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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cruel mother or me overreacting.

80 replies

QueenVick · 20/11/2014 13:21

DD1 has a party at the weekend for her 7th birthday.

DD's best friend has recently moved schools to one a couple of towns over from us. DD wanted to still invite her. So I contacted her friends mum asking if DD's friend and her brother would like to come to DD's party. She asked if she could check dates and get back to me. Fair enough.
This was 2 weeks ago now and I text her this morning as I hadn't heard anything.

She told me that she is going to bring her son but that her daughter (DD's best friend) cannot come as she has been naughty.

She couldn't come to DD's tea party last year for the same reason. And she has cancelled twice for other play dates for the girls due to her daughter being naughty.

I responded that I am sorry to hear that and that my DD will be upset but thanked her for letting me know that her son is going to come to the party.

About an hour after that last text, she texted me back and said she might let her DD come to give my DD1 her present and then they will leave.

I responded (via text as I am at work and cannot phone her) not to do that as it would upset my DD to see her best friend but her not being allowed to stay for the duration of the party. I also said that I think it is unfair to her DD. To bring her, where she will see all of her old friends from her old school, playing together at a party and then told she cant stay. I did however say that I understand as parents we have to follow through on punishments.

I left it at that.

So I guess my question is was I unreasonable to say anything to her and point out that it would be unfair on her child (and mine) to do what she as planning. I think I have upset her now as she has not responded to me.

I never get involved in a parent disciplining their child and this is the first time I have come as close as this.

My heart goes out to her DD. I've noticed her mothers harsh punishments before, or to be honest what I perceive as harsh. Her mother dotes on her son, I've seen it with my own eyes. Her daughter can do no right and her son can do no wrong.

If I'm truly honest I think what she was planning was damn cruel and it is something my own nasty, narcissistic bitch of a mother would have done to me. I am probably biased though due to my own upbringing.

OP posts:
quietbatperson · 20/11/2014 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 20/11/2014 14:50

Golden Child/Scapegoat situation I fear.

That poor girl ;(

Original poster
QueenVick · 20/11/2014 14:51

I've thought about withdrawing the invite for her son tbh. But it's not his fault and don't think he should be punished. I also think if I did do that she would then punish her DD more!

Arrrrrrrghhhhhhh God, it's so hard to know what to do for the best. Sad

OP posts:
whatsagoodusername · 20/11/2014 14:52

Wow, that is nasty. Poor little girl.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/11/2014 14:52

I would tell her that you are looking forward for her dd to come, and that your dd will enjoy seeing her dd and catching up and enjoying the fun.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/11/2014 14:53

I reckon she dont want the girl at the party or to yours for playdates because DD is very well behaved and is almost showing her Mum up us a liar.

I bet the boy is actually naughtier than the girl.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/11/2014 15:09

I would respond 'Your daughter is unconditionally invited to the party, she has always been perfectly well behaved and I don't think it is fair for you to use her best friend's party as punishment for whatever misdeed she has carried out.'

Selinasupreme · 20/11/2014 15:18

I don't know the full situation but to me that sounds abusive. A bit of naughty step or confiscation of toys/early to bed is one thing but excluding them from parties for behaviour is awful. What can she have done that is SO bad? Why do people expect adult behavior and understanding from children? Sorry but I would like to strangle this woman.

SparkyLark · 20/11/2014 15:20

Yep, golden child and scapegoat child.

I knew a mother like that, I kept away from her, toxic.

My heart bled for that poor girl though Sad.

It really did.

You could tell social services. But I suppose this sort of thing happens all the time, evil though it is.

But what can you realistically do?

LouMum14 · 20/11/2014 16:06

I just googled 'golden child and scapegoat child' out of curiosity and found this. So sad. www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-scapegoat.html Sad

KnackeredMuchly · 20/11/2014 16:13

She sounds just horrible Sad

Goldenbear · 20/11/2014 16:27

I really do think you've got to help this poor child.

Did she ever have your child to play if so has your daughter commented on what she is like in a domestic setting? My DS is 7.5 and IME they do start to pick up on how 'strict' or 'abrasive' other parents are when they go around to others homes to play. My DS would definitely notice.

QTPie · 20/11/2014 17:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

greenbananas · 20/11/2014 17:10

I think you're perfectly justified in asking what the 'offence' was. After all, this woman has effectively imposed sanctions on your dd as well as her own.

