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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being selfish?

79 replies

startwig1982 · 08/11/2014 08:21

Last night wasn't a great night for any of us. Ds(3) was up twice and dd(11weeks) was up once.
Ds first came in at 2.30am so I told him he had to go back to bed and who did he want to put him in bed? He said mummy so fair enough, I went and settled him back in bed. DH, meanwhile, got up and went to the toilet.
Then ds came in again at 4.30am. This time he wanted daddy so I woke DH up and asked him to put ds back in bed. He did but it took him a lot longer as ds plays him up.
I know asking ds who he wants can be pandering to him but as dd is also in our room and I didn't want her woken, it's easier to do this.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning when we're all awake at a reasonable time, dh says to me 'please could you not wake me up in the middle of the night as I was sleeping heavily and I don't want to be disturbed'. Blush He doesn't work weekends and as far as I can tell he just doesn't want to get up with the children during the night especially as I'm already awake. Is it just me or is he being ur and a bit of an arse ?

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 09:31

I know he shouldnt need nannying over this but I would pack a bag for the kids and have it ready for the morning. When the day starts kick Dh out of bed and send him out to the park with the kids. You might have to be firm.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 09:32

Yy diddl

Flywheel · 08/11/2014 09:32

YANBU and your Dh is being selfish. I've had many years of deprived sleep (one disabled child with sleep problems plus two younger). Dh is a heavy sleeper but if I'm having a rough night I give him a nudge so he can take his turn. Just because I am awake does not mean I have the energy or the inclination to get out of bed. Luckily, he's not selfish and is happy to play his part.
Really suprised at a lot of these responses.

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/11/2014 09:33

The calling upstairs for you bit would probably send me over the edge in all honesty.

He should be able to look after the children for the what 45 mins max it takes you to shower,dress and dry your hair?

diddl · 08/11/2014 09:34

i wouldn't have woken him, if I was already awake.

Might have let son do it though!

You do need to make sure you get an uninterrupted lie in at the weekend though.

NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure · 08/11/2014 09:34

When I was breastfeeding I would be the one up in the night, so I would just hand dd over in the morning and stay in bed another hour on my own. Can you do that?

EverythingsRunningAway · 08/11/2014 09:36

Where is the kindness to his wife who pushed a baby out 11 weeks ago and is still providing 100% nourishment and comfort to that new member of the family?

To moan at night about being woken is one thing, but to calmly tell you in the cold light of day that it is your priority to make sure he gets undisturbed sleep (at the fucking weekend!?) while you are up multiple times is actually quite disturbing to me.

My DH was (and is) a similarly deep sleeper. And I did end up doing more than I would have otherwise, because often it was easiest for me. But sometimes getting out of bed again was more trouble than waking him up to do it, and on those occasions he just got on with it.

But if he had given me a little lecture about his right to undisturbed sleep while I was knackered from unbroken sleep, I would have been considering my options.

He is not your boss. Who the fuck does he think he is talking to you like that and dumping all responsibility on your shoulders?

It beggars belief that someone would be so horrible and uncaring towards someone they are supposed to love who is exhausted caring for their children.

whois · 08/11/2014 09:37

It doesn't seem 100% right waking him up if you're already awake, but if r is a heavy sleeper it is 100% not fair that you by default just do everything at night because you're awake.

I think one night on one night off each at the weekend would be best.

KatieKaye · 08/11/2014 09:38

The calling upstairs is definitely unreasonable!
Can you get him to take both DC out this afternoon and go for a nap?

Whippet81 · 08/11/2014 09:38

To be honest of I'm already up I wouldn't wake DP up - I only wake him if I need two of us.

DP has DS whilst I have a couple of hours early on and then I do the night of needed. You can get very tied up on 'fairness' but to be honest I'm on maternity leave and DP is back at work and I can't see the point in two people suffering.

Mrscaindingle · 08/11/2014 09:38

I am also a bit Shock at some of these replies, sometimes its like the 1950's on here.
If it was a one off you may be a little bit unreasonable but if it is part of a pattern ie he rarely wakes up then no YANBU to wake him up to do his turn . My ex often needed a nudge ( or a kick) to get up being a 'deep' sleeper but confessed a few years later that he was often feigning sleep so that I'd get up. DS1 was a bit of a horror in that regard for pretty much the first 3 years.

Sleep deprivation is horrible and does take its toll on your relationship but you are most DNBU to ask him to take his turn.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/11/2014 09:42

Pulling the hairs under his arms might work.
But you need to quickly feign sleep so as not to be rumbled (and hide this thread from him)

3littlefrogs · 08/11/2014 09:47

He is being selfish to not let you have a lie in.
I totally understand about sleeping deeply, and I wouldn't wake DH if I was awake anyway. BUT - he always got up early at the weekend and took baby and toddler out for a long walk to get the paper/bread/milk whatever, and kept them out as long as possible so I could catch up on sleep.

That is the very least your DH should be doing.

It is normal for the older DC to get up at night when the new baby arrives.
We used to put a couple of duvets on the floor beside the bed and let them climb in there, or just get in with us. It doesn't last forever.

soundevenfruity · 08/11/2014 09:47

I wouldn't wake him up but I would fully expect home to take care of the kids for the majority of the following day.

soundevenfruity · 08/11/2014 09:48

Home = him

EverythingsRunningAway · 08/11/2014 09:48

He took them both down this morning so I could have a shower but no lie in. Plus he called up the stairs twice to see if I was coming down.

