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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say no to handing over money.

97 replies

RyVeeta · 28/11/2014 23:14

Complicated, please bear with me.
Dh gets DLA. It goes into the joint account, the only account we have. He is saving for an expensive piece of equipment and it's taking him a long time.
He finds it frustrating. He thinks I should hand over all his DLA each month. I think that's unreasonable as it is supposed to cover the extra costs of being disabled. The car used to take him anywhere, petrol insurance etc. The fact that the heating has to be on 24/7. The lighting is on longer than a normal family house as he frequently stays up all night (hence not being able to lower or turn heating off at night). He needs clothes more than other people and won't wear cheap clothes, eg. boxers £15.00 for two. I give him £120 per month 'pocket money'. He buys little from this, the odd vinyl for his collection, the rest he is saving. His comics, magazines, books, and all other equipment comes out of the family money.
I think it should stay in the joint account to be used as needed. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
MrsCSoprano · 29/11/2014 11:53

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YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 29/11/2014 11:56

Christ there is some awful awful comments on here.

I receive DLA and my husband works, I don't. I need the heating on constantly and these comments make me feel like absolute shit.

LegoAdventCalendar · 29/11/2014 11:59

Jesus wept. What a cocklodger. My son has AS, he knows how far is too far because I don't allow him to use his condition to run roughshod over the entire family. You enable this man to. What a shame. I would stop pandering to this adult child and enabling him. He saves up from his allowance or sells up. What an example for your children, as he runs through money like water on a bunch of crap.

Unless you inherited for a Russian billionaire, the money will run out one day.

diddl · 29/11/2014 12:00

He has to have the best of everything?

Or just when someone else pays??

LIZS · 29/11/2014 12:05

has he ever paid his way or contributed to the household ? A 4k guitar , no way . Why can't he sell some of the others Hmm How does he order his collections, if over the internet could he not work similarly from home ?

whatever5 · 29/11/2014 12:07

I didn't think DLA was dependent on household income though so it makes no sense to say that those who receive DLA shouldn't buy "expensive frivolities".

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 29/11/2014 12:10

OP, you have had a hard time on here but YADNBU. If your DH wants another guitar he needs to save up for it or sell another one of his collection (which many musicians do when they want to change instruments or upgrade to a better one)

The DLA is supposed to be to help with the extra costs of being disabled and although a guitar will be good for your DH, it cannot be considered essential in the same way as heating the house is or feeding the children. Stick to your guns, OP!

Becca1992 · 29/11/2014 12:15

I think DLA is for people with disabilities to make their lives easier/more pleasant so no issue with the guitar as such but you are being taken for a ride imo.

cobaltjam · 29/11/2014 12:21

I get DLA and I spend most of mine on hobbies/collections as I tend to get obsessive about them due to my disability, and it enhances my quality of life. Although £4k would be a big chunk of it, I get about £100 a week and have never spent as much as that in one go!

There are other non means-tested things you could be claiming OP, I get ESA as well as DLA even though DH is on a high wage, and you could be claiming Carers Allowance for him even with your inheritance (my sister claims it for me as she doesn't work). So getting a full benefits check may help with the difficulties you have with household income.

MrsCSoprano · 29/11/2014 12:23

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quietbatperson · 29/11/2014 12:24

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SorchaN · 29/11/2014 12:26

Actually, MrsC, there are often good reasons why people with disabilities need more clothes than the average, or need expensive clothes. I can't speak for the OP's partner, but I have a friend with severe ME who simply needs to wear more clothes because he needs lots of layers to keep him from getting cold, and he needs to wear more expensive fibres like silk and wool because other materials aggravate his serious skin condition. He's not well enough to work, so the costs of these needs have to be borne by the benefits he receives. I really don't see why people receiving benefits should have to be accountable to the general public for their spending choices.

tabulahrasa · 29/11/2014 12:39

The DLA is his and can be spent on anything he wants, it would be silly to keep DLA separate to pay for the extra expenses of having a disability and use the same amount of other income as spending money. So in theory there's nothing wrong with spending it however he wants to.

But, he's an adult with responsibilities and they come before his wants.

So YANBU to say that it should be counted as household income and only when everything else is paid for is there leftover money for him to spend on things like hobbies.

cobaltjam · 29/11/2014 13:50

Of course MrsCSoprano she provides 35 hours of care weekly. She wouldn't be entitled to it if she didn't. My point was that it doesn't depend on assets, so OP could be claiming if she is just living off inheritance and doesn't have a wage. It's worth claiming everything she's entitled to as they seem to be struggling as it is.

skylark2 · 29/11/2014 13:57

I don't understand why you'd call a musical instrument "equipment." It isn't equipment.

It all sounds very odd. Do you have power of attorney? Yes, he should be given his DLA - but he should then be spending it on the things he needs, not leaving it to you to fund them all.

None of this makes any sense. You say he spends little and then you talk about £100 per month on books - why isn't this part of his "fun" budget?

LadySybilLikesCake · 29/11/2014 14:11

Maybe guitar's and music are the OP's DH's thing? I met a guy with ASD. He talked none stop for three hours about Sherlock Holmes as that was his thing. My nephew has ASD, his thing is football and he'll talk your ears off about football.

