AIBU to say no to handing over money.

[RyVeeta]

Complicated, please bear with me.
Dh gets DLA. It goes into the joint account, the only account we have. He is saving for an expensive piece of equipment and it's taking him a long time.
He finds it frustrating. He thinks I should hand over all his DLA each month. I think that's unreasonable as it is supposed to cover the extra costs of being disabled. The car used to take him anywhere, petrol insurance etc. The fact that the heating has to be on 24/7. The lighting is on longer than a normal family house as he frequently stays up all night (hence not being able to lower or turn heating off at night). He needs clothes more than other people and won't wear cheap clothes, eg. boxers £15.00 for two. I give him £120 per month 'pocket money'. He buys little from this, the odd vinyl for his collection, the rest he is saving. His comics, magazines, books, and all other equipment comes out of the family money.
I think it should stay in the joint account to be used as needed. Any thoughts?

I assume his disability is responsible for his addictions and obsessions? If not then there is no way in hell I would be condoning disability welfare benefit to be funding an expensive guitar collection. That's fucking ridiculous.

He's taking the piss.

You know you're not being unreasonable, leave the arrangement as it is.

Blimey, this story reads like fodder for the Daily Fail.

I wonder what you get out of this relationship? Can you list the things that are good about being with this man?

Having a disability isn't a get out of jail free card for being a selfish arsehole.

Good grief. Why, just why?

Why does he need more clothes than other people and why won't he wear cheap boxers? questions, questions!

It could be that he has ASD and collecting guitars is the only things he spends money on and enjoys, in which case spending his DLA if he's saving it for that purpose would be fine. I'm not sure that's the case though, if he's spending money on other stuff and hassling you for more?

Jeezo Mn is so anti marriage sometimes. Maybe they are totally in love and just happen to be having a disagreement about a guitar/finances!

I am a pretty liberal person and don't believe in means testing disability-related benefits, but this raises even my eyebrows a little

YANBU at all. Don't hand over the money. Point out to him how much faster he will get his 4 grand toy if he starts buying his underpants from Primark.

Are you the poster whose husband has several sheds and a storage locker full of shit he won't get rid of? And your children are therefore living with a hoarder?

I can tell you as an ex wife of someone with OCD, AMongst other things. You are enabling him to continue this pattern of behaviour. No responsibility. Unless there is a medical reason he can't sleep. Let the house go cold at night, at least turn heating down.

I am geussing things have got worse but no if he has 11 guitars one more will not improve the quality of his life.

You also need to find someway for this relationship to be less unbalanced. I also had to control the finances . It is not a nice postion to be in

Yes he does have ASD. Along with a physical disability. He does play guitar beautifully, but he'll never play out, or in a band or anything like that. I don't mind him having a four grand guitar if that's what he wants, but not at the cost of other more important things. My trying to teach him about finances was agreeing a few years ago to him having an allowance. If not it all comes from the family budget and he has no clue. Admittedly, he still has not clue. He always has to have the best of everything, he will always buy a hardback over a paperback (family money), he will become obsessed with a particular author and we went through a phase where we had to collect signed first editions, although that slowed down when I started saying no, your allowance pays for it. We both read a great deal, which is fine, but I don't need a first edition, although I do like it when I get one, but I love it when I find one in a charity shop!
Starlight You are right, I'm responsible for a great deal and being in charge of the finances is one more thing, and it's no bloody fun at all.

Oh the grammar in the above, I should perhaps read a little more!

Jesus.

Maybe you should tell him that if he wants all his DLA, he can take it, then kindly leave. If he considers that his own money to do what he likes with, let him have it and maintain himself on it. And you can happily use your other well-managed funds to provide you and your children with more security without a chunk going on indulging expensive whims.

YANBU at all. Possibly YABU to not sit down with a spreadsheet, point out exactly the cost of maintaining him and cut his 'play money' down drastically - or stop funding any non-essential for him. I certainly don't have £120 a month to spend on myself. The bottom line is that he seems to live well and indulgently, largely off you.

He always has to have the best of everything

No, he really doesn't. He gets the best because you are letting him get the best. If he only had his DLA then he would quite quickly sort out not having the best of everything. Is he one of those diamanté puppies that very rich people keep in their handbags? Pants at £7.50 each? On DLA? Come off it.

Still, if you have a magic porridge pot of cash then no worries.

YANBU to say that the majority of his dla should be spent on the extra costs of living with his disabilities. It is not a guitar fund.
YABU to talk in terms of "giving him pocket money" - he's not a child, you aren't his mum. All your assets are equally his and yours, marriage is a partnership. Of course it's reasonable for you to be in charge of financial decisions if he isn't competent to make sensible decisions (which does sound to be the case) but don't lose respect for him by infantilising him like that.

I dunno OP, you married a man and had three children with him, knowing that he is selfish and wasteful with money. That was your choice. But if you've agreed that you are in charge of money, then that's what you'll have to stick to I suppose.

Actually, my answer to the guitar thing would be - sell a couple of the others, plus some of your first editions and diamond-studded pants, and fund it that way.

What would happen if you said to him: No, no more guitars, no more running up the electricity bill, no more expensive clothes? Will he become violent? Or leave?
Whatever is wrong with him, it's not a free pass to have his every whim indulged for the rests of his life.

Why do people feel the need to be unpleasant. MrsC He is genuinely disabled, both physically and otherwise.
The guitars, to some extent are good for his quality of life, what's he supposed to do, sit and watch Kyle all day? He just doesn't comprehend, like many with AS, how far is too far. How much is too much.
All you are doing by sniping in the manner that you do is showing how little you know about disabilities. If you've nothing helpful to say then don't bother saying anything.
That goes for others being unpleasant too. I asked for advice because I was a bit stressed, I didn't ask for a kicking when I was down. Thanks.

I think that it is impossible for people on here to advise when we have very limited knowledge of your husband's disabilities and little understanding of what it's like to be in your and your DH's situation. Your situation seems unusual in that you appear to have a parent/child relationship with your husband but maybe that is reasonable in your circumstances. I think that you would perhaps get better advice and understanding from people who know you both in RL.

DLA is to help with the additional costs resulting from disability, yes, but that is clearly being covered by the OP as part of the household budget - receiving DLA doesn't mean a household isn't 'allowed' to spend the household money on whatever they like, just like a household in receipt of no benefits or, say, child benefit or tax credits!

OP, given the info regarding your circumstances I would agree with your stance. The fact that the money is DLA is a bit of a red herring IMO, it's really just part of the overall budget, which you control as a direct result of your DH's disability.

So in other words, YANBU.