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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to visit pils 4 times a day?

94 replies

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 04:47

Pils have dementia, I go in 5 days a week to give them their drugs. Now mil needs medication 4 times a day. I just don't want to do it. They have a carer twice a week who we have to pretend is a cleaner.

Dh works long hours and Sil lives an hour away. I just don't want to do it, I'm not a natural carer.

Just stressing about telling them in the morning.

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 18/06/2014 08:03

I'd ask the GP if he can arrange for the district nurse to go in and do the drops a couple of times a day and you and your Dh do a morning and evening one each. If it's long term then residential care is going to be something you should look into. SIL is being unreasonable to think you can do this long term as they might become upset at a move. Moving is upsetting/stressful for just about everyone but in the long run it's for their own safety and they will settle.

littlegreengloworm · 18/06/2014 08:05

I think it's wrong of em to expect you. I can't believe they (ESP dh) except you to do this. That's why you are angry.

CharmQuark · 18/06/2014 08:06

OP, I agree all these round trips are too much to expect and I think the family as a whole need to explore proper support and fast.

But I think telling PIL 'no' today is not the right way to go about it. They are not in a position to do anything to help themselves, it is the family and the GP you need to say no to. Also if her sight has already deteriorated due to lack of drops it is not reasonable to out her at risk of blindness.

I would call the GP surgery and say it is an emergency and you simply cannot do it, and they need to organise a HV immediately. But do keep doing it in the meantime. I know it is horrible and an imposition, but it sounds crucial.

Do they get attendance allowance? They should both be entitled to attendance allowance for regular careers to visit, and I think it is fair that you insist to DH, SIL and your ILS that that is used and out in place.

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 08:13

We're in the process of completing the attendance allowance forms. For 3 intelligent people we're finding it rather tricky. Not least where to send the bloody thing. I won't be abandoning them today but I will be having a chat with Sil and dh today to insist on a proper care package .

OP posts:

indigo18 · 18/06/2014 08:24

Not a chat. A full discussion. You have my utmost sympathy here. Sister in law will have to be told that if she refuses a care home, she must step up so that you get your life back. There are homes that take couples, and they will soon need care round the clock, which is not going to be you. Do DH and SIL have powers of attorney?
Be calm and helpful, but state your stance and it sounds as though you and DH are united, which helps.

Hakluyt · 18/06/2014 08:28

Mrs Statham- ring the GP, the social services and their local Age Concern before you talk to dh and sil. Find out exactly what's available.

If you don't, the discussion just be about hypotheticals, and will get nowhere.

thebodylovesspring · 18/06/2014 08:30

Agree with the ^^ posts and just wanted to add my support op. Of course this is too much for anyone unless they genuinely didn't mind.

Don't be railroaded.

Original poster

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 08:32

Yes, they have LPA's for both of them.

OP posts:

Chunderella · 18/06/2014 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 18/06/2014 08:37

I agree with others, if you worked or lived further away then other options would have been found so expecting you to do it because you are near is unreasonable especially as they aren't even your parents and they will get worse.
Could they manage a nomad for medication? You usually arrange these with the GP and pharmacy and then someone could phone them and remind them to take the tablets for that time and day. If they can't manage a nomad they sound incapable of living alone.
I agree with getting a SW assessment and setting a maximum number of times a day you are prepared to visit which may not even be once a day.
SIL shouldn't be able to veto a care home if she isn't willing to do the caring herself.
Many patients with dementia do refuse outside help and try and guilt trip family into doing it all but often its because their illness gives them no insight into how much their family are doing and empathy tends to vanish when you have dementia and many people do become more selfish.
I'd be looking for a busy job with long hours to get out of it like your husband has. It's unfair of him and his sister to dump this on you.

2rebecca · 18/06/2014 08:40

Have just seen it's for eyedrops. District nurses will visit to give eyedrops.

Christelle2207 · 18/06/2014 08:44

As an interim quick fix until you sort something else out is there any mileage in getting neighbours to help with the drops?

cozietoesie · 18/06/2014 08:44

Many people simply won't acknowledge that this will now be forever - or at least the foreseeable future. It's not going to be a one off week (which you might wish to manage) but day in and day out, for months and years - so no more holidays or breaks if you or your DH are the main carers, no more evenings out without worrying. Never even knowing whether the next phone call is going to announce a cirisis which would require your attendance immediately! And so on.

It's not possible for you or at least without driving you to breakdown and it could be for 10,15, 20 years or whatever until there is no option but to put one or both of the PILs into a residential placement - maybe because your own health is failing through the stress.

A full sit down discussion is needed with concentration on the practicalities. It's very difficult for all concerned.

