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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cruel mother or me overreacting.

80 replies

QueenVick · 20/11/2014 13:21

DD1 has a party at the weekend for her 7th birthday.

DD's best friend has recently moved schools to one a couple of towns over from us. DD wanted to still invite her. So I contacted her friends mum asking if DD's friend and her brother would like to come to DD's party. She asked if she could check dates and get back to me. Fair enough.
This was 2 weeks ago now and I text her this morning as I hadn't heard anything.

She told me that she is going to bring her son but that her daughter (DD's best friend) cannot come as she has been naughty.

She couldn't come to DD's tea party last year for the same reason. And she has cancelled twice for other play dates for the girls due to her daughter being naughty.

I responded that I am sorry to hear that and that my DD will be upset but thanked her for letting me know that her son is going to come to the party.

About an hour after that last text, she texted me back and said she might let her DD come to give my DD1 her present and then they will leave.

I responded (via text as I am at work and cannot phone her) not to do that as it would upset my DD to see her best friend but her not being allowed to stay for the duration of the party. I also said that I think it is unfair to her DD. To bring her, where she will see all of her old friends from her old school, playing together at a party and then told she cant stay. I did however say that I understand as parents we have to follow through on punishments.

I left it at that.

So I guess my question is was I unreasonable to say anything to her and point out that it would be unfair on her child (and mine) to do what she as planning. I think I have upset her now as she has not responded to me.

I never get involved in a parent disciplining their child and this is the first time I have come as close as this.

My heart goes out to her DD. I've noticed her mothers harsh punishments before, or to be honest what I perceive as harsh. Her mother dotes on her son, I've seen it with my own eyes. Her daughter can do no right and her son can do no wrong.

If I'm truly honest I think what she was planning was damn cruel and it is something my own nasty, narcissistic bitch of a mother would have done to me. I am probably biased though due to my own upbringing.

OP posts:

pecknum · 21/11/2014 11:02

another option is to be totally open and tell her that this has really really upset you and that the whole idea of punishing a child a week ahead has cast a shadow over the whole party.

pluCaChange · 21/11/2014 11:57

I was thinking what a shame it was that the girl was being socially separated from your DD now that they're at different schools, and tge social hours are all they have left... until quietbatperson came along with that horrible suggestion which makes even more sense...

SneakretSanta · 21/11/2014 12:20

I was once banned from attending a friend's party- I was about six and had broken the toy we'd bought the birthday girl and kicked my mother because I wanted one too. Not sure what the hell I was thinking as was usually very well behaved but it was the morning of the party and really shocking behaviour - like someone up thread said, missing party was a fitting and logical punishment. Even so I remember my Mum umming and ahhing as it was such a big treat to miss. Can't imagine what she could have done to justify missing it weeks in advance!! The mother sounds rather nasty...

Original poster

QueenVick · 21/11/2014 12:23

It was DD's actual birthday yesterday so we went out for tea. While we were there I received another text from her saying 'well, I gave her another chance tonight, even extended it 3 times but shes still not behaving so its up to you I can bring my son or give it a miss'

I replied 'its probably best to give it a miss'

Her last text was 'okay, sorry'

So now neither of them are coming. I am glad her little boy isn't coming without his sister as DH pointed out to me last night that maybe it would upset DD to see him and not her friend.

My daughter has never been to play at her house, mainly due to me putting it off. Her new (ish ) boyfriend is a bit odd, I don't like him, nothing specific just a vibe/feeling I get around him I'm not saying he is a bad person but I instantly didn't like him

I would really like to invite her over again but I don't want to push it.

Not sure if I should just leave it or try again. I want this little girl to know someone is looking out for her. DH says to leave it that no one will listen and nothing will be done

OP posts:

OpalQuartz · 21/11/2014 12:37

If the mother moved schools to avoid a safeguarding referral I would hope the school would pass on any concerns to the next school.

Quitelikely · 21/11/2014 12:43

I think you were quite right in saying nope that would upset my dd but I would have also said was can you please let her come just this once.

I don't think it's your place to say that her punishment is too harsh, I do think it is too. Tbh I couldn't stand someone like this.

Quitelikely · 21/11/2014 12:47

What you should do in the future is make arrangements without notice so then hopefully the girl won't have much time to put a foot wrong!

Anyway if I was you I'd be tempted to just open the floodgates now:

Tell her that she's favouritising her son, she's always cancelling play dates etc but I suppose you'd have to be super brave to do that lol

OpalQuartz · 21/11/2014 12:47

Have you ever asked what the bad behaviour is op, when the mother keeps saying how awful her behaviour is?

Callani · 21/11/2014 12:49

Seriously, is her daughter an arsonist? Does she regularly throw rotten food at old ladies in the street? I just can't comprehend what this girl could be doing that the mother thinks this is a suitable punishment. Her mother sounds malicious and cruel and I'm not surprised this has upset you OP, because it's really upset me too.

GimliMinge · 21/11/2014 12:59

DH says to leave it that no one will listen and nothing will be done

At least you'll know you tried.

Summerisle1 · 21/11/2014 13:14

This all comes across as cruel. I can't imagine what on earth the child could have done to warrant this long-drawn out and unpleasant punishment but it strikes me that she needs someone to stick up for her.

