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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I entitled to feel upset?

87 replies

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 19:54

For the past twelve years I have commuted to work, about an hour each way, with a man my age. We were both happily married at the start, although I have since been widowed, and have always got on ridiculously well. We have very similar tastes and sense of humour and he has made endurable a difficult commute. However there is absolutely no sexual attraction between us, we are just friends.

We tried to involve our spouses at the start, dinner parties etc but they didn't gel and so we dropped it. He has just relocated for work so we no longer see each other but he has e-mailed me on a daily basis from his work address, just light hearted jokey mails. Today I got a Christmas card from his family, written by his wife, saying never to contact them again. Obviously I will do as she asks, I would never do anything underhand that could damage a marriage, but I feel bereft. AIBU

OP posts:

TheChandler · 13/12/2014 21:45

You suspect the his big promotion at work has triggered this because you suspect his wife is with him because of the financial security, don't you OP?

Anyway, anyone sending a Christmas card to someone recently widowed (and 4 years is recent) with that written in it is vile. Even if the once per day emailing is too much for them (it wouldn't bother a secure, more laid back person).

I'd also guess that he has been "banned" from contacting you before, and his wife has only just discovered he has been emailing you.

People do behave like this. When my mother was widowed, she said all sorts of former female friends of her and my father as a couple treated her appallingly, just when she needed friendship most.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 13/12/2014 21:46

It seems to me like they've been having trouble in their marriage and she's desperately trying to ensure he doesn't/hasn't looked elsewhere. As she came to your DH's funeral, I'd say she's way out of line to communicate her displeasure to you via passive aggressive Christmas card. If it's not a particularly close friendship, I'd personally call your friend, say 'I really hope I've not offended X in any way. Hope all is well at home.' Then I'd back off. Because even if there's no romantic connection, if he then keeps in contact with you on the sly, he's effectively chosen you over his wife. And that does make you the other woman.

Original poster

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 21:51

Yes I have accepted the relationship is over. But where do I find another 'Whale Wars' aficionado ? Seriously though I just feel sad that it is over, after all we spent 10 hours a week chatting and we didn't feel the urge to do anything for 12 years! Seems daft it is now she tries to stop the friendship. But I am not going to damage a family.

OP posts:

TheRealMaryMillington · 13/12/2014 21:57

That must be very upsetting and hurtful.

But the way that he has presented your friendship to his wife might be completely different to your experience of it. 10 hours a week of commuting is not the same as being part of each other's lives. I would doubt he is blameless in this.

ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose · 13/12/2014 21:57

You are a wonderful friend with a great deal of integrity.

I agree that you need to tell him what she wrote and the decision you have come to. He has a right to know. However, from the fact that his communications are now only coming through work, it sounds like this is a conversation he has already had with her.

Such a sad thread, really.

eddielizzard · 13/12/2014 22:03

i would probably email him and say that you've had this christmas card from his wife asking you not to contact him. so you won't and you hope he is ok. wish him well for the future.

very sad. not surprised you're bereft.

Stripeyclock · 13/12/2014 22:05

I question the role of the husband in all of this. I think you OP have been very upfront and honest in your conduct but I'm not sure about him.

What makes me question it is two things.

Firstly that he sends emails to you from his work email instead of a personal email account. It's easier to hide work emails from a spouse that way after all and it makes me wonder why he uses it.

Secondly I think sending you emails every day is pretty intense for what is just a 'fun' friendship.

Remember that his wife is with him every day and is privy to comments and behaviours that you will not witness. Perhaps she senses that his feelings for you do run deeper then you are aware.

It could also be that she thinks your friendship is completely platonic on both sides, but that he is far too focused on his friendships to the detriment of his marriage. I was in a relationship once with a man who valued his friends far more then he did me and he always put them first. It was intolerable and really drove a wedge between us.

It's tricky but I do feel you are potentially playing with fire here. If you contact him and let him know what his wife has written you force the issue out into the open, he will have to confront it.

It might be his wife is imagining it all, he tells her to back off and calm down and all is well between you.

Or it could be that he does have deeper feelings for you and he confesses them to you. How would you feel and what would you do if that happened.

At the same time I do think his wife has handled this extremely badly. I don't know that I could leave things the way they are and I think that if I was in your shoes I would have to contact him and let him know what had happened.

I wish you all the best OP, this must be an awful situation to be in.

Hakluyt · 13/12/2014 22:06

I'm just imagining the wife's Mumsnet thread- "My Dp has had a woman friend for years. They used to commute together but since we've moved they still communicate all the time. He emails her every day. He says it's perfectly innocent and they are just friends, but she's single now and I'm just not sure......."

Original poster

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 22:07

That is the problem, he was only ever somebody who made commuting entertaining and I know that was all I was to him! Not minimising that, he is a special person to me, but it was never a deep and meaningful relationship. To be honest I feel insulted, my DH was the love of my life and this all implies there was something dodgy about it all.