This might also give you some idea of proportionate the sanction is. This little girl would have to have something pretty bad to be prevented from attending her best friend's birthday!

I don't think you have enough to call social services with just yet, but alarm bells are obviously ringing for you. Have a look at the nspcc website for definitions of emotional abuse - sounds like it would be a good idea to quietly keep an eye out for this little girl.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/11/2014 08:11

I would ask what she did wrong, poor girl. What a nasty mother.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 21/11/2014 08:22

I also think Tali is on to something - the fact that the poor girl can't ever go anywhere because she will be well behaved but sadly also maybe;

because she might tell someone about her mothers awful, cruel behaviour

Norfolkandchance1234 · 21/11/2014 08:25

I would call the girls new school and see if they can talk to her on her own to ask about what her punishments are at home exactly and what they are for. Insist this is done not by the teachers but someone who specialises in child welfare at the school.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 21/11/2014 08:36

There is nothing wrong with calling social services and you are perfectly justified to do that in this situation. Please do. They won't get directly involved and make a big hoo ha unless there is proof, but they will call the School and take things from there so the burden is off your shoulders and being dealt with by professionals who know what to look out for and listen to.

Frogme · 21/11/2014 08:58

Poor child. And poor your dd

I sometimes said to mine, "you wouldn't be going to that, except it is not fair on the other child, if you don't go" but would never have even said that for a birthday party.

That is really cruel. I'd try to get her around another time and ask some subtle questions before I involve ss. I think you probably need more examples for them to really take you seriously.

MokunMokun · 21/11/2014 09:21

How about texting something like "Really hope she can come. My DD will be so disappointed if she can't make it :( "?

I think sometimes parents get so caught up in their punishments they forget they affect other people.

I wouldn't start on the mum or she may stop your daughter from seeing her again out of school.

MokunMokun · 21/11/2014 09:22

Sorry, see her again full stop.

sashh · 21/11/2014 09:23

I'm not sure how to respond or if I should at all.

How about, "please bring her, I know you have rules, but for my daughter this would make her birthday to have her old friend here for a couple of hours"

That way you give her an 'out', she can (and if she brings her will) tell the daughter she is not worthy of going to the party and is only being allowed because of you and your dd.

This is emotional abuse, not so easy to report as physical but just as damaging.

Miggsie · 21/11/2014 09:28

It may be an idea that if the girl does turn up you tell the child (out of her mother's hearing) that she is ALWAYS welcome in your house and she can come any time. In fact you may want to repeat this message frequently is she is round your house often.

If her mother is toxic then she will need another person's perspective, especially f her mother is demonising her behaviour for no reason.

Callani · 21/11/2014 09:42

Poor girl, she'll have the threat of behaving until Friday and what's the betting that on Friday evening she'll leave a sock on the bedroom floor, or not clean out the sink properly after brushing her teeth or even just give her Mum a "funny look" that will mean she's banned from the party still?

Horrible behaviour from the mother OP, but I don't know what you can do about it apart from maybe make a plea on your DD's behalf

pecknum · 21/11/2014 10:59

My mother was a bit like this - I was a scapegoat - and I longed for another adult to intervene or at least stick up for me as my mother moved the goalposts. She saw other parents passivity as them condoning her attitude to me and it normalised her behaviour.

This thread has struck so many chords that I've actually re-registered with mumsnet in order to leave a comment.

Firstly, I would withdraw the invitation to the son- in a reasonable way. Otherwise you are colluding with her, however unwillingly. You could say that if her daughter isn't coming you would rather not have her son, as it would upset your own daughter and remind her that her friend was not there. If you really wanted to lay it on, you could say your daughter keeps asking what could her friend have possible done.

Then you could ask what her daughter has done. You could ask in a shocked way which infers that such a punishment would only be fit for something really really bad. This could subtly stimulate changes in the mother's thinking.

The little girl is only SIX! (though I once grounded my 13 year old for a month on her one and only incidence of shoplifting but we were very open about it and it did fall apart a bit in the face of irresistible invitations.)You could suggest- in a kindly, sharing experience kind of way- that in your experience you always find it much more effective to deal with bad behaviour on the day, there and then, rather than elongate things, if she really wants to get positive changes. Which is challenging her subtly about whether she really is interested in positive changes.

Or if you don't feel you can do any of these things, you could ask the son when he is at your house- what on earth did so and so do?
hope this helps. The whole thread has filled me with sorrow for this poor little girl.
I hope you and your daughter have a lovely party!

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