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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being selfish?

79 replies

startwig1982 · 08/11/2014 08:21

Last night wasn't a great night for any of us. Ds(3) was up twice and dd(11weeks) was up once.
Ds first came in at 2.30am so I told him he had to go back to bed and who did he want to put him in bed? He said mummy so fair enough, I went and settled him back in bed. DH, meanwhile, got up and went to the toilet.
Then ds came in again at 4.30am. This time he wanted daddy so I woke DH up and asked him to put ds back in bed. He did but it took him a lot longer as ds plays him up.
I know asking ds who he wants can be pandering to him but as dd is also in our room and I didn't want her woken, it's easier to do this.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning when we're all awake at a reasonable time, dh says to me 'please could you not wake me up in the middle of the night as I was sleeping heavily and I don't want to be disturbed'. Blush He doesn't work weekends and as far as I can tell he just doesn't want to get up with the children during the night especially as I'm already awake. Is it just me or is he being ur and a bit of an arse ?

OP posts:
Charitybelle · 08/11/2014 08:53

I kind of agree with pp that it prob would have been easier to just put ds back to bed yourself if you were awake.....that's prob what I would have done.
However. If you are up with dd every night and your husband is a deep sleeper, doesn't this just mean that he never ever has to wake up or do anything with the kids at night? That's def not right!

Maybe you need to work on sleep training yourself OP so that you're in a deeper sleep than your DH in future when your DS comes in at night, then it would be him that's woken first and he would be unreasonable to wake you? Certainly that's the logic on this thread, whoever is awake first just gets on with it? Grin
Personally if it were me, which it will be soon, currently expecting my second DC, then I would ask for a night each on the weekends. One night DH takes them both one night (except for b-feeding if necessary) and you have them the next? Then you both get at least one night of half decent sleep a week? It's only fair, but beyond that, if you both want to be able to function long term it's the only thing that might stop a build of resentment?

fairylightsintheloft · 08/11/2014 08:54

I sleep on the side nearest the door and always pretty much wake up first and deal with any middle of the night issues. I then get the lie in. I wouldn't wake DH up to deal with it if I was already awake - not least because it takes 5 times a long for the entire incident to be dealt with. He will struggle to get back to sleep and be a grumpy arse all the next day. OR I quickly sort it out, get back to sleep and get a lie in while he gets up happily (ish) anytime from 6am and entertains them til about 8-9 when he wakes me up with a cup of tea. Works for us. (we work the same job btw so no issues about who does what elsewhere).

KatieKaye · 08/11/2014 08:57

Yes, it is unfair that you wake up. But it isn't fair to blame DH for being a sound sleeper.

It's even more unfair that you then wake up DH. What is the point in having both of you awake and then being tired the next morning?

It's even more unfair to wake DH up because DS wants him to put him to bed. In the middle of the night you see to his needs and get him back into his own bed with the minimum of fuss, especially as you say DD is in your room and might wake up. Don't give DS a choice - the parent who is awake takes him back to bed.

Can you persuade DS to always go to daddy's side of the bed first? Wink

RunByFruiting · 08/11/2014 08:58

So you do all the night stuff, and get to be the one to have a lie in (or the bulk of the lieins). Everyone wins!

RandomMess · 08/11/2014 09:00

I trained dh to hear ours, I just kicked him until he woke up!!

In fairness DH gets back to sleep in 30 seconds if I actually get out of bed it takes me sometimes hours to get back to sleep. Obviously I got up when they were little to feed them and when they were ill I did my share etc. but generally I did hte youngest and he did the rest.

BalloonSlayer · 08/11/2014 09:00

If you are letting him choose who puts him back then I'd guess he is going back to bed thinking "I chose Mummy this time so I'll choose Daddy next time." So I'd say it's the letting him choose is what is making him keep getting up.

Even if I worked a 90 hour week and my DH was a SAHM, if a child came in and I was awake and DH wasn't I'd put the child back to bed by myself. Unless it was going to be a half an hour job - I suppose then I might deploy the "kick-snore" tactic on DH but I wouldn't do it blatently.

EverythingsRunningAway · 08/11/2014 09:04

YA absolutely NOT BU

I can't believe all the "being a woman you are awake anyway, so get on with your skivvying and let the important Man have his sleep."

There are two children. The 11 week old is your responsibility (presuming you are breastfeeding), so the toddler is his.

If he needs a bit of a prod to wake up and do his bit of parenting, then he'll have to either put up with that or figure out a way to not need waking when his child needs him.

Getting up out of bed is unpleasant and disturbs rest even if you are only half asleep and waiting for the next feed.

The idea that because you are "awake anyway" that he should have undisturbed "deep" sleep beside you while you attend to everything is horrible.

That he would ask a knackered mother of an 11 week old baby not to disturb him at night because it displeases him speaks of a nasty sense of his own superior status in relation to you.

Weirdly a lot of people on MN but into the idea that women exist to make sure men get lots of sleep and free time for boozing and hobbies.

It somehow always seems to "make sense" that the woman do everything.

attheendoftheday · 08/11/2014 09:05

You would be perfectly reasonable to expect your dh to do half the night waking, but it might be better to organise it by periods of being on duty or off duty.

