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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to visit pils 4 times a day?

94 replies

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 04:47

Pils have dementia, I go in 5 days a week to give them their drugs. Now mil needs medication 4 times a day. I just don't want to do it. They have a carer twice a week who we have to pretend is a cleaner.

Dh works long hours and Sil lives an hour away. I just don't want to do it, I'm not a natural carer.

Just stressing about telling them in the morning.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 18/06/2014 10:47

I agree. But, in the immediate short term if the eye drops are for glaucoma somebody absolutely has to do them.

cozietoesie · 18/06/2014 10:49

True - but arrangements which were intended to be short term often have a habit of 'sticking'. The OP absolutely has to get this sorted out fast.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 18/06/2014 10:51

I have grandparents who sound very similar. They don't want any outside help (although they now have carers that come in twice a day) and expect their children (my mum and siblings) to do all the running around. Not that they mind but they all work and find the whole thing very stressful. Is not just the medication, it's the trips to hospital, the GP appointments, making sure they're eating, not leaving the gas on etc etc. Its not about making a cuppa and having a chat, caring can be a full time job.

Phone SS, also Age UK can give you advice. You can arrange for carers but they will have to pay for it.

It's all very well your sil saying they'll get distressed moving to a home but what's her alternative?

You need to think about every situation practically, so if they are refusing help ask them how they will manage, same to sil and your DH. And the answer isn't you.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 18/06/2014 10:57

The other thing is, it will get worse. Things won't get better, they may stabilise for a bit but with dementia you don't know how fast it will deteriorate. So your DH and sil and your pil need to come up with workable practical solutions.

BiddyPop · 18/06/2014 11:03

If you are doing 10 miles round trip 4 times a day, that is surely adding up to over an hour driving also?

Lots of good advice already, so just a few thoughts of ideas to throw out to DH and SIL.

Could SIL visit twice a week but stay over those 2 nights, so does night and following morning drops?

Could another "cleaner" be found to help out while carer takes her hols? (And she must be allowed take them!).

Is there a community or district nurse who could do them, even once a day or twice a day on alternate days?

Is there any help available from the PIL's GP or surgery? Do they have any nurse available who could do a home visit, even once a day?

Are there any others living near PIL who are nurses or carers or similar, that DH or SIL might trust, who might be willing to do the drops for 1 part of the day, say morning or night before or after their own work, or around their own family commitments? Even just for the short period that 4xdaily is needed.

A longer term solution is needed when 2xdaily is needed though as well. I presume that it's still drops then too? If that is morning and night, the option of SIL staying over on certain agreed nights may be viable to continue.

It does sound though like they need to consider more structured support. Whether that is accepting a carer coming more frequently to the house (we had carers coming to my DGran 3xdaily for 30 mins each - would remind her to take meds, heat her microwave meals (we'd had to run off gas to cooker) and make a cup of tea before they left, with morning visit including personal care) or having to consider moving into a home. Carers don't need to be staying all day with them - my other DGran's carer would come for 4-6 hours once a week, and eventually getting more frequent, to relieve my aunt still living at home - but aunt could do personal care and meds. DGran living alone had different needs so it was frequent daily visits by carer but shorter visits. Big family in the case of DGran with aunt at home so lots of support, by other DGran alone had not much immediate support (Aunt lived an hour away, as did DH and I, DMum lived 3+ hours away, and Uncle lived an hour away and useless - but Aunt, DH, Dmum and I all did what we could to support her) so she got herself into a bit of a mess and had to go into care in hospital and then long stay bed in the home attached.

It certainly sounds like you need to call a family crisis meeting and talk it out in clear terms with your DH and SIL, tell them exactly what it is they are expecting you to do, and how it is unreasonable, and ask what their plans are to look to the current crisis and ongoing longer term needs.

Both the DCs of PIL need to be in the room for that talk and both need to understand the realities and agree the next steps.

MrsStatham · 18/06/2014 13:36

Just back from the second trip of the day. However as I had a strong word with DH this morning he spoke to Sil who arranged the carer to come in 4 times a day until she goes on holiday. At which point another carer will take over.

I really appreciate all the help and advice.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 18/06/2014 13:40

Fantastic!

Now, arm yourself with all possible information, and make a time for the three of you to sit down and make a plan for the future.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 18/06/2014 14:20

That's great news. Agree with Hakluyt about having a longer talk about future care, POA's if not sorted etc.

