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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re this woman coming on holidays

112 replies

Daisymasie · 12/05/2014 11:30

A group of us who have been friends for years are thinking of going away for a week in the sun together. However, one of the group keeps talking about clubs and nightlife and where 'the good bars' are. We're all mid to late forties and the rest of us have absolutely no interest in that kind of holiday - most of us can't remember the last time we were in a nightclub.

We really just want a relaxing holiday chilling by the pool with good books, going out for something nice to eat in the evenings, maybe have a bottle of wine on one or other balcony - that kind of thing.

AWBU to think this woman is being a bit immature and to be regretting we've included her. We've known her for a few years but not as long as each other. We knew she liked a good social life but didn't realise she still associated a 'girls holiday' with clubbing and pubbing.

OP posts:
HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 12/05/2014 11:33

Can you not just make it clear that you are all looking to relax and lay by the pool/sea etc and 100% not up for clubbing and rocking in in the early hours of the morning, but if that's what she wants to do, she can as long as she doesn't disturb those who want a more relaxing time?

KirstyJC · 12/05/2014 11:36

She's not being immature if that's the kind of holiday she likes, but she is being unrealistic if she thinks the rest of you are up for that too and will be in for a shock!

Just tell her, nice and clearly, that you are all looking forward to a quiet restful holiday and you want to make it clear to her that no-one else will be going out to bars/clubs, so to be aware that if she comes then she will be on her own.

Then she can make an informed decision about whether she still wants to go on holiday with you all.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/05/2014 11:50

Just talk to her about it. Be open. Say what you do and don't want.

Then she can choose to come along if she wants to.

Vintagejazz · 12/05/2014 11:51

I'd find that a bit strange in a 40 something woman. Most people do move on from the pub and club scene once they leave their twenties behind them and I'd be very annoyed if someone coming on holidays assumed we'd all still want that kind of thing.
I'd definitely be stressing that you're not interested in going to a Magaluf type resort but are looking for somewhere quiet with some nice restaurants. If she starts huffing and trying to get you all to change your minds, then she is immature.

eurochick · 12/05/2014 11:53

I think everytime she mentions it say something in response like "I plan to be in bed by 10 with a good book" or whatever and she should get the gist.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 12/05/2014 11:57

I don't think she's immature she just enjoys a different type of holiday to you. Just be honest with her say that none of you are planning on going clubbing and then let her decide if she still wants to come. No big deal if you are upfront from the start. She's telling you loud and clear what sort of holiday she wants so just do the same

HecatePropylaea · 12/05/2014 12:19

Just be very clear that you have no intention of doing those things so if that is what she plans to do, she needs to know she will be doing it alone.

And then stick to it.

What you don't do, is go along with it out of some sense of politeness, hate every minute, moan about it to folks afterwards and have a ruined holiday.

So tell her now! While there's time for her to decide she doesn't want to come along! Grin

AMumInScotland · 12/05/2014 12:23

You all need to talk about it now. At the planning stage. There's nothing wrong in her wanting to go clubbing, and there's nothing wrong in wanting to sit and chat over a quiet bottle of wine.

The important thing is to be clear about what you generally plan to do, so if her idea of a good holiday doesn't match anyone else's then she can back out now, before people start collecting deposits and booking tickets.

LettertoHerms · 12/05/2014 12:24

I don't think she's being immature, she has a different idea of a fun holiday.

I think YABU to not explain and regret inviting her. You should make it clear what kind of holiday the rest of you expect, so she can make her own decision to come and have that kind of holiday or not. If you're all saying nothing and secretly tutting it's going to make for unhappiness on all sides when the holiday comes around. Let her know now.

aermingers · 12/05/2014 12:26

To be honest I don't think you sound like very nice people sniping about her behind her back and trying to exclude her.

If anybody is being immature it's you. Just be upfront, you're behaving like a particularly nasty group of 13 year old girls.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/05/2014 12:27

She's going to get the hint when you arrive and don't go out with her! But if you really are anxious she will spoil the relaxed atmosphere then put her in the picture sooner rather than later.

