Am I entitled to feel upset?

[Feellikescrooge]

For the past twelve years I have commuted to work, about an hour each way, with a man my age. We were both happily married at the start, although I have since been widowed, and have always got on ridiculously well. We have very similar tastes and sense of humour and he has made endurable a difficult commute. However there is absolutely no sexual attraction between us, we are just friends.

We tried to involve our spouses at the start, dinner parties etc but they didn't gel and so we dropped it. He has just relocated for work so we no longer see each other but he has e-mailed me on a daily basis from his work address, just light hearted jokey mails. Today I got a Christmas card from his family, written by his wife, saying never to contact them again. Obviously I will do as she asks, I would never do anything underhand that could damage a marriage, but I feel bereft. AIBU

Thank you

so, imagine you had a female friend and your dh decided he didn't like her, so he decided to email her and tell her not to talk to you again. What would you do? Now imagine the same friend is male, the friendship is the same, and your dh reacted the same. Would you think that more acceptable then because he was male? No thought not.

I am although not surprised that people are blaming the male friend here for having done something wrong when actually the frienship has been innocent from the start. Just because a man and a woman talk to one another does not make it an emotional affair, no really, it doesn't. Men and women are allowed to be friends without having the finger of suspicion pointed at them constantly, and it is never ok for anyone to warn someone off just because they don't like it.

If a woman was posting here that her husband was dictating her friendships he would be branded abusive and controlling and rightly so. The fact that a woman has warned someone off doesn't make her less controlling or abusive just because she is a woman.

If she has issue with who her husband is friends with then her issue is with him, and she was out of order for saying anything to the op. But as it is she sounds like a controlling bitch who the friend would be well rid of.

You have to tell him what she's said. If you just cut contact after the type of interaction you've enjoyed for over a decade, he'll be wondering for ages what on earth he's done to offend you and he'll be very, very hurt if you don't offer any explanation. Please, tell him.

I agree with those saying to tell him what she's said and cut contact. It's really sad but he deserves to know why and if he has had anything to do with it you deserve to know.

My dp started getting the train 8 years ago and built friendships with a few people both male and female and they would talk and socialise outside of the commute. 4 years ago I started getting the same train and became friends with these and other people. since then we've both started commuting a different way but keep in contact with the people we met but different people as we got on better with different people in the group iyswim? I wouldn't do this to him and he wouldn't do this to me.

Another voice here who thinks you need to tell him. It may well be that she has done this before or will do it again. He deserves to know if his wife is sabotaging/controlling his friendships/work relationships - if the next person she does this to is a current colleague, it could well have repercussions in the workplace, as well, of course, as the upset she is causing to him with the loss of firnedships.

YANBU to be upset and it's a really strange and hurtful thing to put this in a Christmas card. It could have gone on a plain bit of paper and been less nasty.

Obviously she feels threatened and it's right for you to disengage and let them work on whatever relationship issues prompted this. this woman sees the friendship as an emotional affair - the fact that you and this man don't isn't relevant at the moment.

Reply to Friday's email with an image of the inside of the card and a simple message expressing good will but an intention to respect his wife's wishes and wishing him luck and best wishes for the future.

'Would people on this thread really be accepting'

Urrm yeah. DP has a friendship with a female that goes back around 20 years. He pops round to hers once a week for a long visit and pops in for a coffee often. She's his friend. I trust him, if I didn't then I'd leave him.

I also have a friendship with a male, my friendship goes back 8 years, we don't see each other often as we are busy but we text pretty much every day. DP really gets on with him and trusts me.

The husband deserves to know, because if DP tried to ruin my friendships behind my back I would leave him. And I would never try to ruin his friendships either, it's a nasty thing to do, just because you're in a relationship with someone it does not mean that you own them.

Imagine a reverse of this.

"My husband has a female friend who he met on his daily commute. He talks about her a lot and they connect on all sorts of things - films, sense of humour - that I am just not into. She doesn't particularly like me, but I am not sure why and I have never made a friendship with her myself. DH moved jobs recently, so no longer sees this friend on his commute. I have just found - by accident- wasn't snooping - a long email exchange where he has been in touch with her daily for the last few weeks. To be honest I feel shocked and hurt and scared. Why would he conceal this from me? I am afraid I did a silly thing and put a note in the Christmas card DH wrote for her asking her to keep her distance"

(could insert here: DH has grown from distant from me lately/DH has form for flirtations/DH has been unfaithful to me in the past/insert other bad thing)

I would bet any money that whilst OP's relationship with her friend has been entirely sincere and platonic (on her part and maybe on his too) that there are other big problems in their marriage that the OP of not aware of.

I am very sympathetic of that fact that the wife must be feeling incredibly insecure and potentially he has kept the friendship a secret so added to that.
But if she'd posted on here and said that she was making to tell the 'OW' to back off on a Christmas card, the would be given a unanimous "DON'T".

Had a ring from him today to tell me how furious he was with DW who told him what she had done during an argument. He says, and I have no reason to disbelieve him, yhat she is struggling with the move and is depressed. Whenever they moved before the children had helped her make friends through other mums. Since they are both adults now she is very isolated and lonely, not working doesn't help but since she has not worked for 25 years getting a job will be difficult.

I feel really sorry for her and told him he needed to be there for her and he wasn't to contact me again until she is ok with it. He said until they moved she was perfectly happy that we chatted even referring to the group of us who commuted together as 'the crazy whale gang'.

Although I still feel a little sad that it is over I am not upset or angry anymore and hope she manages to find friends there. It must be very difficult to have to sacrifice your ambition for your husbands career which is what she has had to do. When their children were younger they moved 7 times in 12 years. Thank you for the support it has been much appreciated.

So because she can't/won't make friends in a new place - she is punishing her husband for daring to have some of his own?

Controlling, or what?

I'm sorry she's having a tough time.

But what she did was totally out of line. No point in making him miserable too. I'm glad its all out in the open.