DartmoorDoughnut · 18/06/2014 08:48

District nurses won't visit to give eyedrops as far as I know, they're too busy and too over stretched to go around giving medications ... my GP recently prescribed a machine/dispenser to help a patient use her eyedrops but she is mentally with it just can't cope with the bottle because of her hands (94 years old).

Could try giving Care Direct a call as well as Social Services, no idea of their number as at home not work but a quick google/call to your ILs GP should get it for you.

Good luck and YANBU.

MintyCoolMojito · 18/06/2014 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie · 18/06/2014 09:18

There are so many layers to this sort of situation: love, obligation, guilt, greed (on the odd occasion), sensitivity to others' comments and so on and so on.....

It's not on, though, for people to make any assumptions - even tacit ones - about the OP's ability to care for them. Even if she could, it's not what many people are either expecting or able to cope with at that stage in life: they've gone through the DCs childhood and to be faced with (effectively) more children to look after for ever can put an unconscionable strain on a relationship.

The whole things needs to be properly thrashed out, OP. There's often either an assumption that the 'least apparently busy' person will do it or a 'let's see how it goes and reassess the situation later' - which then stretches for ever and a day until the carer breaks. Explain to your DH and SIL that they should be thinking about what they would do if you weren't around: anything that you can contribute is then icing on the cake. (I'm sorry if that sounds hard-hearted but I think that this is a situation where you have to be intensely practical. It's a life change and not a blip.)

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 18/06/2014 09:45

My DH has 4 brothers and they all have demanding jobs. Somehow it seems that women are expected to be the carers as nobody ever suggested that any of them gave up their careers to look after MIL.
None of their wives (including me!) were willing or able to look after MIL when her dementia worsened so she went into a home which she has lived in for the past 8 years.

To be honest it had been the best thing, and although we won't inherit anything, the peace of mind and quality of family life we have far outweighs getting a few thousand pounds when she dies. She is happy, well looked after and we all agree that she would not have survived for more than a few months if we hadn't taken the decision for residential care.

If I were you OP, I would start looking at suitable homes and get as much help as possible in the meantime. Help the Aged website is useful and you will need to involve your GP and social services to get a care package put in place.

Do not agree to take on the burden (and it is a burden) of visiting 4 times a day. Tell your DH that you won't do it and your SIL needs to do at least one visit per day and so does he. The care needs to be shared equally between you all. It was when my SIL made this exact point that my BILs decided to look at residential care!

TheFuzz · 18/06/2014 09:57

Worth contacting social services too. They do need carers in, full stop !

How bad is the dementia, as others have suggested, leaving cookers on etc. is dangerous ! Care Home may be the best option.

CharmQuark · 18/06/2014 09:58

Attendance allowance forms are indeed tricky. My Mum kept putting 'yes' to things...and say 'well I can do it if I take this incredibly risky and convoluted way of managing and don't actually try and completely finish the task' and I would say 'so the answer to the question is NO!'

Eventually an AgeConcern volunteer came to the house and helped my parents and my SIL fill them in.

AgeConcern can be very very helpful. Give lots of advice and practical help.

Good luck OP, hopefully the District Nurse can step in quickly to do the drops, and other help can be put in placed quickly.

My Mum and Dad have a local quallified carer who comes in at £10 an hour, and is happy to do half hours. I THINK, but may be wrong, that if they get attendacne allowance it shouold be back dated to the date they receive the form. So you may be able to engage a carer straight away and pay for it in the menatime?

Is money an issue?

Though 40 miles of driving every day is a significant petrol cost, anyway.

glasgowstevenagain · 18/06/2014 09:58

The issue is them being perfectly happy for me to do a ten mile round trip 4 times a day.

Suggest to your husband you go there at 8 am and come home at 6-7 pm .....

When his own house turns into an utter tip he may change his tune

SimplyRedHead · 18/06/2014 10:22

Remember that if they receive SS care it will probably be a team of people - not just one.

To expect you to do it on your own isn't fair.

glasgowstevenagain · 18/06/2014 10:25

Hypothetical -

How would you all manage if you worked.

or had broken your leg and could not drive

tanukiton · 18/06/2014 10:39

Joysmum take care

DraggingDownDownDown · 18/06/2014 10:43

The problem is this.... As far as your inlaws, DH and SIL are concerned - the care is sorted BY YOU doing it, therefore they don't have to do anything.

Take a step back and make them do more and I am sure you will suddenly see a shift in what care your inlaws get.

Your SIL sounds nasty - it is not her money to decide what to do with.

Sorry but this situation makes me so mad - we have been through it with my Nan recently and as my Dad had died it was expected that my Mum (ie. the DIL) would do the caring. A big fat NO and then Nan got loads of help in.

Rideronthestorm · 18/06/2014 10:46

A handy tip - tell the PiL that the carers are nurses, that helps.

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