wish there was a formula for calculating wedding cash present amount

[twoopsie]

Not sure how much cash to give.

I'm just a normal guest, going on my own as a long drive away. Already spent 400+ on hen weekend and travel there. Know my cost for my meal is 90 odd. Well paid, but with 4 DC so not oodles of disposable income but both me and dh are higher rate tax payers.

Another couple are giving 50, but one of them is a best man, there are two of them going, they have no DC but earn averagly.

Hate cash as gifts. How much would you give?
Is cash anonymous at these things? I hear they have hired a postbox for 60 quid for gifts. Will people just be soting raw notes in?

I'd get them something really small, like a christmas tree decoration with their names on it from a local christmas craft fair.

I am like that though, I live in genteel poverty and I feel unashamed of UNDERspending.

What does "£90 isn't the actual cost of the meal; it's the whole package " mean? Why are you so concerned that the couple's entire cost of hosting the party of their choosing should be covered by their guests???
They invited you, you do not have to pay for your admittance on the door.

If you go to someone else's house for dinner, you don't calculate how much the meal costs them to buy and cook and give them an equivalent amount. You just bring a bottle of wine.

Wedding presents have become ridiculous and too many people now see them as being a financial contribution to some OTT party with the B&G as star of the show. It used to be about helping a young couple to set up house together.

Agree with the pp saying it's an outdated concept. My ggm would probably give loads. I'm between 25-50 quid

I absolutely detest this grabby behaviour around weddings - no matter how it's dressed up it still comes down to simple greed/entitlement - and to me the huge sum to "hire a postbox" says a lot about what this couple's attitude is likely to be. If a couple really have got everything they need and honestly value your presence most, they can always ask for charitable donations - funny, isn't it, that hardly any do that

Just spend what you're genuinely comfortable with, OP - perhaps on an actual gift??

8 years ago we were given £20-£30. No difference between singles and couples. All were well off, professional jobs, no kids, expensive hobbies. There was a millionaire friend who gave £25.
That really is a reasonable amount, IMO. Zero also reasonable.

Absolute rubbish about covering the cost of your meal. Apart from anything else, how are you supposed to know in advance what you're meal is going to be or cost? Are we supposed to be looking up the venue and then guessing which package they cose or something?

Giving nothing is fine when someone is rude enough to ask for cash, but if you want to conform then £20-£25 is perfectly generous.

I dont know why some pp got annoyed with the poster who said it depends on income. I agree with her.
If a friend is unemployed or on mw ,part time etc then i wouldnt wanted them to give any money.
2 people on high salaries i think between 50-100. 20 is low imo.

Is the bestman giving 50 pounds?

You give what you can and what you want. We went to a wedding two weeks ago, so close to Christmas money is tight. Plus the venue was 3 hours ago so it cost a lot to get there and stay, so we had to give less then we'd have liked.

If they want cash, give cash or do as a friend did- she gave an experience day for a dinner out which cost only £20 but was for a value of £100 and was near enough to them. They loved it. I would't say give other gifts unless you really know them because your taste is not theirs.

Depends on the relation and how much you have to spare. I hate wedding gift etiquette. In my family, if you can afford it, you just don't give less than $100. It's just the done thing. We halved that for a friend's wedding and it was a bit much. Now I just do unsigned cards with cash or I slip a bill in the card box to avoid any awkward faux pas. I had a few anonymous cards at my wedding.

I'd rather do cash because I know it'll go towards a good time on their honeymoon.

I often feel like the poor relation at weddings whenever I hear about friends' dilemmas of how much to put inside the card...I've always been the one travelling the furthest to get to the wedding in the first place, so while I would love to give more I tend to include my £100-plus travel costs in with the gift cost...which means the couple perhaps only receive £20 or £30 from me. I wouldn't feel offended by this as a bride and would much rather my guests were at the wedding than their cash.

Thanks everyone, still no idea what to give. There is no right answer.

I'm tempted to buy a horibal big ornamental thing and pelt them with coppers all day, but that wouldn't go down well irl

Give what you can afford and won't begrudge

Second marriage. We said "no gifts" full stop. People still gave us things, especially cash and gift vouchers, mostly about £25-50.

Sounds to me like they won't mind not getting anything, but a token amount would also be fine. That message wasn't grabby as these things go.

I think if it was a close friend DH and I would put in £50.

We went to an evening reception a couple of months ago and put in £25 for DH's work friend.

For our wedding a couple of years ago we told people not to worry about gifts as people had spent a lot of money travelling to get there, but we still got cash/gift vouchers from £20-£50 which was a lovely surprise!

I'm pretty sure we haven't offended anyone

£20 - 30 is fine. That is what I would spend on a gift.

