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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Uninvited visitors staying over

93 replies

Judo123 · 27/08/2014 17:20

I have parents that live abroad and they normally come to stay for anything from 3 to 6 months. They normally stay with my sister. They are coming again soon (within the next couple of weeks) They have 'told' my sister that they are arriving and will be staying with her. She is distraught as this has been going on for years. They spoke to me and mentioned the fact that they would be staying at my sister's home but expect myself and other family members to 'do their bit' to help them out as they do not want to pay for a hotel.

I am very concerned for my sister as she has tried telling them that it is not possible for her to put up my parents but they have not taken any notice.

When my mother spoke to me on the phone about the matter I remained non-committal and simply listened to what she had to say about her plans for her accommodation. I did not fall into the trap of agreeing to anything I just listened then changed the subject.

What should my sister do?

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 27/08/2014 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 27/08/2014 17:28

Well, I'd advise repeating 'You cannot stay with us; I can find you a hotel', but would that sink in?

If not, then perhaps the nuclear option: tell them firmly that they WILL NOT be staying with her. The door will be locked and she will not answer it to them.

Why is it not possible for them to stay with her/you? [nosy]

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 27/08/2014 17:29

Well, if I was her I would email them (so it's clear, plain and she doesn't have to get into an argument) with the simple message that their plans are not convenient, lock up the house (change all locks if they have keys) and stay somewhere else for the few days before and up to two weeks after they are due to arrive!

GloriousGoosebumps · 27/08/2014 17:35

Why do they choose to stay with your sister rather than you or some other relative?

Original poster

Judo123 · 27/08/2014 17:36

My partner has just come out of hospital with a serious illness so is being seen at home everyday and is in a very slow and difficult recovery so my home is not suitable. Also my family disapprove of my partner and have never met him so it would be pretty uncomfortable and potentially send my partner back into hospital with the stress of it all.

I have no problem with them visiting but staying is not an option with my present situation.

Last year they asked me if they could stay with me this year for a few weeks. I was living alone at the time and had a spare room so agreed but since then my partner has moved in and subsequently become seriously ill.

My parents tried to tell me that I had agreed to 3 months visit but this was untrue as I rent and it goes against my rental agreement.

So my parents intend to stay at my sisters as their main base as they had stayed with her over the years.

They are very thick-skinned and selfish.

My brother has a wife and 3 kids so they will not ask him as he hasn't the room.

My kids have now left home. Hence I was living alone until recently. I keep a spare room for my adult children and my young granddaughter.

My sister has a houseful with her husband and they had up to six family members at their house (some of their kids have left home but return for visits etc).

I don't know how to advise my sister. She can't take any more.

OP posts:

Optimist1 · 27/08/2014 17:41

It sounds as though your sister made an attempt to tell them that it's too much for her, which is why your mother made the comment to you about other family members needing to do their bit.

3-6 months is a very long stay (not that you need me to tell you this, OP). I've heard of this sort of arrangement within a friend's family who are Indian; the expectations are so different from my experience that I don't really feel equipped to offer any advice. Except to suggest that the UK family members should have a bit of a summit meeting to discuss their willingness to accommodate your parents (e.g. you'd be willing to have them for 1 week, your sister could manage 2, your cousin could offer a week and so on) and then get your parents to tailor the length of their trip to the total of the family offers. If they want to stay longer they'll need to make other arrangements for accommodation!

TalcumPowder · 27/08/2014 17:41

They clearly think it's ok, because as far as they are concerned, it has always been the arrangement, and they are proceeding on that basis. Your sister can only be extremely clear - and in an email is a good idea - that this 'arrangement' no longer works for her, and that they will be responsible for finding their own accommodation.

Preciousbane · 27/08/2014 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

atticusclaw · 27/08/2014 17:49

Your sister can only be firm. What else is there to do. If she can't telephone them and be firm she needs to send an email.

"Dear Mum and Dad. My apologies for emailing you but I am finding it difficult to discuss this with you on the telephone since you do not seem to be hearing what I am trying to say to you.

Everyone looks forward to seeing you when you visit and this visit is no different but I'm afraid you cannot stay with me on this occasion. I am happy to help you to find a hotel but a stay of that length is not convenient to me and never will be convenient to me.

Please read this email carefully. I have thought this through. I do not mean to hurt your feelings but in future when you come over to the UK you will need to stay in a hotel.

I know you will understand that this has not been easy for me to say to you because I love you but I will not change my mind.

I am looking forward to seeing you and hope you can understand my position."

