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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wish there was a formula for calculating wedding cash present amount

84 replies

twoopsie · 22/12/2014 10:42

Not sure how much cash to give.

I'm just a normal guest, going on my own as a long drive away. Already spent 400+ on hen weekend and travel there. Know my cost for my meal is 90 odd. Well paid, but with 4 DC so not oodles of disposable income but both me and dh are higher rate tax payers.

Another couple are giving 50, but one of them is a best man, there are two of them going, they have no DC but earn averagly.

Hate cash as gifts. How much would you give?
Is cash anonymous at these things? I hear they have hired a postbox for 60 quid for gifts. Will people just be soting raw notes in?

OP posts:

PurpleSwift · 22/12/2014 10:45

I imagine if you're giving cash it would be inside your card. Just give what you can, I think £30 is fine.

Sn00p4d · 22/12/2014 10:46

Is the unwritten rule not to cover the cost of your meal?
Don't think you can count what you spent on a hen weekend as you could have chosen not to go to that, different if the wedding itself is abroad but hen weekends aren't compulsary.
I'd imagine the post box is for cards containing cash, so they'll know who the gift is from by the name on the card.
I'd think if it's causing you to worry just buy an actual gift and don't give cash at all then they'll be none the wiser as to how much you've spent.

DaisyFlowerChain · 22/12/2014 10:47

I have a formula, I just don't do it. If the invite asks for cash, we decline its as simple as that. I hate being charged an entry fee to a wedding. If the bride and groom can't afford to pay for the wedding or honeymoon without guests paying then they need to save for longer or scale back.

Fallingovercliffs · 22/12/2014 10:54

I agree with pp. Just buy a gift.

fourwoodenchairs · 22/12/2014 10:55

I would give £20

Original poster

twoopsie · 22/12/2014 10:56

Well the 90 a head isn't just for the meal, that's for the full package.

I'm thinking around the 30-50 mark. I usually avoid weddings but they are good friends

OP posts:

Gawjushun · 22/12/2014 11:01

£20 is fine really. I don't like giving cash as a gift, so it'd just be a token.

magpieginglebells · 22/12/2014 11:02

Just give what you can/ want to. We didn't ask for money but got between £10 and £100 in cards. Can't remember who gave what though and thought any gift was nice.

roundrobinhell · 22/12/2014 11:09

Exactly the same position here, OP. Off to a wedding in the new year, nice venue, also £90 a head (and the couple come from a culture where £200 is a normal cash gift from a couple). But it is costing us £500 to fly there and stay at the venue (never mind having to buy a new outfit suitable for a winter wedding) and I can't justify another £180 on top of what we've spent already. I don't agree with the cover your plate thinking at all - if someone chooses to get married in an expensive venue, they should do so on the basis that they can afford it rather than expect their guests to pay for that choice.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/12/2014 11:10

I give 50 for daytime invites and 25 for night time only invites. If I havent seen a gift I like for the couple.

Id do the above for everyone except mine and dhs siblings, in which case Id probably spend 100 (or pay for some part of their wedding).

FishWithABicycle · 22/12/2014 11:11

Giving cash to cover the cost of the meal mutates the concept of a gift into paying an entrance fee. Its nasty and tacky.

If they don't want useful household items either give them something beautiful like an ornament, piece of art etc, or make a charity gift for them.

You're a guest, not a customer.

Poochieblue · 22/12/2014 11:19

we didn't ask for any gifts at our wedding but a lot of people still gifted us cash in cards, most people gave £20 and i found this really generous. some others bought gifts, we had quite a few photo frames (incl a digital one) wedding date mugs, cute teddy's, a bottle of Champagne. I loved every single thing that we got given and wouldn't have expected anything more from anyone (didn't actually expect anything especially with not asking!!)
Not sure how helpful i've been but i wouldn't stress about it, i would hate to think that a guest was stressing about what to give and personally would have been happy with just a thoughtful card

Fallingovercliffs · 22/12/2014 11:20

I have to say I'm quite envious of you all in GB. Here in Ireland a single person would usually give about €50 - €60 as a present, and a couple about a €100. Close friends would give even more than that.

