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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pay DM to look after DSs?

109 replies

Sylviesleep · 07/12/2014 08:39

My DM looks after DSs before and after school 3 days a week. DS 1 8-8:30 then 4-5 and DS 2 8-8:30 then 12-5.
I pay her £250 a month for doing this but we are really struggling to pay her this. DH has never liked the fact that DM asks for money to look after them.
Aibu to pay DM?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sylviesleep · 07/12/2014 08:41

Just to add - it would cost the same to send them to breakfast/ after school club.

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 07/12/2014 08:42

Seems a little steep. Did she ask for that amount or did you offer? can you pay the going cm rate?

ApocalypseThen · 07/12/2014 08:46

I think it's good that she expects to be paid - it's a massive responsibility and restriction for her. But you're only paying for her time. I'm sure the kids get the kind of loving care that you couldn't pay for as well.

If it's too much for you to manage financially, perhaps you can negotiate?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 07/12/2014 08:46

Its what you would pay a qualified CM with other mindees and health and safety certs, insurance and an expectation they in some way educate the mindees. Are you getting all that from your Mum?

My own mum is a CM, and we direct debit £200pcm for ger to.mind dd term time only, usually 25/30 hrs a week. Currently I am on Mat Leave, but we are still paying to keep the place and DD goes two full days (term time only). The difference is I insisted on paying and we agreed an amount. Dd gets all meals and snacks, Mum follows tge EYFS and dd goes to a toddler group each day. I am getting marvellous value for money!

Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 08:48

Did she ask for that amount or is that what you offered?

Original poster
Sylviesleep · 07/12/2014 08:51

It's the price I offered but some years ago when DS 1 was in nursery and DS2 was a baby so she had them for more hours.
She has never suggested to accept less and I have never known how to ask - i fear that it will end badly

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheep · 07/12/2014 08:53

I think YABU - I always paid my mum for minding my 3 - and she got sick pay and holiday pay

She was saving me a shed load of money in nursery fees - she was providing really good care and she was a pensioner - I would have felt awful not doing so.

Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 08:53

Then you know what you need to do...."dm now that you have the dc for x amount of hours less can we look at your wages to reflect it"

ApocalypseThen · 07/12/2014 08:55

Why does your husband think you shouldn't pay your mum, out of sheer nosiness?

Rebecca2014 · 07/12/2014 08:56

Surely she should be doing it for free or at an discounted rate??

I would rather send my kids to an after school club then pay my mother child minder rates. What a joke.

Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 08:56

Does he think she shouldn't be paid at all?

Galvanized · 07/12/2014 08:57

Yabu - it's illegal.

Original poster
Sylviesleep · 07/12/2014 08:59

DH thinks £250 is too much.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 07/12/2014 09:00

How much would he consider appropriate?

Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 09:01

What do you think?? what would alternative care cost?

Original poster
Sylviesleep · 07/12/2014 09:02

He thinks we should cover her expenses.

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 09:03

I paid my DM the same amount to take care of my DC's. She gave up her part time job so that I could return to work. It was cheaper than a CM or nursery and I was happier knowing they were being cared for my a family member in their own home.

If you are struggling financially then you have no option but to speak to her about it. As you say the hours are reduced now so I don't think YABU to want to reduce the amount.

iliketea · 07/12/2014 09:03

By my calculation, you are getting 22ish hours of childcare per week for £250 per month. Is that right? Because if so, you are getting childcare very cheaply. You say you are struggling to pay it, but if you were paying a childminder, I reckon you'd be paying far more than that. So be prepared if you talk to your mum and don't want to pay her, you may end up having to find alternative child care for more money. And your DH think she shouldn't get paid? Have his parents offered to do the childcare for free? Or is it only your mother who should be providing this service?

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 09:04

by not my.

ApocalypseThen · 07/12/2014 09:04

Really? She should be tied to your children's hours every day for free? I think if you offer her that deal she'd be a fool to accept it.

cupofsneeze · 07/12/2014 09:04

Work out what it would cost if you paid for a registered childcare provider.

Is your Mum dropping off and picking the children up from different settings throughout the day, ie, school and nursery runs?

Thats a giant faff in itself if she is.

Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 09:05

Expenses only? Confused

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2014 09:05

Sounds fine, but if your DH is unhappy send them to breakfast club or after school club.

Didiusfalco · 07/12/2014 09:06

If she is having the little one 12-5 its not just after school is it? breakfast club for one is costing me £100 so I doubt you could cover those hours for the amount you are paying her. What is her financial situation - does she need the money?

Ragwort · 07/12/2014 09:06

Does she have them in the school holidays as well? If your children went to after school club where would they go in the holidays?

It is a huge commitment and I think it is right that you pay her - I have a number of friends who are grandparents and many of them feel somewhat over whelmed by the child caring responsibilities that are expected. But rather than 'rock the boat' they put on a brave face and just get on with it.

I just don't get the idea that GPs should provide regular child minding services without some honest discussion. Occasional babysitting is different but I hope I am never in the position where I am 'expected' to be a child minder. Hmm

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