Original poster

Judo123 · 27/08/2014 17:51

The worst part is they only told my sister that they intend to arrive 2 days ago and they intend to arrive in the country on 6th September.

I am presently off sick with anxiety related illness due to caring for my very ill partner and am barely coping with my own life and off work since last week. So I don't have any time or energy to devote to their 'sudden' plan to arrive.

They told me earlier in the year that they didn't want to stay with me because they don't agree with my relationship (I won't go into this). Hence they have barely spoken to me this year so I wasn't aware until about last week of any intention of them still coming to England.

I have a very ill partner to care for and I he has health professionals attending to him daily. My spare room also sometimes get used due to this illness disrupting sleep etc. So my home is not a place for guests as even I can barely cope!

They have not give enough notice for anyone to sort anything out. People are also not interested in being made into doormats as we all know how they have treated my sister over the years.

OP posts:

twizzleship · 27/08/2014 17:56

your sis needs to tell them bluntly that they are not staying with her and if they don't make other arrangements they will be physically thrown out of her house if they dare to impose their demands on her. she needs to get tough with them - hard though it is.

also, perhaps you should tell them to hire a caravan for the 3-6 months they stay here each year.......they might start behaving in a more considerate manner once their decisions impact on THEM.

BeachyKeen · 27/08/2014 17:58

When your parents come over, to they contribute their share of money for food, and such?
6 months is crazy, that is pretty much moving over for half a year at a time! At that point, it might make more sense for them to rent a one bed place.

Fairenuff · 27/08/2014 17:58

You and your sister need to learn to say no. Try it. It's liberating.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/08/2014 18:02

3 - 6 months

Your poor sister .

Can you and your siblings unite and make it clear that this is not on and won't be tolerated, strength in numbers and all that?

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/08/2014 18:06

Just say no. And not be there when they arrive.

AMumInScotland · 27/08/2014 18:08

You need to talk to your sister and agree to put up a united front. And then you need to be totally clear with them that this just isn't happening. Offer sugestions if you like, for a hotel, rental properties, caravans, etc, but make it clear that it is their problem, not yours or hers.

rollonthesummer · 27/08/2014 18:13

3-6 months?!

Where do they live the rest of the year? They sound real freeloaders!

Original poster

Judo123 · 27/08/2014 18:13

I am able to say no without any problem. I have never been put in the position my sister has. I have always been the black sheep of the family so I am frequently out of favour with them and don't have any issue with them disliking me for saying no if they ask me to stay suddenly under these circumstances.

They burnt their bridges with me earlier in the year when they were very rude to me about my relationship and told me that they didn't want to stay. I was pleased about that as I can do without the hassle.

The problem is my sister will not stand up for herself enough to be out of favour with them. She tries to be kind but they just take advantage of that.

I don't care what they think of me but it might matter to her even though she is a grown woman. They know which buttons to press with her. I think it is a shame.

I just wish they would take her seriously when she says no.

Being polite does not work. She needs to just tell them straight without the 'kindness' She need to think of herself and her own family for a change.

OP posts:

OnlyLovers · 27/08/2014 18:19

I'd suggest she copies and pastes atticus's email and sends it to them.

Or you send it, but from her email address, if she can't face it. But either way, it definitely sounds as though things need to change!

Sorry about you and your partner's health issues and I hope things improve soon.

Original poster

Judo123 · 27/08/2014 18:40

Thanks very much for the kind wishes and helpful comments.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/08/2014 18:40

If your sister struggles to stand up to your parents, how about her husband does the deed? It is his home too, after all.

juneybean · 27/08/2014 18:41

I think she should move.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2014 18:44

Three months is a totally excessive amount of time to expect to stay with relatives. And six monthis beyond anything anyone should have to tolerate. I agree. She should move with no forwarding address. Or say she is in quarantine. Seriously, it's hard when people are so thick skinned they can't see when they're expecting far too much of their family.

travailtotravel · 27/08/2014 18:49

I have had this with my folks who used to live overseas and every 3 years came back for 3 months. As I was the single one, I got the 'gift'. I am afraid I told them straight that I didn't want them, didn't have the funds to support them and they would need to find their own place - and gave them a list of places. I did not book anything as they probably would have expected me to pay for it too.

I don't see much of them now, funnily enough. But that suits me. Just fine.

I second moving.

Claybury · 27/08/2014 18:58

My sympathies. But it sounds like you have enough to worry about and this is her problem. She just needs to be straight. If it's happening every year definitely !
Can your sister find them a suitable airbnb property nearby ? Or send them the link.

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