I think he needs to sell some of the ones he already has. Here the DLA goes into the household kitty so it's not used for anything specific. The kitty covers everything, so getting ds to school, paying for his podiatrist, paying for his shoes, paying for therapy putty, paying for his laptop which he uses at school because he finds writing painful. Your DH is an adult though but by the sounds of it he's not able to manage his own finances. I don't think anyone has the right to question how you fund your life, that's a tad nosy Wink

Inertia · 29/11/2014 14:54

Perhaps the answer is to have all of the money coming in pooled to pay for household expenses, then each of you takes out (say) £200 per month into a separate account to pay for hobby things - book, comics, guitars etc. It seems reasonable for clothes to come from household expenses as they are related to his disability, but if he wants more control over his money then he can choose whether guitars or comics are the greater necessity.

MrsCSoprano · 29/11/2014 15:03

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LIZS · 29/11/2014 15:25

Even if it is his "thing" it doesn't mean it should be indulged at the expense of everyone else. How do you even find room to store so many guitars etc. Unless he has MH issues as part of his disability he has no right to behave as a child or demand that you cater for every whim. op you can say no from time to time or ask that he waits to buy particular items when not full price.

Babiecakes11 · 29/11/2014 15:26

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sleeponeday · 29/11/2014 15:26

My child has an ASD. He's obsessive and a collector, so I understand that aspect. But he also knows about money, and he is constantly talked through how something makes someone else feel and how he would feel if it were him.

Do you get carer's allowance for all you do? You should.

MrsC my son has to wear expensive clothes because he has sensory issues as part of his autism - it's really common for people on the spectrum. He has problems with sounds, smells, tastes and touch being acutely sensitive. He can't wear a wide range of fabrics, and he often has to tear his clothes off in a hurry because he feels like insects are crawling on his skin. Seams need to be beautifully and carefully sewn, fibres need to be natural and breathable, everything needs to be very soft. (This isn't helped by his also having eczema and being prone to heat rash if the clothes aren't breathable.) He has to have real sheepskin boots, expensive socks so the seams and heels etc don't rub, good shoes that fit well, soft cottons against his skin. He won't even wear cashmere in terms of wool, because of the itch - I used to buy second hand Brora to wear over cotton, but he can't cope with inadvertantly brushing against it now. It's a real problem. I'm the least extravagant person and happily buy Primark pants for the rest of us and Ebay finds are my favourite for his toys etc, but clothing is expensive. As is dentistry (sensory issues make for problematic visits and he needs a paediatric one). He needs special chew necklaces as well, as chewing helps him screen out the overwhelming stimulus in tricky situations, and they are not cheap either, especially when your child is only 6, goes through them really pretty quickly, and at school things will inevitably be lost sometimes, or disappeared by other covetous kids now and then (he's not bullied at his current school, but they are nice looking and the kids are small, and magpie instincts only human in little people). We save money on cinemas, though - even ear defenders can't make that okay for him due to sensory overload. But it doesn't compensate for the other ways he needs additional items. In my son's case, too, Lego is what this guy's guitars are - a place he can disappear in his mind and recover from how overwhelming he finds the world, through creativity and inner worlds he can completely control. Thank God for Ebay there, as well.

DLA is paid because being disabled is expensive. We don't get it now because DS is now doing so well he's not seen as in need of it, which was brilliant news (never been so delighted to realise we weren't entitled to money anymore; try hearing your five year old plan his own suicide because he hates life so much; losing some cash because he's now happy is a privilege and a joy) but disability costs heavily. There's no doubt of that. It costs in many ways, and on many levels, and financially is just one.

I don't think people unfamiliar with disability really understand the reality of it. It's understandable, but please remember that what seems simple from an able world is often less so in a disabled one.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/11/2014 15:47

The OP's husband sounds like he has no conception about financing a family's daily needs, just his own. That's a terrible place to be and a terrible place for the OP to be in, too.

The obsessions and collecting would wear me out, never mind the constant badgering for access to "his own" money.

All of that counts for nothing against the worry about what will happen when the OP's inheritance dries up. Then, all of those eleven guitars might have to be sold, and very possibly for a fraction of their original cost. I know a professional guitar player and he doesn't even have eleven of them.

OP: you made an agreement with your husband that you'd be responsible for taking care of the household expenses, so keep on doing it. Or hell-in-a-hand-card it will be for all of you.

sleeponeday · 29/11/2014 15:57

Yeah, no way would I allow the family finances to be managed by someone with that little grasp on reality. That isn't controlling, if he can no more manage funds than someone requiring a wheelchair could walk without it.

comedancing · 29/11/2014 16:00

Could he not hold on to his disability allowance be responsible for running his own car buying his own clothes and buying absolutely everything he desires re books etc...if he has too much money just for that could he be responsible for two or three standing orders eg sky broadband coming out straight after he gets paid so no danger if there being no money there. My dh is on disability after a lifetime in work and that's how we do it...he has no expensive hobbies however so l end up borrowing from his healthy account. Do not then buy one book guitar string or clothes for him except presents on birthday Christmas.

CatLady25 · 29/11/2014 16:05

You are correct and he is childish

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