Cruel mother or me overreacting.

[QueenVick]

DD1 has a party at the weekend for her 7th birthday.

DD's best friend has recently moved schools to one a couple of towns over from us. DD wanted to still invite her. So I contacted her friends mum asking if DD's friend and her brother would like to come to DD's party. She asked if she could check dates and get back to me. Fair enough.
This was 2 weeks ago now and I text her this morning as I hadn't heard anything.

She told me that she is going to bring her son but that her daughter (DD's best friend) cannot come as she has been naughty.

She couldn't come to DD's tea party last year for the same reason. And she has cancelled twice for other play dates for the girls due to her daughter being naughty.

I responded that I am sorry to hear that and that my DD will be upset but thanked her for letting me know that her son is going to come to the party.

About an hour after that last text, she texted me back and said she might let her DD come to give my DD1 her present and then they will leave.

I responded (via text as I am at work and cannot phone her) not to do that as it would upset my DD to see her best friend but her not being allowed to stay for the duration of the party. I also said that I think it is unfair to her DD. To bring her, where she will see all of her old friends from her old school, playing together at a party and then told she cant stay. I did however say that I understand as parents we have to follow through on punishments.

I left it at that.

So I guess my question is was I unreasonable to say anything to her and point out that it would be unfair on her child (and mine) to do what she as planning. I think I have upset her now as she has not responded to me.

I never get involved in a parent disciplining their child and this is the first time I have come as close as this.

My heart goes out to her DD. I've noticed her mothers harsh punishments before, or to be honest what I perceive as harsh. Her mother dotes on her son, I've seen it with my own eyes. Her daughter can do no right and her son can do no wrong.

If I'm truly honest I think what she was planning was damn cruel and it is something my own nasty, narcissistic bitch of a mother would have done to me. I am probably biased though due to my own upbringing.

Im a big believer in "instant and relevant" punishments, so unless her DD has done something spectacularly bad (im thinking like kill the family pet or something equally heinous) then saying "that party next week is off now" is just wrong.

If she was naughty on the day of the party id understand that a lot more.

Bringing her dd to hand over a gift and then taking her home is cruel. I feel sorry for the little girl - it seems her mum is a meanie.

no yanbu.
By all means you should punish a child for being naughty, but you dont need to draw that punishment out and slowly torture them with it.

Poor thing.... I agree with Think

Can your DD invite her another w/e for a sleepover & have a DVD/popcorn friends evening?

I think you did the right thing. I wouldn't want to be complicit in this mother's cruel mind games.

Children have a way of living up to your expectations, if you think they're naughty they'll be sure to wear that hat. That's assuming her daughter is being naughty and not doing minor things with an over the top punishment.

A party is a bit harsh, unless it was something extreme. I don't know what her daughter did, so I can't see if cancelling a party/playdate is cruel or fit punishment.

But, letting her daughter come to see all the fun she's missing out on is uncalled for. That's not appropriate no matter what she did.

I don't believe the mothers story.Four times? i don't think so!
I'll bet my bottom dollar that it is the girl that doesn't want to come

Thank you everyone.

Torture is the perfect description for what she was going to do.

I cant say I know weather her DD behaves for her or not but the few play dates DD1 and her friend have had at our house have been lovely. Her daughter is polite, sweet, kind. Involves my younger DD2 in hers and DD1's play, she does as asked, such as tidying up and sitting properly to eat tea.

Once while she was at my DD's school, when we were collecting the girls the teacher called my mine and her DD out to us and when the girls came over to us her mum let rip at her. Not screaming but saying things like "Oh god DD you are always so naughty, I never get a moments of peace with you!'
When I heard this I asked what she had done as she had literally just come out of school and she responded that she was just getting ready for her to be naughty as she always is. I told her then that she was being very unfair.

I would love for her DD to come over for a sleepover, My DD would be blummin ecstatic for a sleepover. I have asked and again was told she had been too naughty.

itsaknockout I wonder if you may be right. The girls always get on fantastically and both of them were in tears on her last day at school, hugging and crying.

I would rather her mum just tell me the truth that her daughter doesn't want to come to the party.

Given the coming out of school story, sounds like the mum is unhinged and the naughtyness is in her mind :-( poor girl

Poor girl , it does sound as though her mother is toxic and cruel. She will probably be on here in 20 years time if Mumsnet is still around telling about her toxic mother, who brought her to a friends party to give her the present, and took her back again and all the fun she missed.

I agree she sounds very harsh. How old is the little girl and what could she have done that is so bad? Critiquing a friends parenting style isn't something I normally get involved in either but it sounds bordering on emotional abuse.

she responded that she was just getting ready for her to be naughty as she always is.

Poor kid.

Can you get the school involved and they can encourage the mom to take parenting classes or something?

Really, she's setting this girl up for a lifetime of dysfunction.

Her little girl is 7.
I don't consider her a friend if I am honest. We just know/talk to each other because our kids like each other and consider each other best friends.

I don't get into the whole critiquing either but there have been so many times that I have been like or .

Her mother never gets into what naughty thing her DD has done and I don't ask. Its not my place to ask. Is it??

I think if you start asking too many questions you'll find the lines of communication are blocked. So while it may be important for the wee girl to hear/know that one adult will stand up for her, long-term wouldn't it be better to keep in touch so the girl (as she gets older maybe) is able to come and visit and do stuff under her own steam?

I genuinely don't know the answer to that, tbh.

See I would ask but I'm nosey! Poor kid, my nan did that favouritism thing with my cousins, it is horrible. The little girl was 'not right' and the boy was doted on. Vile.

lonny good point.

Well handled, OP.

It seems odd to still be bringing the brother to his sister's friends party. She seems to want to make it very clear that the girl will be excluded by making sure he is included! Same with the present giving.

Another tack would have been to allow the girl to come with present then get people to ply mother with cups of tea and stuff and stay, so that the girl does...........

The mum has just text me to say that's she's giving her DD until Friday night to be good then she can come if she has been good!

I'm not sure how to respond or if I should at all.

I don't want to be complicit in giving her any more 'ammo' to be unfair/cruel to her DD

I know how damaging emotional abuse it.

I suffered with it myself, still am in a way, my mother was like this to me, with a good dose of physical abuse on the side! So I've come to realise.

It has crossed my mind to get an outside body involved. I just don't want to overreact, make things worse or underreact and make things worse iykwim.

What she's doing is wrong, of this I am sure now, but what can I do. Will it even be taken seriously after some texts?

Yanbu - not only is it very cruel to her DD she is punishing your DD. I personally would want to know what it is her DD has actually done. I would try and rope another mum in on the day to distract the mother and get her poor DD in the house quickly to join in the party for a while at least.

What is even crueller is letting her DS join the party when it's her DD friend !! Dreadful behaviour, if find this really upsetting actually tbh.

I thinking sending the brother along to the daughter's best friend's party without the daughter is a vile thing to do. It seems deliberately designed to rub her nose in it and taking her to give the present then taking her home would be too. Poor girl.