AIBU to say no to handing over money.

[RyVeeta]

Complicated, please bear with me.
Dh gets DLA. It goes into the joint account, the only account we have. He is saving for an expensive piece of equipment and it's taking him a long time.
He finds it frustrating. He thinks I should hand over all his DLA each month. I think that's unreasonable as it is supposed to cover the extra costs of being disabled. The car used to take him anywhere, petrol insurance etc. The fact that the heating has to be on 24/7. The lighting is on longer than a normal family house as he frequently stays up all night (hence not being able to lower or turn heating off at night). He needs clothes more than other people and won't wear cheap clothes, eg. boxers £15.00 for two. I give him £120 per month 'pocket money'. He buys little from this, the odd vinyl for his collection, the rest he is saving. His comics, magazines, books, and all other equipment comes out of the family money.
I think it should stay in the joint account to be used as needed. Any thoughts?

I really think people should think twice before they post, some of these comments are hateful. There are real people behind these screens and OP is in a difficult situation with a DH with disabilities, in what way does it help her to have strangers question those disabilities and judge him for these disabilities?

I appreciate it is hard to give an opinion without the full financial info but there's really no need for some of the comments on here. In my marriage, I am in OP's DH's position, and the thought that people would judge me and question me like this is so upsetting. Questioning whether he is a fit parent ffs. Turn down the heating. If people "advised" my DH like this I can't imagine how he would feel.

Some of the posts are awful.

A really insightful post, sleeponeday, thank you

sleeponeday. Thank you, yes of course he has sensory issues, other physical issues too, related to the fact that he can't walk and has bladder issues.
Bitter Thank you. It's difficult and it can be wearing. It's part of the reason I posted, stupidly perhaps, looking for support, but thank you, you are one of those who is helping.

comedancing Unfortunately he is unable to drive.

YesIdid Thank you for the very kind and supportive pm.

Benefits are to help those who are vulnerable and struggling, not spunking 1000s on guitars and pants

You're a real fucking help and so unbelievably kind.

Some very odd replies on this thread. Surely the DLA is part of the household budget. It doesn't matter whether some of this household budget is used towards saving towards something for a hobby. All that matters is whether he can afford to do that.

It's a bit like saying child benefit should only ever be used for the children - in theory yes however most families in know including my own just count is as part of the whole family income.

The main issue is that the dh should have the same spending money as the op (not sure if that's the case or not) and if so he should buy anything non essential from this amount. He is asking for more than his usual spending amount which is wrong. He shouldn't be eating into the family money for his hobbies.

So fucked off I forgot to namechange and don't really give a shit.

Dawndonna, hope you're ok.
Ignore those who are determined to target the post because it has the word 'benefit' in it.

Sit down with your DH and a spreadsheet. It'll help him to see the reality of your situations.

You know what's best - you know your DH's limitations so I think a spreadsheet would work.

Would he be up for selling one of his guitars?

Forgot to add, YANBU

YANBU, his disability means your bills and other expenses cost more. It sounds like he wants his DLA for the guitar only and as his needs means he spends more on clothes etc you are not unreasonable to keep some back. I Am expecting that DLA may end up means tested at some stage anyway, so I would live off it while it's there!

I don't understand why your heating needs to be on all day because he is awake at night

Sit down with your DH and a spreadsheet. It'll help him to see the reality of your situations.

You know what's best - you know your DH's limitations so I think a spreadsheet would work.

Bless you, it's a good idea, visual stuff always helps.
I don't know that he'd be up for selling, somewhat obsessive, but if he can see what's going on then he'll be more patient and understand that he can save and it may take him another couple of years. That'll be fine I think, if he sees it. Visual stuff is always good for ASDs.

Because everyone else is up during the day? Doesn't take much to figure out.

My dd 7 has ASD and part of the cindition is is collecting and obsessions sometimes. To teach him about finances and money management, you have to say no! If he wants that guitar, he can get a job of some sort and start saving up, or tell him to sell his other guitars and books to fund it.

Needs I have two dds with a disability too.
Have just said in a pm, both dds get their DLA handed over to them. I didn't want them growing up as unaware as their father. This is where the problem arose, he couldn't get his head around his children (18) getting more than him. We're getting there, I have explained, they go out socially (he doesn't) so buy drinks, food, etc. when out, pay bus and train fares, buy their own clothes, make up, smellies etc. I do think Hex's spreadsheet will help a great deal too.

ASD is a developmental condition, so those with it might Find money management and finances difficult. As op knew this before getting together with him, she has to help him which she is.

Ah, you're not the poster with the sheds.

Has he always had issues with finances? Or this a new thing?

Aero My 18 year old twins also have problems, but they were diagnosed early and I have put coping strategies in place because that is what a good parent does. Hence them managing their own money, as stated above.
Dh got a diagnosis at 33. As for getting a job, he'd love to. He was a philosophy lecturer. He then got ill. He is severely physically disabled and can barely walk. He is in constant pain. He is very definitely unable to work.

Bernice Even when we were both working I handled the money. The asking for more is recent because of working out dts were getting more than him but being unable to see/comprehend why. We're getting there now!

Dawn Mabey op DH parents did not, so he's not as good with money. As you know Autism is on a spectrum, not all people are the same. Dd is only 7, is quite bright and her understanding is much better. If she wants something we don't always say yes to her, and give in to her, we say no it's too expensive. So already she knows tgat you need money to buy things, mummy/daddy haven't always.

He does need to pay for it out of his allowance IMO. It's not a necessity related to disability.

I do,however disagree with posters saying he needs to buy cheap boxers. My DS with ASD will only wear a certain make and style of boxer shorts - it's probably sensory and the it's cause him so much discomfort. He also has related bowel issues and needs boxer monthly. The ones he wears are £12 for 5 pairs. So he gets 10 pairs a month - and his DLA pays for them!

As well as the extra lighting etc because he's also up during night!

Sounds hard on you OP, to be put in that position of treating him like a child.

Must be tough and infuriating!

Anyway, yanbu, stay strong

You have yo be the sensible one with money, and long term he is better off if you manage the money prudently.

By saying DTs get more than him, he really sees himself as a child, no? And needs to be "managed" as such

It really can't be much fun...

YNAB would be really good! It's a budgeting software that allows you to see what you're starting with and then you create budget categories to allocate the money to.

Say you had £100, then allocated £40 to books, £20 to guitar strings, then he wants £50 for his guitar, he'd be able to see that the budget was then -£10. He would see that there really wasn't £50 to allocate to his guitar.