Littlef00t · 21/11/2014 13:17

I don't know how much you have on, but you could just keep inviting her dd for sleepovers etc. if she's repeatedly cancelling due to bad behaviour you could always suggest she chooses another consequence as this one doesn't seem to be effective.

PumpkinsMummy · 21/11/2014 13:37

Very glad that the brother is now not coming. That would have been unbelievably cruel for the poor mite to see golden child bro going to her best friends party when she can't. I would have told the mother that she has also punished your daughter by refusing to let her daughter come to the party and that although it is her choice how to discipline it should not effect others too.

Your comment about the relatively new boyfriend giving you a weird vibe, the moving schools and the withdrawal of the girl from even long held social activities is raising massive red flags for me though I'm afraid. Much more likely to just be a very strict mum but I would be calling NSPCC or SS to be on the safe side.

frumpet · 21/11/2014 15:11

It seems quite dehumanising doesn't it , labelling her daughter as a 'naughty child' . Is it worse or better since the arrival of the new boyfriend ? If i were you OP i would ring the new school and voice your concerns , they can keep an eye for the little girl then .

pluCaChange · 21/11/2014 15:13

"well, I gave her another chance tonight, even extended it 3 times but shes still not behaving so its up to you I can bring my son or give it a miss"

I hate the MN over-use of the word "unhinged," but she does sound in the grip of some kind of uncontrollable prejudice about her DD.

When I get in a state that whatever my DC do annoys me, I have to go somewhere to calm down, because it makes me feel sick. Who enjoys being angry all the time? Only controlling and twisted individuals. What do the other parents at this girl's ex-school think? Maybe you could ask advice from your school; they might be able to do something through the correct channels...

BeggingYourPardon · 21/11/2014 17:43

Text the mother.

Say your sorry she is getting such bad behaviour from her daughter, but your daughter would really really love to see her and it would be a punishment for her not to see her friend.

You could also say that you could have a quiet word with the daughter about her behaviour. When really, it may be worth asking the girl what she has done to prompt these punishments. If you trust that she will give you a correct answer?

Norfolkandchance1234 · 21/11/2014 17:52

Funnily enough I had a similar thing today although I know the mum and she's nothing like this one.
Her DD was coming to our house after school so my DD and her could go to a party together. I was told her DD and been naughty and was told she may not be able to go. So I said ' I hope she will go because my DD will be very upset, and what did she do anyway'. The mum let me know what she'd done and said she would let her go because she didn't want to upset my DD but was reluctant because of her naughtiness. Both girls came to mine and to the party.

Now this sounds like a normal response to this type of situation. Which kind of clarified to me that your situation is definitively not nice or normal.

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/11/2014 18:14

I would still say she is unconditionally invited, your daughter's party should not be used as punishment for another person's kid.

CumberCookie · 21/11/2014 18:31

From the sounds of it this woman's behaviour is the reason why we need a law about emotional neglect and abuse.

I really feel for that little girl.

Hissy · 21/11/2014 19:04

your description of the boyf has my blood running cold.

I feel there's something more than a 'naughty' child here. please keep an eye? please keep inviting this child and see if you can get her to yours to see how she is.

Hissy · 21/11/2014 19:05

I think you should call the NSPCC.

Starlightbright1 · 21/11/2014 19:40

Call SS get this logged...

The thing with this is most counties will compile all the information so if they have received info from school, Gp it all should be logged against the family . It helps to build up a picture .. As for this poor girl not sure what I would do. IT sounds tragic.

Did she ever say why she was moving schools

Bulbasaur · 21/11/2014 19:42

your description of the boyf has my blood running cold.

Except the daughter isn't really misbehaving or acting out. Her mother is moving the goal posts and setting her daughter up to fail. That doesn't scream sexual abuse on the boyfriend's part. It could, but seeing as how she hasn't witnessed the boyfriend doing anything beside being a bit odd, I don't think we can label him as a problem.

My mother did the same thing to me. Told me I couldn't go out until the house was clean. I would do all the chores and she would go out of her way to find something to keep me in and pin the blame on me. No one ever stuck up for me either. All her friends at church went on about what a wonderful mother she was.

So yes, stick up for her. The worst thing my mother ever did was refuse to report my friend who was getting physically abused to social services because she was friends with the mother. She failed that child in so many respects, and I'm still not sure I fully forgive her for that. Don't be that person. At least try. A report to SS may not make a difference, but talking to the school or teachers might so they can help make a safety net and get the child in touch with the proper resources.

greenbananas · 21/11/2014 22:04

Yesterday I posted on this thread to say you probably hadn't got enough to call social services with. .. but I've been re-reading and I think you definitely have.

Talk to the school - they may well have concerns of their own already, and it's best to keep them in the loop. Call your local children and families help desk. .. That way it will be logged.

Also keep an eye out for this girl, have her over to play as often as you can, and make it clear to her that you like and appreciate her and will always be a listening ear of she needs one.

pluCaChange · 22/11/2014 15:55

How long is it since you've seen this girl in the flesh? Is it consistent, the cancellation of playdates/meetups?

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