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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I entitled to feel upset?

87 replies

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 19:54

For the past twelve years I have commuted to work, about an hour each way, with a man my age. We were both happily married at the start, although I have since been widowed, and have always got on ridiculously well. We have very similar tastes and sense of humour and he has made endurable a difficult commute. However there is absolutely no sexual attraction between us, we are just friends.

We tried to involve our spouses at the start, dinner parties etc but they didn't gel and so we dropped it. He has just relocated for work so we no longer see each other but he has e-mailed me on a daily basis from his work address, just light hearted jokey mails. Today I got a Christmas card from his family, written by his wife, saying never to contact them again. Obviously I will do as she asks, I would never do anything underhand that could damage a marriage, but I feel bereft. AIBU

OP posts:

sonjadog · 13/12/2014 20:16

I would contact him and tell him what she wrote.

KnackeredMerrily · 13/12/2014 20:16

I would send him apicture of the inside of the card so she can't wriggle out of what she said.
but yanbu to be upset and yanbu to never talk to him again.

But you should let him know what a bitch she is before you go.

Gruntfuttock · 13/12/2014 20:17

That's such a shame, but reading your posts I could just imagine his wife posting on MN about her husband emailing another woman daily and being told that it's suspicious/it's an emotional affair/she needs to put a stop to it etc.

Don't get me wrong, I know you and he were no more than friends and I think it's such a shame that she's written this, but those were my thoughts. I would feel bereft too. There's no good reason for your communications to stop apart from her insecurity.

Secretblackandmidnighthag · 13/12/2014 20:19

One message to hear what's going on from the horse's mouth isn't out of order though.

Thymeout · 13/12/2014 20:19

Wait and see if he contacts you. That will show if he knows she has written or not.

If he doesn't seem to be aware, then reply and explain. It's up to him what he does from there on. And up to you how you react to that.

I think she sounds very unpleasant. I don't like the idea that you could only speak to him because you were on the same train, when there had been joint social occasions and they had both come to your husband's funeral.

i agree with pp that she is jealous of your friendship and perhaps it compares unfavourably with her relationship with him. Which is her problem, not yours.

You have nothing to reproach yourself with and I'm very sorry that you may have lost a friendship that was important to you.

bubalou · 13/12/2014 20:20

I agree with what people say about her feeling threatened.

It's such a shame and I feel really sorry for you as it's clearly innocent. My DH has female friends and I couldn't give a hoot.

I agree - speak to him. Not to cause trouble but even to 'say goodbye' and clear the air. I'm sure he will be surprised / apologetic that she has written this.

CatsClaus · 13/12/2014 20:20

oh my....lol at Happy Christmas!

send him the card back to his office with a big ? on a bit of paper!

wanttosqueezeyou · 13/12/2014 20:21

I wouldn't suggest that you kept in touch in secret.

But he has the right to decide who his friendships are with. He doesn't know about the note, he should.

If a woman came on here saying her DH was dictating her friendships behind her back, he would be called abusive and controlling (quite rightly).

WannaBe · 13/12/2014 20:22

She sounds like a control freak. If a man did that people would be saying the woman was in an abusive relationship... Speak to him, ask if he's ok, but he would do well to ltb.

Gruntfuttock · 13/12/2014 20:23

Gingerbread "Is it possible he was in love / infatuated with you and has told her this? I would drop contact with him"

I doubt that very much. As I said, just imagine the reaction here if a woman posted about her husband daily emailing a women he used to commute with. He'd immediately be under suspicion, but unfairly IMO. Sometimes it's just a connection between two people with no physical attraction involved at all.

wanttosqueezeyou · 13/12/2014 20:23

I think that's a great idea Cats

Original poster

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 20:37

Yes he emailed me on Friday but I did not have time to reply so I might do so Monday. But the penny has only just dropped, he hasn't text or rung me, we used to, but has emailed me from his work email to mine regularly.

My DH and I met at university, we were together 30 years and were complete opposites, I still adore him. I feel sad that a friendship, which I accept has run its term, is over.

