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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Uninvited visitors staying over

93 replies

Judo123 · 27/08/2014 17:20

I have parents that live abroad and they normally come to stay for anything from 3 to 6 months. They normally stay with my sister. They are coming again soon (within the next couple of weeks) They have 'told' my sister that they are arriving and will be staying with her. She is distraught as this has been going on for years. They spoke to me and mentioned the fact that they would be staying at my sister's home but expect myself and other family members to 'do their bit' to help them out as they do not want to pay for a hotel.

I am very concerned for my sister as she has tried telling them that it is not possible for her to put up my parents but they have not taken any notice.

When my mother spoke to me on the phone about the matter I remained non-committal and simply listened to what she had to say about her plans for her accommodation. I did not fall into the trap of agreeing to anything I just listened then changed the subject.

What should my sister do?

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/08/2014 15:27

Then you all need to support your Dsis in telling them, No, we dont have space and I do not want my kids to have a disruption.

Those poor kids shouldnt have to give up their own space because their lazy GP's are too tight to fork out money.

Original poster

Judo123 · 28/08/2014 15:29

That is a great idea but they are too selfish to go for that idea. They have an office and workroom etc for hobbies etc in the main house so they would not want to live downstairs in the basic two bed granny flat...they would want to be ustairs in the main house where the rooms have en suite bathrooms etc.

OP posts:

maddening · 28/08/2014 15:30

Send them a link to some properties available on a short term tenancy in your local area.

Original poster

Judo123 · 28/08/2014 17:33

Update. It appears that my oldest daughter is taking them in....just on the phone to my sis as I type!!!!

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/08/2014 17:36

I hope your DD makes it clear its a one off, otherwise, shes gonna be in the position your Dsis is.

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2014 17:45

Does your daughter have the space, patience and funds to accomodate them for 3 months?

FixItUpChappie · 28/08/2014 18:30

OP, my inlaws pull this crap..."visiting" for 3+ months a year to save themselves the cost of accomodation/bills/food. it's put a tremendous strain (irrevicable actually) on our relationship. I finally told them they had to shorten their stays and limit them to 4 weeks at a maximum. this is still too long but it's progress. I'd tell your sister to get it over with and set some boundaries as waiting will only make it worse for all parties. she needs to consider the impact on her own marriage too.

Hissy · 28/08/2014 18:39

if this is going to screw your dd over, you have to step in and fight her corner.

she's not equipped to deal with your parents!

I suggest that you call your dm and tell her that if they stay with your dd, they have to pay (a going rate) for bed and board.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 28/08/2014 18:42

Yy to Hissy - when they were in a "spare" house presumably they catered for themselves etc etc but staying with someone else I expect will be different.

HolyQuadrityDrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/08/2014 18:47

I'm not sure why you thought it was a joke when someone suggested your sis moving, op. If it is such a huge problem that she can't cope mentally with them being there but is bizarrely unable to tell them that than maybe moving someone is an idea. Yes, ridiculous on the surface on it but your sister is not acting like an adult.

Original poster

Judo123 · 28/08/2014 21:01

I am answering several posters at once in this message.

First thanks to all posters for your support and advice. My eldest dd is putting them up. My ds told me on the phone earlier. I have not yet heard this from my dd.

Apparently my folks blew up on the phone with my ds and told her that had made other arrangements.

So they have managed to sucker my dd into it.

She is the closest one to them in the whole family as she is the eldest grandchild and they treat her like a dd.

My dd has the space as she has a 3 bedroom house but has a two year old that uses one bedroom to sleep in and the other as a playroom, plus she has a master bedroom so she must be planning on shifting the toys etc and rigging up some sort of bed in the spare room. I do not know as I have not spoken to her yet.

I think I will just see what transpires. At least the original post is no longer relevant.

The problem is solved for my folks but will be a headache for the rest of us having to deal with the fall-out of the whole fiasco!!!

OP posts:

MirandaGoshawk · 28/08/2014 21:14

Relatives, eh? you can't choose them! Maybe there is other extended family who could put them up for a week or so at a time? But you are all adults.

I know you and your dsis feel guilty at not fulfilling your obligations (as your parents would see it) but it really does sound as if she needs to put her DH & dch first, and the same for you and your DP, before you both become ill and unable to work - your parents wouldn't want you to be ill, would they?

Original poster

Judo123 · 28/08/2014 22:31

MirandaGoshawk

I am already ill and been off sick unable to work with anxiety related illness for the past two weeks.....I am stressed from caring for my dp who has just been released from hospital for a mental breakdown hence I found this forum yesterday and joined to try to get some help as I was at my wits end as to how to help my ds.

Thanks to everyone for your help though....

OP posts:

HansieLove · 28/08/2014 23:47

Let's see. Their daughter does not want them, you do not either, their son got out of it, your son got out of it. I see a pattern. Wonder if they do.

wobblyweebles · 29/08/2014 00:14

I think I would allow them to stay but make it as uncomfortable for them as possible.

FixItUpChappie · 29/08/2014 02:40

Let's see. Their daughter does not want them, you do not either, their son got out of it, your son got out of it. I see a pattern. Wonder if they do.

Why would anyone want them freeloading around and being an imposition for half the year every year? They want respect without giving any.

Fairenuff · 29/08/2014 11:52

The problem has just moved from one family member to another. It's ridiculous. If your dd doesn't want to tell them no then that's up to her but isn't it time to break this 'tradition' now.

rollonthesummer · 29/08/2014 17:30

I really don't think you should let your daughter do this. Does she realise the background and appreciate how long they wish to stay?

Will your parents pay their way or will your DD be out of pocket? I don't think I could sit back and watch my adult children do that and not say anything. Apologies if I've missed the bit where you say your DD lives in a huge house with pots of cash!

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