Uninvited visitors staying over

[Judo123]

I have parents that live abroad and they normally come to stay for anything from 3 to 6 months. They normally stay with my sister. They are coming again soon (within the next couple of weeks) They have 'told' my sister that they are arriving and will be staying with her. She is distraught as this has been going on for years. They spoke to me and mentioned the fact that they would be staying at my sister's home but expect myself and other family members to 'do their bit' to help them out as they do not want to pay for a hotel.

I am very concerned for my sister as she has tried telling them that it is not possible for her to put up my parents but they have not taken any notice.

When my mother spoke to me on the phone about the matter I remained non-committal and simply listened to what she had to say about her plans for her accommodation. I did not fall into the trap of agreeing to anything I just listened then changed the subject.

What should my sister do?

Oh and your dsis should say no to any length of stay this time, break the habit. If they get upset and lose out, remind her they brought this on themselves by not caring about their dd's feelings.

Oh and what they do and do not want to spend money on, or can or can not afford is not your problem or your dsis's, they are adults, not your responsibility, did they move somewhere sunny after living in the uk if all their dcs are here? Then if they can't afford to visit as much as they like, they either don't visit or sell up in their new country and move back - it seems they want the 2 house lifestyle of retired in the sun people, without paying for one of them. They could rent out their other house to pay for a rental in the uk...

Your ds needs to stand up to them - you can support her while she does it but she will have to do it herself.

ZacharyQuack you asked if I could help sort out arrangements for my parents.

I am off work with anxiety related illness due to looking after my partner who has just been released from hospital after being detained after a mental breakdown so I cannot do anything to help anyone right now as I am at breaking point with my own situation....hence looking online for advice...that is how I found this forum by googling for advice as I don't have time to do anything in reality as my hands are full dealing with the extreme trauma in my own relationship and household at present.

Every scrap of physical energy is being expended on adapting things at home to make it better for my parther to settle back to some sort of reality and my mental state is at breaking point with the stress. I have to return to work in a few days so need to focus on my own issues/relationship and household.

Sorry things are rough op.

I think you need to step back from this issue and look after you and your dh. Your ds will have to manage this issue herself.

Where is their country of residence? Is it because of that they have to come back to uk for a certain amount of time?
If that's the case then as others have said they will need to either fund it or return to the uk.

I'd bloody love to sell my house and buy a cheap one in the us then just come back here for 6 months but I'd have nowhere to stay.
Oh yes maybe I'll just grow a thick hide and impose myself on other people.

Ledkr - winter fuel payments? do they still only interest link pensions if you are a UK resident?

Agree, I've had to have a tough conversation with my parents, they have a holiday home in france they want to make their main home now they are retired, all fine. They'd sold up the family home and bought a 1 bed flat near my DB's house, again, perfect for this plan, silly to leave a big family home empty, but now they have decided to rent that flat out rather than leave it empty. Not fine - i've spelt out they can not stay here, DB needs to do the same, so they have been told to do the sums, only rent out the flat if they are happy to book hotels B&Bs when they come back and accept they won't see the DGC all that much if they don't.

They are still 'thinking about it'. It helped that we spelt it out in advance, OP, did your parents move aboard thinking it would be fine to just come and stay with family when they came back, with your Dsis thinking the occasional weekend, not 6 month stretches?

Sounds very stressful for your dsis.

Have you (or your sister) posted about them before? I think I remember a thread about parents wanting to stay at their adult dc's house over winter to avoid paying for accommodation.

What happens with the accommodation where they usually live during that time? Do they rent it out?

Thanks everyone for your replies, support and suggestions.

I should mention that my parents moved away to the other side of the world (A tiny island) They have returned to the place of their birth. They moved to England as teenagers. Myself and my siblings are all English but they are foreign.

There are some cultural reasons that they feel that their children should automatically respect them. This is part of the reason for the problem.

We were all born here so live by the standards of the UK.

They built a massive villa in their homeland with at least 5 bedrooms and at least 4 bathrooms. It includes a 2 bedroom granny flat built under the main villa that they rent out to holiday makers or students. So they have a lovely home of their own. They say they built it so that we can enjoy wonderful sunshine family holidays...but that was their choice.

The reason they put upon my sister so much is the fact that she used to be a two home family herself. She was letting my parents stay in one house for the duration of their visits whilst she stayed in the other main family home with her hubby and kids etc. But when they got rid of the smaller house my parents were very angry with her saying that she got rid of their base in England.

This is the first time they have tried to stay with her in her new (one home) circumstances hence she can't cope!!!!

Oh wow, that puts a different complexion on it! It was their choice to get such a big house where they are, and probably much cheaper than the uk. Do any of you go put there for 3-6 months - I doubt it!

Could they have a smaller house where they live and then have a one bed flat in the uk as well?

I went to the island they were born on about 18 years ago whilst they prepared the land to build the house. My parents were still living and working in England at the time and I was there for 11 weeks. We stayed in a chalet in a family owned hotel on the island. I went again in 2009 to visit and stayed in the actual house. I stayed 3 weeks this time on holiday with my daughter. Those are the only two times I have ever been abroad in my life.

I would like to see some of the world so don't really plan on going there again any time soon.

No we all work full time so couldn't possibly go for that length of time...neither would we want to. We go out of family obligation. It does not really feel like a holiday as the whole island is comprised of extended family members that we don't know.

My parents should not have got rid of their own house in England or they should have a budget to rent when they come to England.

But due to this ridiculous cultural thing they feel we are obligated to put them up!!!

