To refuse to visit pils 4 times a day?

[MrsStatham]

Pils have dementia, I go in 5 days a week to give them their drugs. Now mil needs medication 4 times a day. I just don't want to do it. They have a carer twice a week who we have to pretend is a cleaner.

Dh works long hours and Sil lives an hour away. I just don't want to do it, I'm not a natural carer.

Just stressing about telling them in the morning.

Yo cannot do it - it's crazy. And it's not your problem insomuch as your DH and your SIL are making the decisions, not you. If there's no other medication option, your MIL can go into respite care.

This refusal to allow people with dementia to move into care homes because of inheritance worries makes me very cross. It happened to one of my neighbours. Her carers were pleading with her family to move her into a home but they refused. It was verging on abusive tbh

Ring up social services and tell them you need a carer's assessment for you and your DH.

Then tell them you are approaching carer breakdown because you cannot manage the level of care required. (This is the only "key word" that works).

If SIL is making a fuss about her inheritance, tell her she will need to do the caring.

Who is paying for the carer at the moment?

I have been through all this 3 times already. You need to get into the system before you destroy your own health and sanity.

Drugs can be put in blister packs so that a carer/anyone else can prompt the individual to take them. However, in many areas carers are not allowed to give medication - you would have to look into this.

You are faced with an impossible task. Your DH and SIL are being totally unreasonable. Your PIL need an assessment and care package, for which they will have to pay. Your SIL is not entitled to an inheritance at the expense of your physical and mental health.

It is too much. It takes away your life because you can't do anything else except fit your day around it.
They need carers popping in to do it and you need to put your foot down and insist and stop the pretence of cleaners.

Oh and fatowl, please have the conversation now, don't let it drift along until you're scrabbling around under time pressure

Agree with 3liittlefrogs sensible post.

GPs are not interested in who gives medication or when. They prescribe the drugs for the condition and that is it. They may help with a referral for nursing or dementia assessment.

Social services are the people who assess care needs. If you have any money they will put you in touch with agencies who will provide a suitable package for which you will have to pay. There is no way round this, but IMO it is entirely reasonable to expect to pay for a service if you have the means.

It isn't op's SIL who us worried about inheritance, it's another poster.

OP, your SIL is worried about their distress if they move into a home but what does she see as the end game here? I think that the earlier they move, the better they might settle.

Yeah, Mrs. Statham, I think it is time to put your foot down. It's like they're hoping you'll slip into the role of carer. You haven't agreed to that. It's time for everyone to make a plan.

It was our GP who arranged the assessment for my parents, if you have a good GP he/she will help you through.

Their care will have to be paid for and SiL will have to suck it up. As a carer you can ask for an assessment of your needs as well, I had one.

It all helps to get the support the family needs.

Please remember that your PiL are no longer able to make informed decisions and don't blame them for being ill. The people at fault here are your DH and SiL for not taking appropriate action.

Well, perhaps SIL could do weekends (staying over) and DH could do morning and evening every weekday and you do the rest.

Suggest this is all you can cope with and see what they say.

These things are always a great idea when it is some other poor sucker who is doing the stuff.

You need to get them accepting care as they are going to need it in the future
They can have care 4x day and there is a range of electronic stuff to help people with dementia
Such as door alerts if they wander or electronic tablet dispenser
They need an assessment from social services, look online for your area telephone number
Unless they are self funding they would not be eligible for nursing/residential home at this stage
Stand your ground, even a daily visit is very tying

If they need someone to give them meds 4 times a day, then they need someone much closer than 10 miles away! Sorry but they need local easily accessible care = and you are just too far away to do that.
The sooner that assessment and proper care systems are set up the better.

Oops so it is Bill. Sorry OP - am half asleep

My gran refused carers until one day when she fell down the stairs and lay there for nearly 6 hours and then she had to go into a home. It was all pretty awful but I was very cross because it put a terrible strain on my elderly parents who had all the anxiety of trying to care for her. It's extremely selfish of anyone to expect you to pick up the pieces

My FIL's GP sent some people around to do an assessment, as FIL's blood pressure was too high, caused by the stress of MIL at home with Dementia. Luckily FIL and MIL had already made each other Living Wills, and she was taken that very day to stay at a hospital for a few weeks until a place opened in a home near FIL. She was unhappy at first, but she settled in, and good thing FIL's GP arranged this, because MIL got really difficult over the next few months, violent even. She is medicated and ok now though.

Good luck, hope it goes smoothly.

Yes to what 3littlefrogs said. I told the SW I was withdrawing my care as heading towards Carer breakdown and that my GP said I must no longer be involved due to the impact on my health (how gratefel i am to him fir that). Other words to say are that they are both vulnerable adults and currently the absence of appropriate care is a safeguarding issue.

