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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what arrangements you made when having second child?

85 replies

mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 10:38

who took care of your first child and for how long.?

my sister had a baby on Thursday and is being kept in till Tuesday due to complications. I have had their first child who is just under two since then. she is pretty upset as she doesn't understand where this new baby has come from or why she isn't at home. I haven't said anything to my sister as she has enough to be doing. I text her boyfriend asking him to come get his little girl and he said he is too busy they will get her Tuesday when my sister Is out of the hospital.

he isn't at the hospital all the time by the way I went up yesterday at four and he hadn't been up yet.

is it normal to expect a small child to be away from home so long? my dd is an only child so I have no experience of this

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 16:31

I haven't said anything to my sister I think now isn't the right time. I just want her to enjoy this time with her new baby.

OP posts:
iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 01/03/2015 17:40

She has another child for gods sake, one she's abandoning for anew one, very nice

TarkaTheOtter · 01/03/2015 17:45

My DM looked after my dc1 whilst I was in labour. Dh went home to take over once dc2 was born.
Her dp sounds like an asshat.

Totality22 · 01/03/2015 17:46

I think it's very worrying that your sister cannot see for herself that her DD should be at home with her Dad?

I'd never dream of having someone look after my 2 year old for a period of time when his Dad is available and perfectly capable unless the issue is that the dad isn't capable?

My arrangements were for Mum to have DS when I went into labour and then when it was all over OH would come home to DS. As things happened I was on a 6 hour discharge [after a very quick labour] so we both came home together with baby but had I been kept in for any amount of time I would have insisted OH went home to DS.

One of my main concerns about having number 2 was leaving my older child. I wanted as little disruption for him as possible.

foreverondiet · 01/03/2015 17:51

Obviously if he is at work or at the hospital reasonable to expect others to help him with his older child. But he should be looking after her every waking minute that he isn't at one of these two places.

Completely not fair on either you or your niece to leave her for so long, unless you specifically offered.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 01/03/2015 17:52

Hang on. I thought when you said she was staying in due to complications and that your sister 'had enough to be doing' that one or both of them was seriously unwell and that's why you'd only spoken to her partner.

Now you're talking about not disturbing special time with the new baby.

If it is the former, I can understand not adding this onto her plate. If it's the latter, she is a mother to TWO children now. When you decide to have two/three/more you sign up to balancing their interests forever. From day one. You don't get to snuggle in a bubble with the new one to the detriment of your older children.

Lordofmyflies · 01/03/2015 18:03

They are both taking liberties. I suspect because they know you will say 'yes,'. When I was in labour with Dc2, Dc1 was dropped at my mums on the way to the hospital. As soon as I was moved from the delivery room to the maternity ward, Dh went back to collect DC1 and looked after her until I was able to come home a few days later.
Dh came with DC1 to visit in me in hospital, collect washing,deliver food etc! But we felt it was really important that Dc1 was made to feel comfortable and in routine.

DancingHat · 01/03/2015 18:37

I'm having a c- section which may or may not be complicated. DGM will have her during the day when she's not at the CM and then bring her for visiting hours. DH will either take her home then or pick her up on his way home after final visiting hours. He will look after her every night and then drop her either at the CM or DGM's house for as long as I'm in.

The boyfriend should have his daughter every night, even if you can look after her during the day (lucky for them and very kind of you).

OhWotIsItThisTime · 01/03/2015 19:27

BIL is being a dick. Is he off 'wetting the baby's head', by any chance?

attheendoftheday · 01/03/2015 20:40

WTF? They have abandoned a child with you for the best part if a week when you agreed to have her during labour?

That is absolutely appalling behaviour on both their parts. Unless your sister is very unwell she should be sorting out her eldest's care. As for the dad, I have no words.

Poor little girl, this sounds really damaging for her. If dad is flatly refusing to care for his daughter of think you could get some advice from social services. It sounds like your poor niece might need to be on their radar.

MaryBerrysLostCherry · 01/03/2015 20:52

Her DP is an utter shit. I was induced with DC2. Left DD at my parents in the morning. DS born at midnight. DH went home about 3am, went to see DD for breakfast and a visit to the park and collected me at noon. I feel for your poor wee niece.

Gemzybelle · 01/03/2015 20:53

DD2 is due imminently. MIL will have DD1 whilst I'm in labour but after that any time I spend in hospital DD1 will be with DH. I would have thought that was normal Confused

Smartiepants79 · 01/03/2015 20:55

My parents had my DD while I was in labour and over night when we were kept in. If I'd been in any longer my DH would have been looking after her!
If necessary my parents would have had her for as long as needed but probably we would have just arranged for them to have her in the day and home with her dad at night.
It's extremely lazy and poor parenting to just leave your child with somebody else.

