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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what arrangements you made when having second child?

85 replies

mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 10:38

who took care of your first child and for how long.?

my sister had a baby on Thursday and is being kept in till Tuesday due to complications. I have had their first child who is just under two since then. she is pretty upset as she doesn't understand where this new baby has come from or why she isn't at home. I haven't said anything to my sister as she has enough to be doing. I text her boyfriend asking him to come get his little girl and he said he is too busy they will get her Tuesday when my sister Is out of the hospital.

he isn't at the hospital all the time by the way I went up yesterday at four and he hadn't been up yet.

is it normal to expect a small child to be away from home so long? my dd is an only child so I have no experience of this

OP posts:
VodkaKnockers · 01/03/2015 12:23

When I gave birth to my DS2 my sister had DS1 when I was in labour. DP returned home about 10pm that night and DS1 remained with till I got out of hospital 2 days later.
When I got out of hospital DP and DS1 came to pick me up and we all returned home as a family.

Harrietsferrets · 01/03/2015 12:31

We had it all planned that I would go to the MILs a week before my due date so grandma would be about when I went into labour. DD2 decided she didn't like that plan an it ended up as an emergency 3 in the morning CS. DHhad to drive to his mothers ringing her on the way to drop off DD1 and get back to the hospital in 40 mins so he didn't miss DD2 making her very cross, very loud complaining arrival into the world.

Groovee · 01/03/2015 12:32

By sheer luck dd was at MIL's when I went into labour. She kept dd until the morning I came home. Dh popped round for tea and put her to bed. But dh went to work and picked her up from playgroup then they came to pick me and Ds up.

I had prepared dd for the baby arriving and I kept in touch with home by mobile too.

Lucked · 01/03/2015 12:41

I think if possible she should be in her own home as it will be very unsettling if she goes back and baby is already there. I would phone the bf and say you are happy to help out and whilst labour and birth were unpredictable now the baby is born he needs to make time for his dd.

How old is your own dd?

Purplepoodle · 01/03/2015 12:52

I was very lucky to be out quickly after subsequent births BUT in that position I would be expecting my partner to pick up dd as soon as he was able and care for her in our own home.

Purplepoodle · 01/03/2015 12:56

I would be expecting him to pick up dd every night and put her to bed in her own bed then drop,her off back round with you for during the day at the very least. Does that mean she hasn't seen her dad since Thursday?

HappyAsASandboy · 01/03/2015 13:01

I feel very sorry for your neice :(

I made it to my scheduled c section date, so childcare was easy to plan.

DH and I dropped DTs off at nursery at 7am (normal for a nursery day) and then went to the hospital for 7.30am. DH collected DTs at 5.30pm (a bit earlier than I normally collect them) and brought them straight to the hospital to meet baby and see me.

I was in hospital from Monday morning to Thursday night. The twins were at nursery on Monday, with my mum at our house on Tuesday, with DH at home on Wednesday and in nursery on Thursday. They slept at home every night with DH. We basically tried to keep their lives steady while I was away. They visited me for an hour every evening :)

Keeping their lives stable was the most important thing for me. It did mean i was alone all day on the Wednesday and Thursday, except for an hours visit in the evening, but it was more important for my kids to have their dad than for me to have my husband.

I think your brother in law (and your sister?) is being selfish.

Squitten · 01/03/2015 13:03

My Mum came over about 5am when we needed to head to hospital. Birth was straightforward so I was home at about 3pm that afternoon.

If I had been kept in, DH would have been home with DS1. Outrageous that your BIL has just dumped your niece on you at such an important time!

ShadowSpiral · 01/03/2015 13:16

Unless there's extenuating circumstances - i.e. dad can't get time off work and has odd shift patterns - I would expect the father to be taking responsibility for the care of the older child as soon as possible after the second DC is born.

When DS2 was born, my parents looked after DS1 at their home while I was in labour, so he was there all of one day, overnight, then most of the next day.

Once DS2 was born and we'd been moved onto the post-natal ward, DH picked up DS1 and took him home. DS2 and I were in for about 5 days after the birth. That would have been far too long to leave DS1 at someone else's house IMO.

seastargirl · 01/03/2015 13:34

I was in for 10 days. My in laws had my son for the morning that we went to hospital and then he went back into his routine of nursery, daddy collecting him etc. My husband was exhausted from working full time, hospital visits etc, but our priority was keeping the older child who knew what was happening in their routine and reassured that they were still loved. I think to have sent her to you for so long with no real explanation is going to have an impact on how she behaves when she does go home.

BitchPeas · 01/03/2015 14:04

What an absolute arsehole. Why is he lying in bed all day?

I'd just go and drop her off to him, no asking just doing it.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 01/03/2015 14:05

This sounds like a perfect way to set up the most god-awful anxiety and sibling rivalry.

Honestly, I would be on the phone to him saying that abandoning his daughter is Not Fucking On and he needs to step up and grow up.

Original poster
mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 14:42

I don't drive and I wasn't left with a buggy so I have no way of dropping her off. my sister has run out of clean clothes for the newborn and he has refused to bring more up said he is too busy. I'm so mad at this situation

OP posts:
OhWotIsItThisTime · 01/03/2015 14:44

Planned c section. My df and dm came to stay so ds1 wouldn't feel pushed away by being sent away. It meant he could visit regularly while me and ds2 were in, and have his usual routine with DH.

seaoflove · 01/03/2015 14:45

Busy? Doing WHAT?

What a dick.

AGirlCalledBoB · 01/03/2015 14:49

I feel sorry for your niece and your sister really. Your sister is stuck in hospital with complications and a new born and her oh is not helping at all. I have not got a second child but unless there was a real need for me to need my oh overnight with me(with ds he stayed with me the whole time for 3 days and 2 nights) then I would expect him to be there for ds as soon as possible.

PowderMum · 01/03/2015 15:04

With DD2, I had to be induced so DD1 went to stay at PIL where she was a regular visitor. Once DD2 was born PIL brought DD1 to the hospital to meet her sister, I can't recall who DD1 went home with that night but she was with DH the next day when he came to take us home from hospital. DD1 was just 2.5 and fully understood what was happening.

However this isn't really the issue here, it is about your BIL and Sister

waithorse · 01/03/2015 15:23

Is he working or on paternity leave ?

Jengnr · 01/03/2015 15:31

The partner is a dick. A total dick. I think you should go and see your sister and talk to her about getting shut of the loser.

LikeSilver · 01/03/2015 15:41

Poor little girl.

I had an elective section with DS which by sheer luck fell on a nursery day. DH and I took DD to nursery at 7am and then went to the hospital. DH picked her up at 4 (as usual) and her night routine was as it usually is, just without me there. I came home the day after and my best friend collected DS and I as it was nearly DD's bedtime by the time we got home.

I was very conscious of keeping her routine as normal as I could. As another poster said I felt it was more important for her to have her Daddy with her if I couldnt be there than for me to have DH with me.

MissDuke · 01/03/2015 15:48

Op this is awful, thank goodness you are available to look after her. Does he normally do much with his dd? I am assuming he genuinely hasn't a clue how to look after her? I think you need to insist that he brings clothes and a buggy, otherwise say you will have no choice but to return dd to him.

ems1910 · 01/03/2015 15:51

Asshole.

With our second I planned a home birth so ds1 (6) would have been ether asleep if at night or my mum would have come to get him /sit in his room while I gave birth. As it happens I was induced so dropped ds1 to school, went for breakfast, in hospital for 1pm and out by 3am. Mum collected ds1 from school and kept him overnight. He came back the next day in the early afternoon as was off school, he had his first proper tummy bug as I has ds2!

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 01/03/2015 16:18

I laboured and gave birth on my own, no family locally, rather my child safe and happy than put myself first - it's what most women used to do, quite empowering in reality, you get on with the job in hand

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 01/03/2015 16:21

My eldest was 2 when his brother was born. I prepared him so he knew where I was, he went to stay with his de facto grandparents, but didn't see me in hospital as we'd both have got to upset when he had to leave. This time around they are having both boys while I have their grandchild, but same rules apply - they won't be visiting me in the. hospital.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 01/03/2015 16:26

... But they will be told this in advance, and continuity for them is important, I know my kids and not being brought home is easier on them emotionally. There's not a doubt that their stepdad would do the hour driving to fetch them every day if that was better for them.

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