Your dh is being an are to ask not to be woken. He's also very likely to be being woken but letting you deal with things imo which makes him more of an are.

attheendoftheday · 08/11/2014 09:05

Are=arse. My phone is very polite.

flanjabelle · 08/11/2014 09:05

What??? So because the ops dh doesn't bother to wake up, the op should sort all night wakings?! The dh only sleeps so soundly because he knows the op will sort it! do you think he would stay asleep if he was with the kids alone?

Op I would ask your dh why he feels that he shouldn't have to do any of the night wakings and if he actually thinks that is a fair arrangement. If he is so adamant that it's not his job, there needs to be some other compensation for you, ie he gets up with both kids both mornings of the weekend so you get to sleep then.

I can't quite believe the attitudes on this thread. Yes leave the poor man to have his sleep, it's the woman's job to wake for the kids!

feelingunsupported · 08/11/2014 09:06

Would this work?
Week nights - you sleep nearest the door. If dc wakes he can wake you to take him back

Weekends - dp sleeps nearest the door. DS wakes him

Tbh - I just say 'get back to bed, it's nighttime' and ds isn't quite 3 yet. Unless he's poorly or something he would just head back.

Timeforabiscuit · 08/11/2014 09:12

THREE YEARS!! THREE YEARS I've had dh sleeping like the dead - I can't even kick him awake and I wake up for a mouse farting.

I hated it, but I'd get lie ins on the weekend and in bad patches dh would make a concerted effort to wake upHmm

The tables have turned now they've started school -I'm not so wakeful and dh is more so, and wakeful nights are usually sudden screaming night terrors rather than wimpering that got me up.

When they were little we did try to do nights on and off, but actually what worked was when I was "at the end of my rope" so at the third waking dh takes over.

Its a horrible stage - but it gets loads better in time.

KatieKaye · 08/11/2014 09:13

I would say exactly the same if the roles were reversed, simply because I am looking at it from the point of one person awake/one person asleep and not putting genders into the equation. IMO it doesn't make any sense to have both people awake in the middle of the night unless it is an emergency.

To say that someone who sleeps deeply "does not bother to wake" makes as much sense as saying a light sleeper "does not bother to sleep deeply".

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 09:15

Good points by everything and flanjabelle

Original poster
startwig1982 · 08/11/2014 09:16

DH does sleep nearest the door and ds even climbs over him to get into our bed! He still doesn't wake! On a weekday I hear ds get up and I usually get to the door before him so he doesn't get the chance to come in. It's just that I would like to make the most of what sleep I can get having a little baby.
Thank you to more recent posters who have made me feel less of a crap parent/wife.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 09:19

Does he give you a lie in?

If not i would adopt the aforementioned "kick-snore" technique.

VanitasVanitatum · 08/11/2014 09:19

If you're awake anyway it's not really making much difference to you. It's really hard luck that you are a lighter sleeper than him but it's not his fault.

Original poster
startwig1982 · 08/11/2014 09:21

He took them both down this morning so I could have a shower but no lie in. Plus he called up the stairs twice to see if I was coming down.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 08/11/2014 09:22

If it was a regular occurrence then of course they should take turns. But op said it isn't.

LadyintheRadiator · 08/11/2014 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 09:25

You'Re absolutely not a crap parent/ crap wife.

On the face of it it seems unreasonable to wake your DP if you are already awake. But as part of a pattern its not fair that you have to do all the getting up. I have pushed my DH out of bed before now (he is a foot taller and several stone heavier than I, so that is what sleep deprivation and determination can do)

Metalguru · 08/11/2014 09:25

Can't believe some of these posts! No yanbu to want to share the responsibility of the nights with your DH at weekends. Maybe the way you're trying to do it isn't the best way- I would keep it simple, DH gets to sleep deeply through it all during the week, and while dd is tiny and you (presumably) doing all night feeds, he deals with ds on Friday and Saturday nights. Totally unfair (and illogical) of people saying that the lighter sleeper should deal with it all, being awake/ half asleep not the same as having to get up and deal with a toddler!

My dd3 was such a prolific night feeder and terrible sleeper that for three months DH slept in dd2's room meaning he could deal with dd2 at night if need be, take her downstairs quietly in the morning so I could have a bit of a lie in with dd3 (who only ever wanted to sleep between 6 and 9am grrr!) and also he wasn't disturbed by dd3 waking to feed. It worked for us as a short term thing.

LadyintheRadiator · 08/11/2014 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 09:28

Plus he called up the stairs twice to see if I was coming down

you might have to kill him.

Really. If he gets up with them, go back to bed. Don't get up for a shower until you've had some sleep. "No, i'm not coming down, i'm catching up on a little bit of the sleep I lose by doing ALL the night waking with OUR children.
Fuck off! (Out of earshot of DCS Wink)

diddl · 08/11/2014 09:29

The second time I'd have let your son get into bed with his dad & I'd have gone to his bed.

We were those terrible parents that did anything for a quiet life.

Sometimes all four or us in our bed, sometimes one of us in with one of the kids or they were in together.

Luckily we have a superking & the kids have a double each!