TwiggyHeart · 01/03/2015 21:02

My parents had DD while I was in labour which included an overnight (DD2 born late in the evening). DH went and picked her up in the morning and brought her to the hospital about lunchtime then took her home again and put her to bed etc, I came home the following day. I was very keen for her to not be away from home for too long and for staying at grandparents to be a special treat, can't imagine why you would do otherwise...

MrsBungle · 01/03/2015 21:02

Her dp is a complete nob.

My dc1 was with mil from 11pm at night until dh went home from the hospital at 9am. The dh had dc1.

Turquoisetamborine · 01/03/2015 21:03

It will be a bit easier for me as I'm having a planned section so H will start his paternity leave the day I give birth so DS will stay with my mam the night before as we have to be at the hospital for 7.30am, she will take him to school as normal then H will take over with DS from when I've given birth and am settled with new baby.
Her partner is being a lazy, irresponsible tosser and I would be surprised if he's still around in a couple of years. She is aware of what's going on and should be telling him to step up to the mark.

southbucks77 · 01/03/2015 21:16

What I can't understand is why your sister hasn't asked to see her daughter? My heart broke being away from my daughter when I was in hospital with my son.

My story is much more complicated: I was induced on Sat morning but the labour went on until the early hours of Monday so my DD (21 mths) stayed with my parents until then. My OH came back to see me and DS at the hospital on Monday (after 6 hrs sleep) with my parents due to bring my DD to see us all on Monday afternoon and my OH would take her back home then. As it is my DS fell extremely ill, my parents visit was cancelled, SCBU fought for 24 hours to save DS's life. Even then my OH went to get my DD on Tues afternoon, brought her to see me and DS in the SCBU unit. We revelled in our beautiful, healthy toddler and couldn't have been without her.
As it was DS was transferred to London and didn't come home for over 3 months. My OH worked full time, took my DD to childcare, looked after her at night and still travelled into London 3+ times a week (my parents had her 2 nights a week). My DD was kept informed of everything with her baby brother and visited him 2x week to get stickers, go out for ice cream and be fawned over my me and the nurses. She still adores him 4.5yrs on and talks about hospitals with a smile on her face as she had nothing but good experiences.

Your BIL is an absolute dick!! And your sister seems to have forgotten her first born. Poor little girl.

AuditAngel · 01/03/2015 21:38

I was admitted to hospital with complications whilst pregnant with DD1. My mum was staying the night I was admitted, and she stayed until I came home. DS continued to attend nursery (which mum took him to) whilst DH worked. When DH was off he fed/looked after DS.

I was in for a month.

Similarly with DD2, I had numerous admissions (6 totalling about 6 weeks). This time my whole family helped out. At one point mum was away and my younger sister helped. My older sister collected DS from holiday club and took him to stay as a treat for one admission.

Original poster
mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 21:51

they tend to do everything without planning and expect everything to fall into place. I asked what her plan for labour was and said I would take my niece if it happened during the night and my parents would cover if it happened during the day. she wasn't expecting to stay in hospital long. when the time came my niece was dropped to me and bil just refused to come get her it's expected from me to do it.

I feel for my sister so didn't want to cause any drama but obviously she has chosen to bring two children into the world with this guy. they are a bit of a car crash but I stay out of it for my nieces sake. if I open my mouth I get cut out

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 01/03/2015 21:58

Yikes he sounds bloody charming - refusing to bring up clothes for his newborn. Our car completely broke when having one of dc and poor dh had to get three buses but he did it twice a day so he could help at the hospital and meet tiers dc needs.

I think your doing the right thing. Take care of your niece and give her lots of love by the sounds of it she's better staying with you tha a dad who doesn't care

RedToothBrush · 01/03/2015 22:07

They tend to do everything without planning and expect it to fall into place because other people allow them to do that.

I'm not sure you ultimately do your niece any favours by letting her parents behave like children and not take full responsibility for their children.

They'll just keep using people around them like doormats because they can.

elliejjtiny · 01/03/2015 22:13

Poor little girl. PIL looked after my older dc when I was in labour/during C-sections but DH came to get them straight afterwards. With DS5 the midwives kept asking where DH was and whether everything was alright at home because he wasn't with me. I felt a bit pathetic at the time so glad to read this thread and see that most people did the same as us.

Original poster
mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 22:15

I agree red I stopped offering help to make up for what he doesn't do a long time ago but obviously someone needed to be there at this time.

if I drove I would take other people's suggestion and just drop her back to him.

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 01/03/2015 22:17

How far is it? Can you get a cab? Honestly, I don't think continuing to facilitate such fuckwittery on both their parts is doing anyone any favours long term.

Original poster
mommy2ash · 01/03/2015 22:24

it would cost about 15 pound each way. I don't really have that kind of money right now.

OP posts: