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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to visit pils 4 times a day?

94 replies

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 04:47

Pils have dementia, I go in 5 days a week to give them their drugs. Now mil needs medication 4 times a day. I just don't want to do it. They have a carer twice a week who we have to pretend is a cleaner.

Dh works long hours and Sil lives an hour away. I just don't want to do it, I'm not a natural carer.

Just stressing about telling them in the morning.

OP posts:

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 18/06/2014 04:51

I don't think I'd be able to do this either...

What are the options if you don't do it...? Can you present dh and sil with a viable alternative?

ChineseFireball · 18/06/2014 04:58

Can you not get your DH to arrange for a carer to do the meds? Why do you have to pretend the current carer is a cleaner?

I don't think YABU but need a bit more to go on to suggest alternatives!

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 05:03

We have to pretend she's a cleaner because they would refuse help from a carer. I think it's ridiculous and pandering to them. I'm going to do the morning visit so DH can work then I'm going to tell them that I'm not prepared to do it again. It's just too much to expect of one person. I didn't really agree to it.

Feeling quite angry about the whole thing.

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 18/06/2014 05:07

That's a very big ask of anyone, it's got nothing to do with whether you think you are a natural carer or not. Can you talk to her doctor about alternatives for the medication? Expecting a patient with dementia to be taking medication that frequently is pretty silly, and the doctor has obviously not thought about the implications of the family.

Have your family started having discussions about moving them in to care? As sad as it is, if their needs are getting so great that they do need this level of care, then it may need to be what happens.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 18/06/2014 05:12

I agree with Scribbler, medication 4 times a day is getting into full time care territory... Even if they lived right next door to you, having to go 4 times a day without fail basically ties you to them, you could never go anywhere for more than a couple of hours. I don't think this is a reasonable expectation of anyone.

Work out what the options are and talk to your dh.

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 05:16

You're right 4 times a day is too much to ask. I suggested to Sil and dh that a care home was needed. Dh agreed but Sil said they'd be distressed.

4 times a day is only for the next few weeks but twice daily after that.

OP posts:

fatowl · 18/06/2014 05:19

My MIL is in early stage dementia (FIL passed away years ago)

DH works long hours and we live a long way away. SIL lives closer but is not reliable.
Dh has already hinted about moving her in with us. We have the space, and SIL has also mentioned it as a possibility, as she is worried about losing her inheritance if MIL has to go into nursing care eventually.

I will need to have that conversation. I cannot be her carer. I feel sorry for her decline, but I absolutely can't do it. Sorry if that makes me sound like a cow.

MIL is old school, won't allow "strangers" into family stuff. By "strangers" she means anyone except DH and SIL, including me and BIL

This will definitely become an issue for us.

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 05:24

I don't blame you Fatowl it's become unbearable far too quickly. It's making me miserable and resentful.

It's bloody cheeky to expect a relative to do this sort of thing while turning down outside, professional help.

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 18/06/2014 05:24

fatowl If SIL is so concerned about her inheritance perhaps MIL should move in with her and
she should sacrifice her life? Don't do it.

MidniteScribbler · 18/06/2014 05:30

OP, please do try and bear in mind that your PIL expectations are not those they may have if they were of sound mind. They aren't capable of being aware of the effects their actions are having on their family. They're faced with being moved from where they feel safe and comfortable to being moved in to an unfamiliar location, possibly split up, and cared for by strangers. Even elder people without mental health issues struggle with this major change to their life. Please try and separate your anger about this expectation from how you feel about them. It is your DH and SIL that need to step up and take charge now, either by hiring a full time carer or seeking care options.

If it's only for a few weeks that she needs this medication, can you do a combination of visiting, using a carer and DH and SIL doing their share, as long as they use those few weeks to put in place long term strategies for dealing with the situation?

Magnolia1975 · 18/06/2014 05:39

I have watched my FIL suffer with dementia. Its a horrible disease. There is no way we could have cared for him either in his home (he would leave gas on, doors open, lost keys etc) and so was danger to himself. The illness also meant he started becoming aggressive to those around him including DH. He's in a care home that is trained to manage dementia care and is well looked after. I wish you all the best in these difficult times.

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 05:43

I'll be doing dh's share. He is at a crucial point at work, he's doing crazy hours and he doesn't need this aggravation on top of everything else. Sil lives an hour away and will be here twice a week, the carer is on holiday for a fortnight from Monday. The problem with 4 times a day is that even if the carer does her shift I'll still be left with morning and evening, Sil will come down but I'll have to do morning and evening.

No one has suggested Bil comes down and takes a turn funnily enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 05:44

Sorry to hear that Magnolia. Are you happy with the care home?

OP posts:

Rideronthestorm · 18/06/2014 05:45

If they have dementia maybe that's why they are turning down the help of a carer. Ask for advice from the GP, if their thinking is muddled they cannot make an informed decision.

How far away do you live? Does your DH live near enough to go and do it?

Ask for an assessment of their needs.

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 05:47

Do you know who would do an assessment of their needs?

OP posts:

Rideronthestorm · 18/06/2014 05:49

The GP can arrange it. It's done by Health visitors and social workers.

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 05:51

Thank you. The GP has so far only suggested that we look into organising carers for them. No mention of of a needs assessment.

OP posts:

LoveBeingInTheSun · 18/06/2014 05:53

You can't make them go into a home

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 05:55

Making them go into a home isn't really the issue. The issue is them being perfectly happy for me to do a ten mile round trip 4 times a day.

OP posts:

Rideronthestorm · 18/06/2014 06:01

The issue really is the GP expecting you to do it. They aren't thinking logically.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/06/2014 06:01

YANBU

Eastpoint · 18/06/2014 06:04

If you do end up having to give MIL her medication can you get a cleaner for that fortnight? Online food shopping too if you don't normally. I know the bigger issue is how your DH & SIL plan their care of their parents but if they are going to rely on you for a fortnight you need to ensure your life is as easy as possible during that period. Had your PILs sorted out Powers of Attorney before they became this unwell?

Mothergothel1111 · 18/06/2014 06:07

I wouldn't't do it. They need outside help, they would have to accept that.

Greydog · 18/06/2014 06:11

You can't do it. It will make you ill. I have seen this with my mum, who nearly drove my sil into a nervous breakdown. She refused help from me as I wasn't sympathetic. We had to make a fuss to get anything done. Just don't do this

ChineseFireball · 18/06/2014 06:33

I agree with the PP who recommended a needs assessment arranged via GP (I think SS can do it too). 4 times daily is a huge ask. Your DH and SIL need to start looking at practical options for ongoing care because, in the nicest possible way, and as you already know, it's not going to get better.

A note of caution from someone who got caught up doing more than I could really manage...saying no earlier is better than saying it later. You need to be clear about the amount of support you are prepared and able (physically and emotionally) to offer, to yourself and to your ILs.

I hope you manage to find a solution that works for as many of you as possible.

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