No you don't have to cover the cost of your meal and what you spend on hen night or attending wedding doesn't come into it either unless it means you cannot afford to spend another bean.

I wish the same thing OP! I had one best friend get married a couple of years ago, the other is getting married next year. One asked for vouchers, other is doing a 'pay towards the various components of our honeymoon' thing online.

These are my BEST friends, and I want to be generpus, but both are SIGNIFICANTLY better off than me. On the one hand I know they were paying out a lot for food/drink for wedding guests, on the other hand I have to pay out for international travel/hotel to attend.

I feel stingy giving £20 or £30 from DP and me, but £50+ does start to hurt my finances...

I hate that they can see EXACTLY how much you are giving, it feels so brash. Though I don't blame them at all for wanting money over actual objects, when both couples had already been living together for years.

I think I will give £50 as long as DP is OK to contribute half of that. Though they are my friends not his we are both going to wedding.

Several years ago I was invited to a friend's wedding at the last minute as someone else dropped out (we had become good friends after she had sent out invitations) and she had told me the wedding do was costing them £60 per head. I gave a £30 cash gift posted into their wedding post box at the venue. The couple had been together for 15 years and didn't need help setting up home. I never received a thank you, verbal or otherwise. I have often wondered whether it was deemed I had not given enough or whether they just never received it. I moved away a couple of years later and we haven't kept in touch.

"I thought the unwritten rule for the reasonably well-off middle classes was that you gave about as much as the thing costs per head"

Not unless you're American. It's still quite vulgar to look at it in that way in UK and the bits of Europe I'm familiar with.

I suppose that reflects the traditional idea that the party bits of a wedding are the smart version of the normal way you entertain, not a somewhat samey and maybe unaffordable set piece that seems to be pushed a great deal these days.

We got married earlier this year and I can't remember now who gave what amount from the cash gifts (we had a list but some people chose to give cash instead). I think it ranged from about 50 pounds to several hundred pounds, with the larger amounts from older and richer relatives/godparents etc.

Most people gave/bought what they could afford (we had presents starting from 10 or so on the list) and we were grateful for everything. Quite a few close friends/family members still haven't got round to buying us anything - because they're disorganised or broke or waiting to buy something specific - and that doesn't really bother us either... We have enough stuff already!

I don't get this covering the cost of your plate thing. Other than food and drink (surely nothing like 90 a head unless it is a very expensive wedding) most of the costs are things like the dress, flowers, church/venue fees, wedding party clothes, rings, music - all things the bride and groom choose, which are much more for them than for the guests, and which would cost the same however many guests they have there. I think it is ridiculous to expect other people to buy you an expensive present just because you chose to have an extravagant party. As someone else said, it is like hosting a dinner party and expecting other people to chip in for the cost instead of just bringing wine/chocolates/flowers whatever.

I would give a cheque or cash in an envelope, an amount which feels generous to you but also affordable. I can't imagine a friend judging you on how much you give. If they're relatively well-off - and if they're having such an expensive wedding I am guessing they are - a heartfelt message in the card, or a thoughtful thank you letter about how amazing the wedding was, will make a lot more of an impact than an extra fifty pounds.

Also the rule for a B&G asking for gifts should be to say nothing on the invitation. That includes no crass cash poems or "no gifts please" or "donations to XXX", thus guests can choose a gift to give to the couple.

If guests ask the couple what they'd like (and most will or will just give money), it's fine for the couple to then offer suggestions.

It is pretty vulgar to mention gifts on invitations IMO, ditto for those dreadful postboxes.

Not even if you are American . People usually have gift lists there.

Two people on high salaries may have very high outgoings. It's pretty vulgar to pump your guests for money as it is and then expect those on higher incomes to give more.

Also the rule for a B&G asking for gifts should be to say nothing on the invitation. That includes no crass cash poems or "no gifts please" or "donations to XXX", thus guests can choose a gift to give to the couple

If guests ask the couple what they'd like (and most will or will just give money), it's fine for the couple to then offer suggestions

It is pretty vulgar to mention gifts on invitations IMO, ditto for those dreadful postboxes

^^ This

Since no "solution" will ever suit everyone, surely the only thing left to do is what feels right to them , within what they can afford

If a B&G turn out to be ungrateful and fail to send thank yous - or even worse, criticize what they're given - at least this way the donor won't have broken the bank in the process

It is pretty vulgar to mention gifts on invitations IMO, ditto for those dreadful postboxes.

They do all almost always mention it on the invite, its like a reminder that its costing them money. I think the postbox is her fave part of the wedding, I've heard enough about it and they have to drive 50 miles the day after the wedding to return it...