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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I entitled to feel upset?

87 replies

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 19:54

For the past twelve years I have commuted to work, about an hour each way, with a man my age. We were both happily married at the start, although I have since been widowed, and have always got on ridiculously well. We have very similar tastes and sense of humour and he has made endurable a difficult commute. However there is absolutely no sexual attraction between us, we are just friends.

We tried to involve our spouses at the start, dinner parties etc but they didn't gel and so we dropped it. He has just relocated for work so we no longer see each other but he has e-mailed me on a daily basis from his work address, just light hearted jokey mails. Today I got a Christmas card from his family, written by his wife, saying never to contact them again. Obviously I will do as she asks, I would never do anything underhand that could damage a marriage, but I feel bereft. AIBU

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 13/12/2014 19:56

That's odd! How did she phrase it?

I don't blame you for being upset.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/12/2014 19:56

no of course not

maybe his feelings were more intense that you felt they were, maybe not but you have been told a friendship has ended of course that is upsetting

Anydrinkwilldo · 13/12/2014 19:58

Sounds a bit strange, unless he had feelings for you stronger than your feelings. Even so it's her husband who should be talking to you about it not her. I wonder does the husband know or is she just being complete psycho

OneInAMillionYou · 13/12/2014 19:59

I think you are entitled to feel upset. That is terribly rude of her. I would email him, letting him know you have received the card.
It is a very silly thing for her to be so jealous when you have given her no cause. The least he could do would be to give you, as his friend, an explanation.
So sorry this has happened to you.

Secretblackandmidnighthag · 13/12/2014 19:59

You actually don't have to do what she says you know - you're not the OW! I don't mean cause trouble but you wouldn't be out of order to ask him what's going on, maybe he doesn't even know she sent that!

RabbitSaysWoof · 13/12/2014 19:59

Thats gutting. You are definitely entitled to feel upset. Agree with slipper maybe he's let your friendship intrude on he's marriage.

DevonFolk · 13/12/2014 19:59

What a shame :(
I'd say something is probably going a bit wrong in their marriage and she's looking for someone to blame. Presumably she knows you're now widowed (which I'm very sorry to hear) and maybe she sees you as more of a threat now?

wanttosqueezeyou · 13/12/2014 20:00

I would speak to him about it.

She doesn't get to dictate his (or your friendships). He's not a child. You've done nothing wrong. She's his wife not his owner.

If I found my husband had done this to one of my old friends (he wouldn't) I'd go through the fucking roof.

magpieginglebells · 13/12/2014 20:00

YANBU to feel sad. I wonder if he had stronger feelings for you then you had for him? Utterly shit situation.

Original poster
Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 20:01

She wrote " Dear X whilst you and DH commuted together clearly you had to speak but now it is unnecessary to communicate with any of us further. Happy Christmas

OP posts:
RachelWatts · 13/12/2014 20:01

Maybe she didn't have a problem with you and her husband being friends while your husband was alive, but now she feels threatened by you being 'single'.

wowfudge · 13/12/2014 20:02

She clearly sees you as a threat. Maybe your friendship was something she doesn't have in her relationship with her husband and she envies what the two of you have. What a shame that her insecurities have led her to do this. Or perhaps her husband has said something to her which changes the dynamic.

Heyho111 · 13/12/2014 20:02

She probably feels uncomfortable about your friendship. But it's odd that she feels that way now after so long. Perhaps she couldn't stop it whilst you had to travel together but can now.
I can understand that you are feeling upset. It's sad and I'm sure he feels the same as you.

SamiBE · 13/12/2014 20:03

What a jealous cow! I wonder if her DH knows?

Secretblackandmidnighthag · 13/12/2014 20:03

Bloody hell - in a christmas card? she sounds a wee bit nutso...

magpieginglebells · 13/12/2014 20:04

I would contact him and ask if you've upset him in any way.

Nicknacky · 13/12/2014 20:07

I would say the issue is definitely more hers, not yours! I wonder if he knows she has done that?

No one NEEDS to communicate with a friend, they do it because they want to. I have plenty of male friends as I work predominantly with men, and I would be gutted if I got this message.

Original poster
Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 20:07

The thing is I know he didn't have any connection with me apart from having very similar thought processes, stupid puns, love of Ealing comedies, random people watching and a love of 'Whale Wars'! He adores his wife, if anything she seemed to care less for him. She had never worked and was quite dismissive of my career but my DH died 4 years ago and she came to the funeral with him.
But I don't want to cause trouble and feel very sad that a special friendship has been tarnished, although I was already very sad he had moved.

OP posts:
wanttosqueezeyou · 13/12/2014 20:09

He doesn't know. Ring him. Don't write, she's probably intercepting his mail.

Tell him you've had the note and want to clear the air as there must have been a misunderstanding.

OttiliaVonBCup · 13/12/2014 20:10

She wrote this in the Christmas card?
Bizarre.

Secretblackandmidnighthag · 13/12/2014 20:12

Feellike he may very well know nothing about this though. I think you're entitled to ask him about it, it's so incredibly weird and rude!

(I love Whale Wars too Smile)

Justyouwaitandsee · 13/12/2014 20:13

I had a similar thing. An ex and I made friends with another couple (through another pair of mutual friends). We went out regularly as a large group - meals, nights out, staying over at each other's houses. Me and the husband worked close together, and we started meeting up for lunch or every now and again we might gatecrash each other's work drinks. There was nothing in it, in fact he was quite a bit older than me, so like a big brother almost. But his wife hated it, and forbid him from seeing me. We met a couple of times for coffee, but I discovered he was having to lie to her, so I put a stop to that. Was so sad to lose two good friends when there was nothing more to it than that.

GingerbreadPudding · 13/12/2014 20:14

Is it possible he was in love / infatuated with you and has told her this? I would drop contact with him
Myself as I think it sounds like s horrible situation. Very weird to put it in s Christmas card.

minibmw2010 · 13/12/2014 20:15

Does he know she has written this? Why did he change jobs? Have you heard from him recently - if so, how was he?

Original poster
Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 20:15

The trouble is that it completely changes the dynamic if we communicate in secret etc. it was a completely innocent friendship and simple in the fact we simply enjoyed each other's conversation. I could never forgive myself if I was the cause of any unhappiness for him.

OP posts: