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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what arrangements you made when having second child?

85 replies

mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 10:38

who took care of your first child and for how long.?

my sister had a baby on Thursday and is being kept in till Tuesday due to complications. I have had their first child who is just under two since then. she is pretty upset as she doesn't understand where this new baby has come from or why she isn't at home. I haven't said anything to my sister as she has enough to be doing. I text her boyfriend asking him to come get his little girl and he said he is too busy they will get her Tuesday when my sister Is out of the hospital.

he isn't at the hospital all the time by the way I went up yesterday at four and he hadn't been up yet.

is it normal to expect a small child to be away from home so long? my dd is an only child so I have no experience of this

OP posts:

TywysogesGymraeg · 01/03/2015 10:39

Can't you take the little girl up to the hospital to meet the new baby and see her mum?

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 01/03/2015 10:43

Why isn't the child with him? When I had to stay in after DS2 was born, DH had DS1 at home. Am I missing something here?

Original poster

mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 10:50

I have taken her up every day for visiting hours.

I agreed to have my niece while she was in labour but now she has just been left here.

OP posts:

Babiecakes11 · 01/03/2015 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gymboywalton · 01/03/2015 10:55

my mum came to stay and then my mil came to stay.

dh stayed with me in labour and once i was settled on the ward he went home to his son, gave him cuddles and told him all about his new brother.

the next day he came to the hospital with his mum and our son and i came home.

i think abandoning the child with you is unreasonable. I think he does still need help with her but full time? poor child must be so confused!

what does your sister say when you go to visit??

Babiecakes11 · 01/03/2015 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mouse26 · 01/03/2015 10:58

pil had ds1 at their house while I was in labour, dp fetched him as soon as he could after the birth.ds2 was born at 3 am, ds1 was at the hospital with us by 10 am. If I had needed to stay in hospital, ds2 would've gone home with dp. I think your sisters dp is BVU, he needs to collect your niece and take care of her while you sisters in hospital

Christelle2207 · 01/03/2015 10:58

I am expecting dc2 in may when dc2 will be 21 months. Initially (specifically when I am in hospital) my mil will come over to help(so that it's easier for dh to be with me in hospital) but I imagine will go home overnight- doesn't live far away. However once dc2 comes home we plan to send dc1 to stay with my parents for a few days. He has been before and will get spoilt rotten unlike if he was at home with us. I don't feel it will be mean and tbh I'm expecting the first days with dc1 to be such a mess that he wouldn't be getting much attention here.

Christelle2207 · 01/03/2015 10:59

When dc1 will be 21m!

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 01/03/2015 11:01

Forgot to say that PIL also had DS1 so DH could visit, or he would bring DS in to see the baby. Otherwise DS1 was with him, he would do bath and bed etc.

Sounds like this child has been dumped on you. Has she not seen him for the entire time? Or her mum?

Original poster

mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 11:01

it's my niece I'm concerned about she needs to have at least one parent for some stability. she is pretty confused and randomly cries no baby. she is also very upset while leaving the hospital and it takes an hours or so to calm her down so I've said I don't want to bring her up anymore but my sister wants to see her.

I seem to be the only one in my family who expects the father of the child to parent. if he does anything at all its treated like He just walked on water

OP posts:

NickyEds · 01/03/2015 11:02

Your sister's bf should be spending the nights with his dd surely? I had my sisters younger children whilst she was in hospital. I moved into their house to try and keep things constant for them (it was years ago now and I was still a student-my sister happened to give birth in the holidays). We took them into hospital every day but once the baby was actually born their dad came home. Are you having your niece at yours whilst her dad is at her home alone??? If that's the case that's ridiculous. Fair enough you could have her during the labour and it would be nice for you to be around to watch her for the odd hour in the days after, but once the baby's born i would expect her dad to take care of her.

Kim82 · 01/03/2015 11:05

When I had dd1 Ds stayed with my sister for 5 days (I was in hospital for 3 days before he was born) as my dp was a lazy fecker and walked around fishing with his dad and enjoyed a good few days child free. Ds came home the day I came out of hospital. I then surprisingly split with the knobhead and met my current dp.

When I had dd2 my ex had taken Ds and dd1 away for a week but decided he couldn't be arsed keeping them for the full week and brought them home the afternoon dd2 was born (they were meant to be on holiday for a further 3 days...). Dh had them with him when he picked me up from hospital.

When I had dd3 my parents had dd1&2 and took them away for a couple of nights and Ds stayed with his dad. She was born on the Sunday evening and all 3 of the elder kids were with dh when he came to pick me up from the hospital on the Monday at lunch time.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/03/2015 11:05

He sounds like a bit of a dick tbh.

My Mum had DD(3) from 7.30am when we realised we needed to head to hospital. I had the baby a few hours later, and DH went home at 1pm to collect her and bring her to the hospital. They left about 4pm and he just stayed at home with her til about 9am the next day when my mum took her again so he could come abd bring me home (didnt happen til about 2pm).