Is this just about the holiday? She wasn't in the core group initially but it's been a while now, I get the feeling you still think of her as the newbie.

unrealhousewife · 12/05/2014 12:29

Excluding her is just being pompous, but being honest with her is being mature.

Burren · 12/05/2014 12:33

You don't need to exclude her, or dub her 'immature' because she likes different things, but if the rest of you know you want an entirely different kind of holiday, it's kindest all round for you to let her know that clubbing will not be on the collective agenda, and that the rest of you will be reading by the pool, eating out, and drinking wine watching the sun set. That gives her the opportunity to pull out and go on her own kind of holiday.

ICanSeeTheSun · 12/05/2014 12:38

Surely with a week long holiday, 1 night out will not hurt.

Did she invite herself along or invited as part of the group.

WilsonFrickett · 12/05/2014 12:39

It is really unkind to dub someone 'immature' behind their back because she likes doing different things to you. If I heard you calling me immature because I still like going out, I would either be very hurt or very rude back to you.

You need to have an open discussion with her before anything is booked. I managed to go away on a weekend with friends last week which was extremely well-behaved by my standards, but I still had fun because we talked about what we did/didn't want to do beforehand.

Original poster
Daisymasie · 12/05/2014 12:44

To be honest I don't think you sound like very nice people sniping about her behind her back and trying to exclude her.

If anybody is being immature it's you. Just be upfront, you're behaving like a particularly nasty group of 13 year old girls."

We haven't been sniping and trying to exclude her. We've been concerned that she seems to have a different idea of how the holiday is going to pan out and have been wondering how to work around that. We have said things like 'oh my clubbing days are over' or 'God I can't remember the last time I stayed out after midnight. Not really my scene anymore' but she just goes 'oh it's time to get your mojo back. This is Let our Hair Down time' etc. which is when we all started saying 'oh God. I wish she wasn't coming'.

We have decided to make it clear that 'sorry, we're really planning to book somewhere quiet and family orientated and won't be going to any nightclub hot spots'. Just wanted to mull it over on here to guage any responses we might get from her and how to handle them tactfully.
It's not that we dislike her. She's good fun at home. Just that on holidays we seem to have very different expectations.

OP posts:
TheBogQueen · 12/05/2014 12:46

she sounds like a laugh

Summerbreezing · 12/05/2014 12:48

Sorry but I think someone in their late forties trying to dragoon a group of friends into having 'her' kind of clubbing, out all night holiday when they've made it clear that's not their thing anymore is being immature. And of course the rest of the group are going to have second thoughts about having invited her and be wondering how to tactfully make it clear that they're not going to go along with her wishes.
That's not sniping and bitching. It's perfectly normal.

Summerbreezing · 12/05/2014 12:49

I don't think she sounds like a laugh. She sounds pushy and annoying.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/05/2014 12:50

Good idea OP. Be nice and inclusive and make it clear you'd love her to come, but you won't be clubbing or 'letting your hair down' in the way she expects.

She's not really listening to you so far, sounds as if you need to really spell it out as kindly as possible.

juneau · 12/05/2014 12:50

Yes, just be upfront about the kind of holiday the rest of you want to book. She may decide not to come when she realises what that is and that it doesn't gel with her idea of a fun time! Each to their own.

ICanSeeTheSun · 12/05/2014 12:51

I would look at where you book, family orientated would be my idea of hell. Excited children by the pools, babies crying at night children getting cranky in restaurants who are not used to staying up at night.

Summerbreezing · 12/05/2014 12:54

I would go for a quiet resort but not one full of young families. You don't want the pool overrun with kids etc.

noddyholder · 12/05/2014 12:55

Why not tell her you are happy for her to do that but you are going to chill!

KatieKaye · 12/05/2014 12:57

Agree she isn't listening and wants the group to do things her way. I'd tell her none of you have a problem with her going to clubs bit she'll be on her own
Oh and I'd pull her up on the whole "this is time to let our hair down' stuff, bcos while that's fine got her she can't dictate to the rest of the group how to spend their holiday.