Re this woman coming on holidays

[Daisymasie]

A group of us who have been friends for years are thinking of going away for a week in the sun together. However, one of the group keeps talking about clubs and nightlife and where 'the good bars' are. We're all mid to late forties and the rest of us have absolutely no interest in that kind of holiday - most of us can't remember the last time we were in a nightclub.

We really just want a relaxing holiday chilling by the pool with good books, going out for something nice to eat in the evenings, maybe have a bottle of wine on one or other balcony - that kind of thing.

AWBU to think this woman is being a bit immature and to be regretting we've included her. We've known her for a few years but not as long as each other. We knew she liked a good social life but didn't realise she still associated a 'girls holiday' with clubbing and pubbing.

It's very immature to assume everyone is going to just adapt to what you want to do. I went on holidays a couple of years ago with a group where one woman was an out all night person and the rest of us just wanted to go for a meal and a stroll and head back to the hotel by midnight. She was constantly huffing and sulking and telling us we were 'being boring' and trying to drag us into pubs full of twenty year olds with music blaring.
So be sure OP that she gets the message and doesn't just go 'yeah yeah,sure' with every intention of trying to pressure everyone when she gets there.

Sorry I meant be sure 'your friend' gets the message.

In that case you're doing your best. Assuming you're splitting the holiday costs equally she can't complain later if you're making it clear now what the holiday holds.

"Why not tell her you are happy for her to do that but you are going to chill!"

We tried that with my friend but it didn't work. She wanted 'the whole gang' to go. Even if this woman agrees in advance that she'll do her own thing at night, I would bet that won't be her attitude when she gets there.
And then someone else in the group will say 'oh let's just go with her for a peaceful life' and then everyone's holiday starts getting ruined.

You need to sit down with her (not all of you or it'll look like you're ganging up on her) and make it clear that clubbing is not on the agenda for the rest of you.

I'm 42 and I still enjoy the occasional night out in pubs/bars (not being in a nightclub in years) and I don't think it makes me immature. I have to admit I now find myself increasingly preferring places where I can hear myself think.

The way to put it is to say you really don't want her to be disappointed with the holiday and to think before she commits to it because you are all agreed on what it is going to involve, and that's different from what she is saying she wants to do. Then tell her none of you want to go clubbing or boozing.

If she does come along and still nags, you just shrug and say you did warn her.

I agree with Denzel, make it very very very clear before you book anything that this is going to be a quiet break and not a wild girls' holiday, and that none of the rest of you are interested in going to clubs or noisy bars or catching the bus into the next town because the nightlife is better there. You really need to preempt any attitude of 'Oh they'll probably change their minds when they get there. They just need a bit of encouragement from me'.

Thanks for all the replies. I think a couple of us will meet her for a drink after work this week and explain that we're not going to be booking the kind of holiday that she imagines and that our idea of a good time genuinely isn't clubbing and karaoke bars and what have you. That we're planning to pack lots of books (or our kindles), find a few nice local restaurants, and spend most of our time at the pool or relaxing on the balcony with a glass (or three) of wine.

Can't you just email her? I think you are making more of it than it is. She might be perfectly happy to have a quiet holiday with books and wine.

I don't know if you have started looking at resorts or places to stay yet.

I think rather than having the outright conversation you just need to stress the need to find a "nice quiet resort" and that "you don't want to stay somewhere with lots of night clubs" or even try to find somewhere that is slightly off the beaten track and say that the "relaxing remoteness" is appealing to you.

Unreal I don't know where you get the impression that I'm 'making more of it' or that she 'might be perfectly happy to have a quiet holiday with books and wine'. Have you not read my posts regarding her remarks.?

rookie I'm not sure that would work. She keeps repeating 'oh c'mon. Girls holiday, of course we're going to be letting our hair down' etc. I really think saying out straight that there will be no late night partying and clubbing, unless she's prepared to go on her own, is the only thing that will get through.

I wouldn't worry. The local pest/beachseller/ageing expat will probably hook up with her on the first or second day, and the rest of you will be left in peace!

LOL Why is Shirley Valentine springing to mind?

Uh-oh. Better have a 'no casual pick-ups brought back to the accommodation' rule, just for her. In fact, I can see the need for a 2 page list of pettifogging rules, just to put her off.

Daisymasie - have you thought of a resort?

If she's unsubtle then maybe you're right - it's best to be unsubtle back. At the end of the day she can hardly force you to go clubbing, but she sounds v. tedious so I wouldn't want to go on holiday with her. How are you friends with her?

Rookie she's a neighbour of one of the women from the original group. Three of us met at college and got friendly with one of the three's sister and two of her friends and we all used to meet up a lot when we were young, free and single. We've kept in touch over the years and about eight years ago this neighbour just sort of became a part of our outings. None of us minded. We're not cliquey and all have other groups of friends and only meet up a few times a year and this neighbour was nice and good fun. She was always happy to meet for meals or a barbecue in someone's house and never pushed to go drinking or anything like that. She was always one of the last to leave, but that didn't bother us, as she'd always go when the last person was ready.

It's just since this holiday's been planned that she's started to become all 'let's get out our party side' and seems convinced it's going to be like a club 18-30 holiday. I thought she was just joking at first, but now it's obvious she's not. We were thinking of going to the North East of Majorca as there are some nice quiet peaceful resorts there.

Be honest and tell her you don't want to go clubbing. It would be unfair of you all to lead her on and for her then to not enjoy her holiday too.

She sounds fun to , go with tbh. Are you sure she's the only one that wants this kind of holiday? Perhaps some of the others do too?
It can work, everyone just does their own thing. In fact that's the only way group holidays work in my experience.

No, she's definitely the only one. As I said, we're all mid to late 40s and none of us are interested in going to night clubs and packed bars where we'll have to shout to be heard and probably stand all night because there's no seats. We used to do that years ago, but not any more.

You'll have to firmly tell her that you mean it, it isn't going to be a party party holiday, but perhaps agree one or two nights out as a compromise. If you make it the first night & get her really pissed she might feel too terrible to want to go out much after that

I'm your age & although I'd be up for maybe one disco (are they still called that?) night, yelling at drunken strangers & bemoaning the fact that I'm too old to be chatted up , I'd much prefer wine, food & conversation with my friends

I'd get the neighbour who originally introduced her (& presumably sees much more of her!) to level with her.

'Look, definitely won't be up for clubbing - you do get that, right?'

& if she keeps on with the 'oh nonsense, they'll want to let their hair down once they get there' neighbour can say 'honestly, not a chance: I've known them all for 20 years longer than you have - it won't be happening'.

Okay, two of us and the friend who is also a neighbour are going to meet her around at the friend's house for a glass of wine later. We've said it's to talk about the holiday as we need to all be clear on what we want before we book anything. Fingers crossed she gets the message, with no offence taken.

x-post raven. She did originally offer to talk to her on her own, but we thought it would be more definite if a couple of us were there to endorse what she was saying.

Sounds my ideal holiday, Daisy. Sun, books, food and a few drinks and early nights.

Make it clear that you will not be happy if she pressurises you when you are away. That if she comes it will be on a no clubbing and no pressurising basis.