No way would dd have stayed elsewhere unless DH had to be at the hospital.

Zusuki · 01/03/2015 11:09

What does your sister want to happen? Have you had a proper conversation with her partner and told him that his DD needs him?

My mum had our DS while I was in labour with DD and for a few hours after that. Then my DH had him at home, with my mum on hand to help out, watch DS for a few hours while DH came to visit etc (I was quite ill, so DS only came to visit twice during my hospital stay - once to meet his sister and a second time just to have some time with me).

It does seem odd that your sister's DP is so unavailable for his child.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 01/03/2015 11:12

DS1 was born just before DD turned 2. I was in hospital 4 nights.

It was massively important to me that DH be with DD at nights, and DD be in her own home - the first new sibling is a massive life change. MIL and FIL stayed at ours for 2 nights, so DH could be with me for the birth. DH and his parents brought DD to meet her brother the first day, when he "gave" her a present.

PIL went home after that and DH had DD at home and brought her in to visit me. It meant he couldn't visit for longer than she could behave for, butthat was ok.

DH brought DD to bring me and DS1 home from hospital - it was important to me we get home together, not that she be elsewhere and delivered back to a "new" family set up with baby in place.

Possibly over thought it, but we'd moved a couple of months before ds1 was born too, and I was feeling bad about all the change! It worked well anyway - there was no jealousy or upset until DS1 started walking, so wasn't a baby - I hadn't anticipated that that was when he'd become a rival :o

Your sister's boyfriend needs to get his act together - he is not behaving like a father.

seaoflove · 01/03/2015 11:12

She should be in her own home with her father, surely? She must feel very confused and abandoned at the moment, poor kid.

Hedgehogging · 01/03/2015 11:15

I only have one DD but this seems ridiculous to me.

I would have assumed you'd mind your niece for the day/night of the labour and then she'd go back home to be parented by her father.

Fair enough extra baby-sitting might be needed when he's visiting your sis but he is totally taking the piss now and your DN sounds in an awful state as a result. Poor kiddo. Her DF is a complete arse.

SaucyJack · 01/03/2015 11:15

I think this has less to do with your sister's birthing arrangements, and more to do with the fact the poor child's dad is a lazy dick.

What would happen if you took her home and dropped her off with him at the door? He can't say no.

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 01/03/2015 11:28

This is more to do with your sister choosing to have children with a complete dick who can't look after his own kids.

Momagain1 · 01/03/2015 11:28

Given that labor almost always results in a hospital stay of at least over night, if not longer, why would anyone agree to childminding for labor if they werent prepared to roll on with it if necessary? When my second was born, her paternal grandparents agreed to take dd1, but then I was told they were going to drop her off at the paternal g-gp on their way home. If I had felt the great-gp were a good choice, I would have asked them! My parents lived much further away than either of them, but had I known they were going to pass her around like a hot potato, I would have called on them!

I think sending a toddler home during this phase when her dad may be keeping an odd schedule, what with work and visiting hours and any errands or requests of his partner in hospital; would be far more stressful to the child than staying in her aunts household.

That being said, that no one seems to be in contact/cisiting with her and you daily (multiple time even) and no one seems to have prepared her for the idea of a new baby, or that she might be visiting aunt for several overnights seems rather lax.

SuisseRomandeMaman · 01/03/2015 11:29

DH and DD dropped me off at the hospital and i gave birth alone. They visited DD2 and i during visiting hours, we were in hospital for 4 days. DD2 was never left alone or with anyone. We live abroad so had no one to help us with DD1. DH felt him being with DD1 was more important than being there for the birth of DD2. If a GP could have been with us then of course he would have been with me at the hospital for the birth but babies are not always born to schedule (DD2 was 18 days early)

RedToothBrush · 01/03/2015 11:55

I text her boyfriend asking him to come get his little girl and he said he is too busy they will get her Tuesday when my sister Is out of the hospital.

FFS He is TOO BUSY for his daughter and TEXTED YOU BACK to tell you that he would ABANDON her until Tuesday. He's not even going to stop by?

I would be on the phone to him so fast, and give him the biggest mouthful going.

Even if he's working and visiting his girlfriend WHAT THE HECK IS HE DOING THE REST OF THE TIME APART FROM BEING A SHITHEAD?

Even if you do look after her until Tuesday for continuity he should still visit. No excuses.

Original poster

mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 12:01

momagain1 I'm more than Happy to care for my niece. I have her a lot anyway. just think enough thought wasn't put into how big a change this will be for her. I also don't think it is fair for other people to take up the flack when her dad is at home in bed. not at the hospital or working. if he were run off his feet I would of course understand.

I agree with you communication should be better

OP posts:

lertgush · 01/03/2015 12:04

Poor little girl :-(

I was very sick after the birth of my second. A friend looked after my oldest for a day while dh stayed at the hospital with me, then the evening he picked her up and brought her home.

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