But I do agree it is so sad on so many levels.

OP posts:

notagainffffffffs · 13/12/2014 22:08

How sad :( you never know what the future holds though op. If their marriage doesnt last maybe your friendship will pick up again.
Really you have to feel sorry for her, it must be awful to be her, all twisted up and paranoid

fivepounds · 13/12/2014 22:09

Blimey. Why are people casting aspersions about this woman's mental health? She is sick of the friendship; sick of the intimacy which she, perhaps, doesn't share with her husband and quite possibly has realised he is somewhat in too deep.

notagainffffffffs · 13/12/2014 22:10

Im sorry about your dh too. What would he tell you to do?

Original poster

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 22:15

Five, I fail to see how random conversations about Whale Wars and why naval battles so often happen on Thursdays is intimacy!?!? If you read the thread I have not cast aspersions on his wife's mental health. I would not do that. I am just sad that a lovely friendship has to end this way.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 13/12/2014 22:16

It's hard to comment when it's unclear just how close your friendship was and how much you relied on each other and saw each other apart from the commute. She obviously sees you as a threat and didn't like the daily contact. But I can see why you're hurt.

mineofuselessinformation · 13/12/2014 22:16

What has happened is a real shame.
She sounds very insecure.
As sad as it is, I think the only thing you can do is to take a step back.
I'm sorry you've lost a good friend.

wanttosqueezeyou · 13/12/2014 22:19

Would the women on this thread really be accepting if their dh did this to their platonic friend of ten years!?

ClumsyCrocheter · 13/12/2014 22:23

I understand why you feel insulted. It's like she's just skipping over the wonderful marriage you and dh had, and is turning a good friendship into something that looks wrong and dodgy, when it's not.

You say you don't want to be the one who makes their marriage unhappy, and I do understand what you're saying. However, if she's like this just because you're an "available" woman...she is like this about other female friends he has. So I don't think it's anything personal to you, but her huge insecurities.

I think she has been incredibly rude and insensitive, and clearly her dh knows nothing of this. I think you need to speak to him and let him know, otherwise he will be left wondering why you no longer want to be friends with him...as in he will think you have a problem with him.

fivepounds · 13/12/2014 22:24

OP, of course you were intimate, you were inside each other's brains (and under, I suspect, each other's skin). The longevity and depth of your friendship (especially now you are single) is too much for her and I would do exactly the same in her shoes. She is protecting her marriage.

TheRealMaryMillington · 13/12/2014 22:30

Would the women on this thread really be accepting if their dh did this to their platonic friend of ten years!?

The wife suspects this is not platonic. Maybe she has reason. His relationship with the OP may well be entirely appropriate (though daily emails, from the office….seems a bit much), but who knows how else he conducts the rest of his life or relationships?

Original poster

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 22:34

Yes but if I tell him I will be creating problems, either it will create conflict or secrecy, neither are part of a happy marriage. It just seems daft that it has got to here.

My DH would have found this inexplicable, he liked my friend, found our humour strange at times, just found his wife impossible.

It is difficult to say this without people misinterpreting it but we just got each other, same tastes, same cultural references, same mindset. So sad but I have just to accept it is over.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/12/2014 22:44

Email him and explain, whilst being (as you are) fully prepared for that to be the end of the friendship,

Otherwise he might be left feeling hurt and 'dropped' by you. He doesn't deserve that.

DorisIsABitPartialToSprouts · 13/12/2014 22:45

I suspect she has never been comfortable with your friendship and that is why it didn't work as a foursome. Now she has an excuse for a line to be drawn under it. In her eyes it would be unreasonable to stop you talking when you were on the same train but now there is no need for you to be in contact. It is no reflection on you, it is her insecurity. Should you tell your friend? I'm not sure. If you don't he will wonder why but if you do it may cause friction between them.

zeezeek · 13/12/2014 22:46

A marriage in which one person gets to dictate who the other person is friends with, isn't a happy marriage anyway.

I don't see a problem with e-mailing friends from a work account - I do it frequently, mostly because I have my work account open more than I do my personal one.

I also have male friends who I e-mail several times each day.

It is a serious over-reaction by an insecure person and I don't see why you should think it's your fault, or miss out on a friendship yourself.

CrispyFern · 13/12/2014 22:54

Perhaps there are other problems in their relationship and she is reassessing all of his female friendships.

I would perhaps send him a message to say goodbye. It would be sad not to, after twelve years.

valrhona · 13/12/2014 23:03

I have a friendship with a colleague just as you describe. We are close, and share a sense of humour/cheer each other up. He adores his wife also, and would never cheat on her in a million years. His wife and my dh acknowledge our friendship as something a little unusual (as do we) but we'd both be bereft if either of our spouses asked us to call time on it. (But we would do so, of course). I can understand how you feel and would be so upset to get the card you received.

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