3littlefrogs · 18/06/2014 15:35

When you fill in the forms, remember to describe a really bad day - not a good day.
It takes one person about 2 days to complete one form.
Do hard copies. Trying to do it online is futile IME.
You need all their health records, all medication, names and addresses of every consultant or specialist they have ever seen.
I think it is about 30+ pages per applicant.
Keep copies of everything.
Post recorded delivery.
Payment is backdated to the date the form is received.
Just about everyone gets turned down first time, you just re-apply if this happens.
The other thing that is worth doing is applying for a disabled badge for both of them. It is an absolute godsend when trailing them backwards and forwards to GP, hospital, optician, dentist, hearing aid clinic, chiropodist etc. This is also a very long and frustrating process, but worth it in the long run.
Keep several single page copies of GP details, health problems and all medication and named health care professionals and next of kin contact details to hand both in your home and theirs.
It is so useful to be able to provide this to anyone who has to assist in an emergency - paramedics, out of hours GP service, carers etc.

CharmQuark · 18/06/2014 15:44

"he spoke to Sil who arranged the carer to come in 4 times a day until she goes on holiday. At which point another carer will take over. "

Result!

Do persist with the Attendance Allowance forms - it's worth it because it is a significant contribution to iongoing care, and you should get it for both of them.

My parents were accepted first go, thank goodness - and then I found it simple to get a Blue Badge - I think it depnds on your lcoal authority. My LA are terrible for the process of applying for a BB. For my Mum's I just rang up and descrbed her age and various problems, they asked me to send a photo and a form and we got the badge!

3littlefrogs · 18/06/2014 15:53

It took me 10 months to get FIL's blue badge.
Blind, unable to walk, had cancer, a stroke, terribly frail.
They wanted him to present himself in person with all his documents.

When I said I would have to drive him there I asked where we could park.
They said there was disabled parking - for BB holders only...

The person in the council office decided that he wasn't blind enough to qualify. They disagreed with the opinion of the consultant ophthalmologist who had filled in the application form.

Hopefully your local authority will be a bit more helpful OP.
The point is, don't be fobbed off and don't give up.

MammaTJ · 18/06/2014 16:07

Great result. It really is too much for you, you would get no free time.

BiddyPop · 18/06/2014 16:13

Great result from this morning!

But do follow it up with a proper discussion with DH and SIL (and BIL, SIL's DH, if on the scene). You all need to agree the next steps, what to do when a crisis happens, and be on the same hymn sheet for the sake of the PILs - to show them you are thinking of their best interests and to prevent them playing one of their DCs, or CILs (Children IL), off against the others.

Mrsjayy · 18/06/2014 16:50

Thats tough op is there not a home help company you all could get the inlaws cant help being picky they dont get it not fair on you though, if you all employed somebody for the 4 a day would take the pressure off,

Mrsjayy · 18/06/2014 16:51

Oh I should read on thats a great help

CharmQuark · 18/06/2014 20:51

3LittleFrogs- Lambeth by any chance?

When I applied for someone else, application had to be in person, in an office up a flight of steps and no parking within 150m, and payment had to be by postal order and the nearest post office was over a mile away, also on a busy road with no nearby parking.

How much harder could they have made it? And it took weeks and weeks to arrive.

rumbleinthrjungle · 18/06/2014 21:45

What a very stressful situation for you.

It may help with SiL to put the other PoV - I've had three DG go into care homes, two with dementia when they were no longer able to be cared for at home, and one who made his own decision when he was no longer physically able to be independent. It IS hard, it's a big transition which is very unsettling, but with all three we were surprised to find that once they settled in they noticeably improved physically and emotionally because the stress of managing and being alone dropped away. Two of them were seriously depressed when they went in and the depression lifted within the first few weeks of being there. They enjoyed (and one is still enjoying) the routine, the company, things going on around them, the safety of people popping in and out day and night and there to chat or make the a cup of tea in the early hours if they weren't sleeping.

The staff also aren't emotionally involved the way family is. My DG has people with her all day who are emotionally available to her and not trying to fit care in amongst a lot of other stressful responsibilities as we were when she lived at home, and while she can reduce family members to tears and often does, to the staff, who are lovely, that's just her and they like her for her tough, stroppy character. (Which was always there but has come out ten fold with the dementia). I like for her that she can have positive, fresh people around her who like her and are wholly invested in her as she is now, where we find it so hard to see her like this and must reflect at least some of that back to her.

Wishing you luck in getting some support in place for them Thanks

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 18/06/2014 22:29

Great post rumble.

PrincessBabyCat · 18/06/2014 22:44

No. Don't try and become a carer. FIL came home needing constant attention. I lasted all of 12 hours before telling him we weren't doing it, find somewhere else to stay. He did and everyone involved is happier for it. He made some much needed friends at the nursing home, and we got a break from him.

It's stressful and quite frankly, my baby daughter requires much less attention and diligence. Caring for an elderly person is I would dare say on par with caring for someone with severe SN's with the amount of around the clock care you need to do. You will never get any free time. There's a reason they have professionals do it.

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