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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is being selfish?

79 replies

startwig1982 · 08/11/2014 08:21

Last night wasn't a great night for any of us. Ds(3) was up twice and dd(11weeks) was up once.
Ds first came in at 2.30am so I told him he had to go back to bed and who did he want to put him in bed? He said mummy so fair enough, I went and settled him back in bed. DH, meanwhile, got up and went to the toilet.
Then ds came in again at 4.30am. This time he wanted daddy so I woke DH up and asked him to put ds back in bed. He did but it took him a lot longer as ds plays him up.
I know asking ds who he wants can be pandering to him but as dd is also in our room and I didn't want her woken, it's easier to do this.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning when we're all awake at a reasonable time, dh says to me 'please could you not wake me up in the middle of the night as I was sleeping heavily and I don't want to be disturbed'. He doesn't work weekends and as far as I can tell he just doesn't want to get up with the children during the night especially as I'm already awake. Is it just me or is he being ur and a bit of an arse ?

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 08/11/2014 08:24

i wouldn't wake someone if I were already awake

JeanSeberg · 08/11/2014 08:24

He's unreasonable for saying that but I wouldn't let your child choose and I'd have shifts of which parent is on duty so you both get a free night plus lie-in.

MyGhostIsFlummoxed · 08/11/2014 08:25

Tell him you don't like to be disturbed either but that's what happens when you have kids. He's an arse.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 08/11/2014 08:25

Why are you asking a 3 year old who he wants to put him back in bed?

I'd do night about at the weekends - one night you get off, next night he gets off (other than BF the baby, if you are - but he would do bum change if needed)

LadyLuck10 · 08/11/2014 08:25

It's you who is bu. why are you giving him choices about who to take him back. If you're up just do it. I wouldn't wake someone out of a deep sleep if I'm awake.

Original poster

startwig1982 · 08/11/2014 08:25

That would be fine but he doesn't hear ds get up and sleeps through everything, even dd wailing right next to him. So if I don't wake him up then he won't do anything anyway!

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/11/2014 08:26

It is a bit UR to actually wake him up simply to pander to your son. Who them misbehaves for him anyway.

R4roger · 08/11/2014 08:26

yabu to wake him, bit mean. how would you like it if the boot was on the other foot?

MyGhostIsFlummoxed · 08/11/2014 08:27

I've woken DH up before to deal with the kids, I figure we take it in turns, especially at the weekend. Why should one parent be up numerous times in the night?

DurhamDurham · 08/11/2014 08:29

If I was already awake I would put the toddler back to bed, I wouldn't wake my husband up to do it. I would hope that my husband would return that curtesy to me.

I would not be giving the toddler a choice, when my two used to come into our room in the middle of the night we used yo put them back to bed without uttering a word. Luckily my girls like their sleep as much as I do so it was a rare occurrence.

Rebecca2014 · 08/11/2014 08:29

Bit unreasonable to wake him up to pander to your son. I have a 2.6 year old and I wouldn't ask her who she wanted to take her to bed!

Catsmamma · 08/11/2014 08:30

failing to understand why a child asking an awake person to do something is LESS likely to wake the baby than a child having a conversation, then waking another person to do the very thing the awake person could have done in the first place.

Stop pandering to the pair of them is the answer.

R4roger · 08/11/2014 08:30

i probably would have let the DS stay in our bed

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/11/2014 08:34

If your DS had woken him up, he'd be unreasonable to complain about it. YABU to wake him up at a child's whim. Can you get him to take charge this morning so you can have a lie in?

RunByFruiting · 08/11/2014 08:37

Can you put a stairgate on your ds's door to stop him coming in?

Yabu to pander to him at night & wake up dh when you were already awake, you should be taking it in turns to have a full nights uninterrupted!

Buttercup27 · 08/11/2014 08:38

Yabu. You were already awake. What's the point if you both being woken up when you don't have too. I would have just done it but then got dh to get up with the kids In the morning.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 08:39

Yabu. But i can see why, as its all down to you in the night and that is really hard. Your Ds is struggling with having a new baby in the house but this will pass. I would just lead him gently back to bed, or let him get in with you, whichever suits you best

If you a the one who has to get up in the night then you are entitled to a lie in the next morning. So i would pursue that, rather than waking your DH.
If you are going to wake him in the night (sometimes you just can't get up again, its a dreadful feeling) then FGs don't let him know that's what you're doing, you nudge him awake (several techniques are possible) and then pretend to be asleep as he gets up. Or send DS round to s side of the bed and pretend to be asleep, that's what he does (got up for the loo after you got up with DS)

JustAShopGirl · 08/11/2014 08:46

If I was awake I'd deal with it. seems petty to wake someone up, or to think it is "their turn" - life is not like that. Discuss before bed which one will get up - but I would not deliberately wake up somebody who is in a deep sleep if I was already awake.

But to be honest I would be sorting out the reasons for a 3 year old being up twice in the night. Why does he think it is ok to get up and wake you - is he ill? teething? toilet training? or is it habit?

Original poster

startwig1982 · 08/11/2014 08:47

Ok I get that I'm being unreasonable for a variety of reasons. If we ignore the whole asking ds thing, because that only happens at weekends when there's an option, then it means that I will be doing every get up for the rest of the years time when the dc may get up during the night, purely because DH doesn't hear them and wake up and AIBU to wake him. That sounds fair. Ho hum.

OP posts:

Original poster

startwig1982 · 08/11/2014 08:49

It's not that common for ds to be up during the night, really. For what ever reason, last night just wasn't a good one.

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 08:50

I would stake my next coffee on the DS just needing an extra bit of comfort/ assurance now that baby is here. Its quite common for older siblings to experience some regression in this way. And night-wakings are not unusual in his age group anyway. (Apart from the children of those marvels of parenting who do everything right and don't stand for any nonsense )

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/11/2014 08:51

Personally if id already woken I'd not wake up someone one else on a child's whim. Way to make it worth his while.

You need to sort out his sleep there's no need at tree to he up and this pandering with regard to choosing parent is just giving him the attention he wants. Don't engage any conversation or even look at him just take him back to bed.

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/11/2014 08:51

If it doesn't happen that often then it isn't really much of an issue, surely?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 08/11/2014 08:52

Why can't you do 50/50?

He does hear your DS, BTW, he just chooses to ignore him.

But asking your DS who he wants in the middle of the night is a bad idea.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 08:53

starwig i feel your pain. Sleep deprivation is utter torture and imho, responsible for a large proportion of PND.
Its a PItA that he doesn't wake up to DS.
Does he let you lie in in the morning? I would be pretty insistent on that if you can.

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