What?

How did he reply when you told him to fuck off and that you didn't want to be disturbed?

So he tells you not to ever disturb him at night and care for your children by yourself, and then in the morning he orders you downstairs?

He really doesn't sound nice at all.

RunByFruiting · 08/11/2014 09:48

My reply is based on what works in my relationship; pregnant wife who sleeps like the dead (odd as used to be an insomniac!) & husband who wakes up if a moth coughs.

Pregnant wife gets a full nights sleep & gets up at 6am with the 2 toddlers.
Light sleeper husband gets up in the night if toddlers wake & gets a lie in until 9am.

Husband does the bulk of the night feeds when baby arrives to give wife a break as he feels she has a harder day sahm-ing than his working day.

Everyone is happy, no resentment or snippy late night rows due to sleep depravation. How very 1950's of us.

Hope you have a restful day OP! Didn't mean to make you feel like a crap mum was just replying with what would happen in our home.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/11/2014 09:54

Why was he calling to see when you were coming down? Can't he manage his own kids for half an hour?

I would make a deal with him, and say fine I won't wake you up, but at the weekends he must get up with them and take them downstairs and keep things as quiet as possible for at least 2 hours while you get some undisturbed sleep.

If he won't do that, then the whole 'oh but I don't wake' is just an excuse and he's actually being a git and thinking he can get out of the hard parts of parenting.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/11/2014 09:55

I think. You also have to weigh it up sometimes. I have a very heavy sleeper. The energy and time it would take to wake him and ensure he stays awake (he can sleep stood up on trains and buses ffs) is far more than. The five seconds it takes to chuck a kid back go bed and would ensure in was well and truly awake and unable to go back to sleep.

It's not always worth the effort

EverythingsRunningAway · 08/11/2014 09:56

There are obviously lots of ways to be kind to one another and for a man to take care of his family when his wife has just had a baby.

The thing that makes this dodgy is that it's entirely one sided. The person who got most sleep is barking at the other to come downstairs.

No allowances are being made for her tiredness, just an order that his sleep is a priority and must be treated as such. Hers, not worth any consideration at all.

If you were having a lie in this morning, startwig to compensate for you broken sleep last night, you wouldn't even have been awake to post this thread.

Hoggle246 · 08/11/2014 09:57

startwig YANBU. My dh sleeps very deeply and when ds was night waking there were some nights when I really couldn't bear the thought of dragging myself out of bed again. I didn't do it often but just because dh slept deeply didn't mean I should suffer in silence if it was a particularly tough night. They are both of your children and the fact that dc2 is still so young you will of course need extra help!

I did all feedings during the week when dh working and he did them all at the weekend (ds bottle fed so easier for this to work I do realise). I still woke when ds woke because how can you not when your baby is crying ? but it was such a relief to not have to get up. And made the weeks easier to manage.

Agree that your son probably shouldn't get a choice of who puts him back to bed but that's your business and I'm sure there are plenty of things I do for a quiet life that others wouldn't! Atm ds comes into our bed every morning at 4.30 on the dot. Not ideal but I'd rather he got the extra 2 hours sleep than stayed shouting in his cot for a cuddle.

Cake for you!

RabbitOfNegativeEuphoria · 08/11/2014 09:59

If your DH doesn't wake up in the night (as mine didn't) and you do (as I did) then it makes sense for you to deal with things unless it becomes a 2 person job (projectile vomiting, both kids kicking off, that sort of thing). This is how it worked for DH and me. BUT - and it's a huge but - he did ALL the early mornings. Because he had uninterrupted nights of sleep whereas I slept very lightly, always on a hair trigger to deal with incidents. This meant that in the week, if it was a 5 o clock wake up (which happened a lot with DD1) - he did it. While I was still feeding her, I'd feed her then he'd take her downstairs if she wasn't going back to sleep. Once she wasn't being BF, he would just whisk her off without me even having to wait. The early mornings lasted a LOT longer than the disrupted nights and I know I got the best of the deal. Because I like a lie in, me, and I don't mind waking up at 2 or 4 if I know I can still have more sleep. But he thinks he got the best deal because he doesn't like his sleep being interrupted. So there is no resentment either side, which is great.

diddl · 08/11/2014 09:59

i do agree that he's got a bloody nerve asking you not to wake him when you can't even have a shower in peace, let alone a lie in.

MillionToOneChances · 08/11/2014 10:05

Plus he called up the stairs twice to see if I was coming down.

YABU to wake him if you're awake to pander to a child. As pp have said, mornings are your issue. If he's not doing his bit in the night, he must do it in the morning. Anything after 5am is down to him, and woe betide him if he wakes you. Or take a night each, but know that you'll have to be consistent or it'll slide back to him leaving you to it.

IME (I was ill postnatally) I was a very deep sleeper when we had agreed my thenDH was doing all the night wakes and he woke instantly, but literally as soon as the responsibility passed to me - when I was recovered and sleep was less crucial - I woke the instant I was needed and he slept on. IMHO your DH does not feel responsible.

MrsNutella · 08/11/2014 10:09

Op YANBU!
DD is 12 weeks and feeds often through the night. I do my best not to disturb DH so that he gets as good a sleep as possible. In return for that he gets up to DS (22 months)at night and in the morning. DS doesn't wake very often at night but he has his last molars coming in so he has woken a couple of times this week.