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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Uninvited visitors staying over

93 replies

Judo123 · 27/08/2014 17:20

I have parents that live abroad and they normally come to stay for anything from 3 to 6 months. They normally stay with my sister. They are coming again soon (within the next couple of weeks) They have 'told' my sister that they are arriving and will be staying with her. She is distraught as this has been going on for years. They spoke to me and mentioned the fact that they would be staying at my sister's home but expect myself and other family members to 'do their bit' to help them out as they do not want to pay for a hotel.

I am very concerned for my sister as she has tried telling them that it is not possible for her to put up my parents but they have not taken any notice.

When my mother spoke to me on the phone about the matter I remained non-committal and simply listened to what she had to say about her plans for her accommodation. I did not fall into the trap of agreeing to anything I just listened then changed the subject.

What should my sister do?

OP posts:

MissWing · 27/08/2014 19:08

yikes!You could point out to your sister that experience shows that they respond well to a direct approach and tough love. You were direct, they had a huff and now they are happy to see you. They are showing a monumental lack of consideration and if this is their typical modus operandi then it can't be much fun while they are in residence! Your sister could think about how this is affecting partner and children and be brave so as to not to put strain on them.

All the best to you all, and I hope you and your partner feel better soon.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/08/2014 19:12

I just wish they would take her seriously when she says no

Only she can do that! What made them listen to you and not her? Perhaps you could mentor her in how to say no?

Hissy · 27/08/2014 19:12

if your sister does nothing, nothing will change.

get her agreement to email them on you behalf (ideally from her email address) and tell them NO on the behalf of all the brothers and sisters. send them the link to Booking.com and tell your dsis to be OUT and uncontactable for when they roll up.

they can't keep holding everyone as an emotional hostage.

Hissy · 27/08/2014 19:13

all brothers and sisters MUST act as one, or it'll fall to the poor bastard that doesn't

SuzanneSays · 27/08/2014 19:18

Can they not rent an apartment if they are dating girl such a long period? Maybe you and your sister villa organise this for them?

SuzanneSays · 27/08/2014 19:19

Dating girl?? Should be staying for!!

VSeth · 27/08/2014 19:21

I think you should contact estate agents near to your DSis and ask about 3-6 month rentals, some landlords will consider this but they don't normally advertise, then you or her DH send the details to your parents explaining that your sister can't put them up for 3-6 months and the rental will be much cheaper than a hotel.

Then change your locks and phone number.

ApocalypseNowt · 27/08/2014 19:23

Your sister needs to do the 'broken record' stance.

Send an email saying no they can't stay as it won't be convenient. Any other contact by them to your sister or any other siblings should then be met by exactly the same statement.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2014 19:27

Omg your poor sister and all that burden. She has to keep repeating that they cannot stay at hers, tgey have to find a Hotel. Tell her to go on holiday the week they are due and call the police if tgey break in!

momb · 27/08/2014 19:28

for that length of stay a rental property would be more cost effective than a hotel, give them a base to travel around from and give them their own space.
Have a loo on right move and forward the details to your sister and parents too. Enough is enough!!

momb · 27/08/2014 19:28

look on rightmove hahaha

partialderivative · 27/08/2014 19:34

6 months! Oh my word!

Is there any sort of cultural obligation for any of your siblings to put them up for so long?

I struggled for 2 or 3 days.

Sicaq · 27/08/2014 19:35

I'd class regularly staying in a country for 3-6 months as effectively living there: in which case they ought to either buy or rent their own home.

Or ... Do they live somewhere nice and sunny? As soon as they arrive, bugger off and stay in their home for six months!

Drumsticks99 · 27/08/2014 19:37

Jo help now but you could suggest a house swap for next time? Ithinkthere are websites? Or air bnb?

Original poster

Judo123 · 28/08/2014 05:25

I think she would love to get away from it all but it is not practical to expect a family to up sticks and move house with just much less than two weeks to go before 6th September it is not possible.

Why should she move house to escape my parents anyway? I presume that was a joke.

I think part of the problem is the fact that she has been too soft with them and said that it is okay for my folks to stay overnight but they can't manage for the duration of the stay.

All my folks need to hear is the fact that they can stay at all to take that as permission to 'stay'.

I think it would have been better for her to have just said no....period!!!

OP posts:

slithytove · 28/08/2014 05:33

I think all the suggestions of a rental house were for your parents, not sister.

Original poster

Judo123 · 28/08/2014 06:25

slithtove my parents don't want to spend money on renting a house they are pensioners and do not allow a budget for hotel or accommodation costs when they come to England. They simply focus on their flights and spending money. I don't know if they give my sister money for helping with the costs over the years when they stay with her.

I would imagine they may make some sort of contribution to food etc but I am not privy to that information.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/08/2014 06:40

Well, she needs to sort it if she doesn't want them staying. All the posts on here aren't going to change that. There is no magic formula. She just has to do it or suck it up.

Original poster

Judo123 · 28/08/2014 07:14

Funkyboldribena I understand your point. I suppose I am posting on here because I feel helpless.

I have told her the same as the advice on here but it is going to be up to her in the end.

If she does not put her foot down once and for all she will end up with them staying with her for many weeks and it will be too late to expect sympathy when the chance to speak up is now!!!

OP posts:

ZacharyQuack · 28/08/2014 07:21

If you want to give her practical help, how about researching some other accommodation they could use? B&Bs, rental apartments, holiday cottages, caravans etc. Then help her compose an email to say that it isn't possible to stay with her, but here are some alternate options. If she doesn't speak up, they will continue to do this to her. Yes, they might kick off and it might be unpleasant, but she should think of the unpleasantness as an investment in her future happiness!

Good luck to her, it sounds like a horrible situation that she's ended up in. (and good luck to you and your husband, it sounds like you've got your own stress to deal with)

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 28/08/2014 07:23

Aren't there tax implications for them staying so long?

Their ideas seem to be mismatched to reality; if they came for six weeks and spent a week or so per child/friend then not paying accommodation is probably ok - 3-6 months and it's not.

CerealMom · 28/08/2014 07:43

Does you DSiS have a DH/DP?

Can't imagine my DH would be happy to put DM up for 6 months. The 'discussions' that would cause.

ChasedByBees · 28/08/2014 07:49

She needs to say no - preferably in writing so it can't be mis-remembered and firmly. And soon!

MaryWestmacott · 28/08/2014 07:58

Agree with others, there is no way you can fix this for your dsis at this point, she needs to call or email and say no, they can't stay at her house, they need to make other arrangements, and she won't make those arrangements for them. If they complain re the flights, remind her to say they should have asked her if it was ok to stay before booking anything, it's not her problem.

Once she's done that, you can back her up by saying you think she's right to say no, and that you won't be able to put them up either, and you think they were rather cheeky to just book flights without asking dsis first. But you can only do that after she's said no.

Your db has clearly stated his position, no space, won't accommodate them, you and your dsis need to do the same.

Sicaq · 28/08/2014 07:59

Well, if they don't want to spend money on renting then they cannot stay for months on end. They can visit for a few days - maybe a week - like the rest of us. Why do they think they are so different to everyone else? Why do they believe they deserve such great privilege?

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