NEVER trade their Mum
Obviously it must be her own fault for being cold then.

Rabbit..you are also completely misinterpreting my post as well. But, y'know, goad away dear.

The whole point is the OP is NOT cold and is very hurt and upset by this, and quite rightly so.

I've worked with lots of DCs, from very difficult backgrounds, placed in foster care etc and the vast majority of them would always want their own parents over anyone elses, so for a well adjusted 7 year old to say this, it's plain weird and smacks of very manipulative and deliberately hurtful behaviour which should be addressed and taken seriously, not laughed at or dismissed as "dark humour"..it's not funny.