AIBU to say no to handing over money.

[RyVeeta]

Complicated, please bear with me.
Dh gets DLA. It goes into the joint account, the only account we have. He is saving for an expensive piece of equipment and it's taking him a long time.
He finds it frustrating. He thinks I should hand over all his DLA each month. I think that's unreasonable as it is supposed to cover the extra costs of being disabled. The car used to take him anywhere, petrol insurance etc. The fact that the heating has to be on 24/7. The lighting is on longer than a normal family house as he frequently stays up all night (hence not being able to lower or turn heating off at night). He needs clothes more than other people and won't wear cheap clothes, eg. boxers £15.00 for two. I give him £120 per month 'pocket money'. He buys little from this, the odd vinyl for his collection, the rest he is saving. His comics, magazines, books, and all other equipment comes out of the family money.
I think it should stay in the joint account to be used as needed. Any thoughts?

Is the expensive piece of equipment to help with his disability?

What's the equipment he needs and will it improve his quality of life, day to day capabilities and the family as a wholes smooth running?

How much 'spending money' do you have in a month?

I disagree. He isnt your child to be giving him pocket money. DLA is his money and if youre looking for money to care for him get carers allowance.

If the equipment helps the disability you can apply foR a grant
Ring turn2us

Presumably you're the main breadwinner, or are you on benefits too? Does he earn anything at all? If so, does that go into the joint account? If not, does he think you should be paying all the bills and he contributes nothing?

I'm a SAHM and 'my' child benefit goes into the same account that my DH's salary goes into and all bills come out of. It would be like me insisting on keeping the child benefit for myself. Quite rightly, DH would be a bit about that too.

I would say YABU if the equipment he wants is related to his disability and would improve his quality of life, the award of DLA is technically in his name and his money, not yours to dole out as you see fit.

Without further details it's hard to say, if all money is shared usually and usual circumstances apply I would think both parties should agree on joint purchases, but Dla is different.

We live on an inheritance left to me.
christina is there a reason why you think he should contribute nothing to the household?
The equipment is a better classical guitar. It will apparently cost about four thousand pounds. It's unlikely ever to leave the house. He has eleven guitars.

I look after the money because we agreed some twenty years ago that due to the nature of his disability and his addictions and obsessions, that I would look after the money.
If he has his own DLA he will not hand anything over for his clothes, books, magazines etc. I paid the mortgage off with my inheritance and I have made sure that there was enough money to pay for the other eleven guitars, the fifty to a hundred pounds on books per month, the guitar strings etc.

No no no - the dla is to pay for the costs of his disability like the lights and heating on as he cant sleep, etc not his guitar collection

Ah i see makes sense now. You just need to explain this to him and remind him of the agreement.
He is being childish he can live without a guitar And having 11 i can see what you mean about his addiction to things.
You are correct with what you're doing.

How come you have got stuck not just supporting this man but indulging all his whims while he contributes fuck all? And what exactly is this 'disability' that means he happens to need better food and expensive toys while not having to work?
Atos would make chopped liver of him and probably will.

You know when your inheritance runs out he will make a miraculous recovery and fuck off, don't you?

He won't go anywhere, twenty years and three children. I've worked before and we've been on benefits and he's still here.

A guitar?!?! For £4k?!?!

I thought the equipment was something along the lines of a motorised wheelchair!

Perhaps he could sell some of the other 11 to buy the new one?

No, you know you're not. The rule with guitar buying is that you have to sell a few to play for new ones - or it is in this house anyway! Funny how they seem to breed though.

But if he doesn't have any responsibility for budgeting and no sense of there being a finite source of income, I can see how he could be quite childish about such things. You literally sound like his mother. Possibly for good reasons, but it sounds much more mother-child than adult-adult.

Unless he is a professional musician, there is absolutely no need for him to have a 4 grand guitar.

YANBU. But would it be worth going over the finances with him every month, so that he understands how much it costs to run the heating all night etc? Perhaps if you insist that he take some responsibility for the household finances (even if it's just an overview) he'll be in a better position to understand how realistic (or unrealistic) his desire for a £4000 guitar might be...

I think I'd better just stick to YANBU. You are, in fact, beyond reasonable.

What SGB said.

He doesn't sound like a partner he sounds like an adult sized child...

He sounds very selfish. He can sell some guitars to pay for the new one or save using his 120£.

This makes me bloody seethe.

DLA is to help people to live with their DISABILITIES - not to fund expensive hobbies.

YANBU.
But I think that he needs a fairly stern kick up the arse talking to.

Surely the key thing is how much money you have as a household and making sure you both have equal spending money as you would if he was a sahm or dad- he is presumably unable to work due to his disability so surely all income should be pooled (including the dla) all bills etc should come out of this and whatever is left split equally between you? If he wants a sodding guitar he should pay for it from whatever spending money he has.

(This is the set up dh and I have - he works, I have health problems and am a sahm, I provided most of the equity for our house through inheritance and my previous well paid job, both of us on the mortgage).

If he wants his guitar that badly he can sell some of his others to fund its arrival.

Your a very generous woman as far as I can see OP.

What is his illness if you don't mind me asking? Will he never work?

Why are you in such a dysfunctional relationship? Is it because he has additional needs? You aren't obliged to be his carer and life manager forever more if you don't want to.
And to answer your question - if he can't manage the money then you manage it, end of story.