As someone said upthread you need to say No now because sadly it is only going to get worse. I can guarantee if you don't put your foot down now you will regret it and it will end up affecting your health and mental well being.

You are all lovely and very informed. I already pop in once a day to give tablets but 4 times a day is for Eyedrops, mil has an ongoing eye issue which has deteriorated due to her running out of drops and not being able to articulate what was happening. I'm not being unkind but putting Eyedrops in someone else's eye isn't making me feel great.

Obviously it's completely impractical for you to visit 4 times a day unless it's a dire emergency or incredibly short term.

But please remember, everyone in all this talk of putting feet down and refusing that at the centre are two elderly, vulnerable, confused people who need help somehow.

OP- can you talk to their GP, or the social services and find out what's available? Can the "cleaner" change her hours to do the 4 visits a day? Do they have any friends locally who could help out? Is there a Help the aged or a Age Concern centre in their area who might be able to suggest something? I can understand how you don't see this as your responsibility, but someone has to do it, and putting some sort of plan into place earlier rather than later will make everyone's (including your) life easier in the long term. Think of it as a way to let you drop some of the 5 visits a week.

Whatever you do, though, when you're talking to people like social services, don't minimise the difficulties. Budgets are very tight and people perceived as coping will be expected to continue to cope. Any health problems you have for other responsibilities? Big them up.

But do it now. Today. The situation, sadly, will get steadily harder, not easier. And try (it's hard, I know) not to be angry with your PIL. Dementia is hell- for the demeted person as well as everyone else.

could the dr get in the district nurse if they still exist?

Agree with Hakluyt that they are vulnerable and probably scared and that care does need to be put in place and a proper care package makes life hugely better for everyone.

I might have been lucky but once I made it very clear to the SW that I could no longer go on then the care that was needed was provided. Refusing to do it was the key for me, i was on the edge of a breakdown at that point and i would hate for others to get there. Unfortunately my Mother would not accept the care put in place and a new set of problems arose and she is now in residential care but that's another story.

Sometimes people think they are helping when actually they are preventing the person they are trying to help from getting appropriate help.
I think that could be what is happening here.
Your sister in law, husband, brother in law may think that all coming in and doing this stuff is helping. Its not. Its stopping the parents from getting proper care from people who have the skills and training to be able to care for them long term and as their health deteriorates.
what they need to do is make the hard decision to do what is best for the parents. That isnt you doing several daily ten mile trips, it isnt someone doing weekends, etc. It is organising proper care. Your parents in law may well hate it, but sometimes when someone is vulnerableyou need to do what they need even if it isnt what they want.

And if it's eye drops for glaucoma then it is incredibly important that it's done- and done properly.

I agree with Hecate. The longer they postpone getting appropriate care for the ILs, the harder it will be to organise and for your ILs to accept it. Put your foot down and tell them absolutely not. Insist that they arrange for either a paid carer or a home if needed.

Interesting that they are worried about the ILs being distressed, but not about YOU being distressed over this additional responsibility. Your mental health is just as important as theirs. This is too much for you to take on. Say NO and don't budge on it.

They are going to need full time care sooner rather than later as dementia is progressive. You (the family you) are only delaying the inevitable if you get into this routine. Time to face up to the inevitable and put yourselves first, I'm afraid.

And I agree that two people with dementia should not be left on their own! It is dangerous. Its like leaving a couple of toddlers in charge of each other.

You need to be looking at care homes NOW, ready for when the time comes because in my experience that happened suddenly.

We got my FIL a pil dispensing machine. You preload it with all the pills and it's on a timer. If the pils aren't taken within a set time then it texted us to say so and we could then take action.

I really feel for you, we went through this with my FIL.

My advice, set up routines and habit a NOW for the person with dementia so it sticks before the dementia takes too much of them away. We had an account with a local taxi firm and all the drivers knew that when dad told them his old childhood address they were to take him to his current home. We had the pill dispenser, glass board with the weeks events and rubbed out previous days so they knew what day it was, he had a tracker fitted to his walker (agreed with him whilst compis mentis) which was invaluable as he was a wanderer, motion tracking in the flat so we knew he hadn't fallen and sensor on the doors so we knew when he went out which was all monitored online. All these things fitted in with dad's wishes to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible. He'd have been put in a home way before that if we didn't have those things. We were lucky to be able to afford them.

It wasn't pretty to watch. Very quickly, me and the carer weren't enough, he'd wander and put himself in danger. Within months if that he became doubly incontinent and lost his mobility (we tried not to be thankful as that meant he wasn't in danger). Within 2 years of that he was unable to talk or eat solids.

Make the most of them while you have them. My husband is grateful I took care of things but regrets being too wrapped up in work that he didn't spend more time with his dad himself.

It's his funeral today

So sorry JoysMum I hope the funeral isn't too upsetting.