Can't you tell them? Email them and say:

Unfortunately dsis can't put you up when you come to say and she has tried to tell you, but you have ignored her.

She would love to see you though, so when you have arranged your accommodation, let her know so she can sort out a good time to catch up with you both x

IMO, parents should respect their adult children and their lives regardless of culture. Behaving the way they are will cause a rift and make you and your sister even less likely to do what they want. I agree they cannot just rock up with a weeks notice and expect to stay for half a year.

I hope if you both stick to your word that they will not be staying with either of you, they will have no choice but to find alternative accommodation and if necessary shorten their stay.

I did wonder about immigration/residency/tax/ conditions in the UK for such a long stay.

I think it is more likely to be a 3 month stay from what I have learned since my original post.

I am not concerned with the details of their tax or finances...they are big enough and ugly enough to deal with that themselves. I can barely understand my own payslip never mind tax laws.

For the sake of this conversation I am more concerned with the emotional impact on my family rather than what their legal position is. I am sure they know what they are doing as they are British and lived in England since they were teenagers...worked all their lives, raised a family.

When I say six months it is due to the fact that they sometimes stagger the visit ie...my mum turns up on 6th of September and my father puts in an appearance later maybe weeks or months later with maybe an overlap between the two...sometimes they fly here and back separately and it totals six months of disruption. It is not six months in a straightforward way with both arriving and leaving together.

This is common practice amongst their peers...who incidentally do the same thing to their adult kids!!

my parents were very angry with her saying that she got rid of their base in England.

Well, they can get to fuck about that, can't they?

You can talk on here all you like, but nothing will change if nobody says anything.

Your Dsis needs to say that when there were 2 homes it was OK, but now there aren't that it's not going to be possible to accommodate them. Not for that period of time, but at all (in case they cite the staggering thing)

Your sister has to WomanUp and if she needs the support of her siblings, then ALL of you need to back her up. Remember, if one door closes in their faces, your parents will come hammering on someone elses.... YOURS included. If she needs help with the email/phonecall etc, between ALL of you, you can farm it out so that the message is irrefutably delivered.

You owe this to each other to sort this NOW. If they are allowed to do this now they will forever say 'Well it was OK the last time...'

Your sister is not obliged to own a house for your parent's sake. If they want another house/flat in the UK, they need to pay for it like a normal couple.

She'll have to say no. But you can't do it for her, but you can support her afterwards.

Do your parents still have the funds from selling the family home in the UK to buy something else here? They could rent this time and perhaps spend some time househunting with them. Point out to them as much sa they'd like their DCs to have an empty house for them, they don't, so unless your parents are prepared to fund it, one won't arrive. (My suggestion would be for htem to buy something in a holiday destination in the UK, so it can raise an income in the holiday season, but if they wanted to come back to the UK over winter, they'd have an empty house to come back to.)

Your parents culture of birth was one they decided against raising their DCs in, you are born in the UK and so they can't expect you to act like you would have done had they taken the decision to have their family in their home country. House prices here are too high to expect people to keep larger properties than they need for visitors.

Call your Dsis, tell her she can say no. She might just need to hear it from someone else in the family that it's ok to say no.

If she doesn't want to say no, that's her choice. (But I still might raise the idea of buying a UK base to your parents while they are here)

Thanks again for the suggestions. I particularly liked the suggestions of MaryWestmascott. I agree that my parents should buy (or rent) something over here so that they can have a UK base for their extended visits.

However they cite 'being pensioners' as their reason for not being able to afford this.

I think my parents underestimated the cost of building their villa and also the cost of living over their is pretty high compared to here so whilst I can understand their plight I don't agree that they should expect their adult children to bail them out of their own decisions.

They built a massive villa and they are knocking about in it over their whilst occassional rental holiday makers or students downstairs in their granny flat.

I think that in order to get a property over here as well they would need to drastically downsize over their which I think they are loathe to do as they built that dream home after the whole working life saving towards it.

I just think they should have planned for a place here and been more modest over there.

Could all the kids chip in and rent them something for the 3m? - it's not right that they make you do this, but it will save anguish.

rent them a motor home..... :)

I certainly can't afford to help anyone financially. I work full time but relocated over 300 miles a couple of years ago and burnt any savings I had in the process also had periods of unemployment whilst securing employment having had to resign when I relocated.

I now work full time but I incurred debts during my relocation and the cost of doing up my new home and the relocation is all I can manage.

I also have student debts as I graduated with my degree as a mature student in 2010 (That was the reason I was out of England studying and working) hence no funds in my bank I'm afraid.

I have three adult kids that live their own lives.....but I also have a two year old granddaughter to consider so any spare funds go in that direction.

I just think my parents need to face reality and my sister needs to read this thread!!!

I have told her to read it!

Does your Dsis even have the space for them?

TaliZorahVasNormandy

My sister does not have space for them. She lives in a nice three bedroom house. It is sufficient for her family needs or for occassional overnight guests but not for my parents to stay for that length of time.

My parents expect my sister's kids to give up their rooms or stay with other family members (grandparents etc) to make space.

It is just a damned cheek in my view...

their other option is to rent out the main house on the island (with the 5 bedrooms) all year round and live in the granny flat. that will fund their accommodation for their lengthy visits to the uk

Being here for 3-6 months isn't really moving away though is it? A large part of their lives is still here - you and your siblings and they need to face up to the fact that if they want to be here then they need a base here.

Could you all write them a letter explaining this? Jointly so no one sibling gets picked on?