He was given a big promotion which will mean a huge difference to his retirement pot btw.

Thank you all for the support it is a help to feel IANBU.

OP posts:

wanttosqueezeyou · 13/12/2014 20:42

Could his big promotion be the reason he's not had time to be in touch as much as usual?

Don't second guess all this... Just have an honest, adult conversation.

If his wife is doing this secretly, he should know. I'd want to.

Am I getting over invested?! I just hate to think of two people sad they don't see each other anymore, all because of a malicious Christmas card!

Original poster

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 21:10

The thing is he has been in touch loads, I just didn't clock the fact it was all through work email. He was one of those people who simply add fun to your life, we just got each others jokes! Strangely on Friday I was a bit fgs I don't have time to reply. I know absolutely he was not in love with me, we just had similar brains. I find it mad that we cannot just exchange random emails, texts etc but I will not be the person who upsets a marriage.

OP posts:

Gruntfuttock · 13/12/2014 21:13

It's so awful. You and he did nothing wrong yet have been 'banned' from future contact. What are you going to do, OP? Just comply with the 'cease contact' order, or..?

sonjadog · 13/12/2014 21:17

I would talk to him first before you make any decisions, but I would probably decide to end the friendship if I were in your position too. I would make sure he knows what his wife has done though before backing off. He should show about this.

sonjadog · 13/12/2014 21:17

Know not show

longtallsally2 · 13/12/2014 21:25

I'm with Gruntfuttock on this. I believe you that there was no emotional attachment on your side, other than friendship, but I can easily imagine the wife posting here and getting a lot of support. We don't know that she is malicious, or a cow! All we know is that this friendship is clearly a threat to her. If his marriage is in trouble, then she will be looking for reasons. Texts and emails to you, sharing jokes and fun, which could have been sent to her may be perceived as detracting from their relationship.

It may, of course, be that he has developed feelings for you.

You sound lovely, however, and sensitive to their needs. An email to him, letting him know - kindly - that his wife has sent a note and is clearly unhappy with your friendship, and that you wouldn't want to cause any unhappiness, so will keep your distance, will leave him in no doubt that you are not ditching his friendship, but instead you are being a good friend.

Best of luck

Thereshegoes · 13/12/2014 21:25

I write my cards with a glass of wine in hand, I wonder if she did the same?
She's jealous, I probably would be too I think.
I'd contact him, just to understand.

Secretblackandmidnighthag · 13/12/2014 21:26

Well if you only got the card today and he was emailing as normal yesterday, then seems like he knows nothing about this card - I think you should tell him, I'd want to know if I was him

Original poster

Feellikescrooge · 13/12/2014 21:28

Thank you that is what I feel too. Since I feel no romantic attachment to him I believe I should back off. It is just sad it has to happen.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 13/12/2014 21:29

I would contact him too. Just do it. Be honest and say how sad you are about his wife's message but that you definitely don't want to be the cause of any marriage woes.

wanttosqueezeyou · 13/12/2014 21:38

scrooge do you think he has the right to know about the card from his wife?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 13/12/2014 21:40

Sounds like he was keeping it a secret from his DW and now she has found out and she considers it an emotional affair. It is strange if he did keep it secret unless she has been jealous for a long time or he has given some indication that he wishes you were more than a friend.
Either way, she is wing to have contacted you and if she wishes the two of you to break contact, she should make that request directly to him.

You sound lovely. I would let him know that you have received the card, you are sad that this means the friendship has to end but wouldn't ever want to upset his wife or cause a problem in his marriage so will respect her request. Then wish him all the best. I think that's all you can do.
A Christmas card though! That is a bit strange.

WeeFreeKings · 13/12/2014 21:45

I'd reply and say his wife has been in touch and asked you not to contact him so out of respect for her this will be your last email. Wish him all the best and then sign off forever. That's what I'd do because no good would come of continuing the friendship against her wishes. Whatever they may be motivated by.

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