MissBattleaxe · 22/12/2014 11:21

Is the unwritten rule not to cover the cost of your meal?

Not in the UK as far as I know. If it was you could just sell tickets and guests could decline on cost grounds.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 22/12/2014 11:26

give them something beautiful like an ornament, piece of art etc

No, don't. It is extremely unlikely that your taste and thoughts about clutter ornaments will be the same as theirs.

If giving cash, I would give the cost of what I would usually think of buying as a gift - the fact that it is being given as cash rather than an item doesn't matter to me.

The cost of the meal is irrelevant really.

bridgetsmummy · 22/12/2014 11:27

I'm with falling
In Ireland too and would give €100 for wedding gift
We went to my cousins wedding in London last year and gave £100.
That's probably the minimum we would give tbh.
But I'm a firm believer in give what you can afford. There are no rulers about it.
And I hate this "cover the cost of dinner" idea. It's not a ticket you're buying. It's a gift!!!

Original poster

twoopsie · 22/12/2014 11:27

I agree with you blue.

I wish the invite had of just said no gifts, rather than no gifts unless you want to in which case we want cash.

OP posts:

Original poster

twoopsie · 22/12/2014 11:29

For Ireland well we were offted 2 Euros to the pound on joining the EU, before they trashed the pound printing money

OP posts:

Sendo · 22/12/2014 11:43

For us attending as a couple to family weddings, we've bought off the wedding list for £100 - £150. Close friends - £50 - £75. We haven't covered the cost per head since the last family wedding was my cousin's and it was her choice to have it at one of those country house hotel child free weddings. Don't talk to me about the hassle of us having to arrange childcare for the weekend since obviously, the entire side of the family was there. What really peeved me was that on our side of the family, there were only 4 children! We had to ferry the kids to the inlaws 2 hrs away and then travel another 3 hrs to the wedding venue. No location was at all near to each other! Stamps feet! We've got the joy of another weekend like that again this year....Grrrrr! Can you tell I'm bitter?

Sn00p4d · 22/12/2014 11:44

The invite said that?!
Fuck that then I'd be giving them a fiver at a push.
I've no idea who gave me what amount when I got married, I just know that I myself tend to go with the cost of the meal as a guideline, I don't equate that to "buying a ticket" it's just an easier way of figuring out, so if I'm a night time only guest they get less than if I'm there for the full day as a. I'm no doubt closer to them and b. They've fed me!
I avoid cash gifts at all costs though, pick something up in a sale that looks more expensive, job done.
if they send a god awful 'money poem' they get nothing

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 22/12/2014 11:48

I generally give a gift instead (if there's a choice). I feel embarrassed giving money, I think because they can see exactly how much I've given! It's a bit daft I know.

I tend to spend £40-50 (plus nice card and wrapping) if I'm going for the whole day and am friendly with both the bride and groom. So probably £50 for this if they're good friends (and presumably they did invite your DH, even though he's not going? So the card/gift will be from from both of you).

The other thing you could do would be a nice bottle of champagne and card. It means you don't have to worry about the amount to put in, and champagne isn't a 'gift' in quite the same way.

Viviennemary · 22/12/2014 11:49

No gifts but if you really want to you can give cash. Grabbers!!! If they meant no gifts they'd just say no gifts. I suppose if you're going in the day then £50 would be OK.

Original poster

twoopsie · 22/12/2014 11:50

Well no they didn't say that, but that's the message.

"Your presence at your big day is a gift alone, but if you would like to give us something we would like money towards our honeymoon

OP posts:

oswellkettleblack · 22/12/2014 11:53

Nice bottle of champers. £400 hen do? And the no gifts but cash? Your friends are crass and grabby. I'd have made up an excuse not to go. But since you have, £25.

oswellkettleblack · 22/12/2014 11:54

Yeah, that line is even worse than just pumping people for money. If evening only, then nothing.

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