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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is being rude?

87 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 10:42

We're off to see my family for Easter (this has been in the plan for a while and DH knows I am excited to go because I've not seen my niece or my brother since Christmas). Admittedly, we see far more of my family than DH's because his live overseas, but I have often urged him to plan a trip to see them and he's never found the time.

So, I'd been saying all day yesterday that we should probably leave around 11 to get there for lunchtime, but I'd check with my brother what time they were eating their main meal. We both woke up really tired. I rang my brother, he said they were eating in the evening though we'd be welcome for lunch, and I suggested we arrive 'a little bit after lunch'.

DH, who listened to the phone call, said as soon as I put the phone down, 'so, around 3?' I said I'd thought more like 2, and he made a face.

He has form for doing this - whatever time I suggest to see my family, he suggests a shorter time. I expect I should learn from this but I already see them fairly infrequently. I wouldn't mind if he raised the issue, but he lets me plan, then gets in his reservations at the last minute.

Who's being rude - me for expecting him to put up with my relatives, or him?

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 10:43

(I know this sounds trivial, it's just annoying me so much, as every time I get into a good mood he has to drag it down by showing that he'd rather not go. Which he always denies.)

OP posts:
Nennypops · 20/04/2014 10:51

Hang on, he hasn't got his reservations in at the last minute here, has he? You've decided you should go there at 2, he's made an alternative suggestion which frankly sounds more sensible than turning up there around 5 hours before the main meal.

Seriously, no matter how much you love your in-laws, spending hours sitting around in their house making conversation really isn't the greatest way to spend a Sunday afternoon. YABU.

Ronmione · 20/04/2014 10:55

Yabu, maybe you should have discussed going and leaving times with your dh before commuting. Could you not have found out eating times before the actual day?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/04/2014 10:58

It's just an hour difference, I'm not seeing why it's rude.

Is there more to it than you're letting on?

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 10:59

If we turned up at 3, we'd eat around 6, 6.30 - their DD is not quite 3 and SIL is 9 months pregnant. I won't get to see them again until after the baby's born. And I've not seen them since Christmas.

I know it is just an alternative suggestion, but it's the kneejerk 'why not a bit later' that annoys me. It feels as if, no matter how much I cut down time we spend with them, he will always suggest a bit less. He was fine with the idea of leaving at 11 and arriving at 12.30, after all.

We hadn't checked meal times before because my brother wasn't answering his phone, and because SIL is pretty much due, so we weren't making firm plans until we knew she wasn't going to be in labour.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 11:00

still - only that he always does it, and it makes me feel as if he's dragging his feet.

It's strange - he will perfectly happily talk about being eager to see DN, and will choose gifts for her with me with every appearance of being eager to see her, then when he comes to it he'll always suggest we go slightly later or leave a bit earlier.

OP posts:
Nennypops · 20/04/2014 11:11

I guess I have some fellow-feeling with your dh because I've been in the position of having to make the duty in-law visits and basically resenting the way they take up time when I have many, many better things to do. And I do actually like my in-laws, it's just that spending hours on a regular basis sitting around in someone else's house making polite conversation is really not an inviting prospect, and if I were tired to start with I'd jump at the chance of putting off the visit by one short hour.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 11:13

So you would feel that seeing in-laws once at Christmas and then again at Easter is just too much?

OP posts:
RedRoom · 20/04/2014 11:14

You are upset because he's not as excited to see them as you are, but they are his relatives through marriage - it's understandable that he isn't as excited as you are at the idea of spending hours and hours with them. For some people, spending five or six hours with their partner's relatives is quite enough.

There is nothing at all stopping you from visiting them alone for an entire day, if you want to.

slartybartfast · 20/04/2014 11:14

is there something on the telly he wanted to see? football?

RedRoom · 20/04/2014 11:16

'It's strange - he will perfectly happily talk about being eager to see DN, and will choose gifts for her with me with every appearance of being eager to see her, then when he comes to it he'll always suggest we go slightly later or leave a bit earlier.'

It's not strange. He likes his niece, he just doesn't want to spend 6-10 non-stop hours with her.

Goblinchild · 20/04/2014 11:16

What's he like when he's actually there and in their company?
That would be the test for me, not the grumps and sighing before hand, which is annoying but not rude. Can he put on a good show?

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 11:17

Dripfeeding there, slarty, you didn't say you only saw your family only at Christmas and Easter, you said you hadn't seen your brother and niece since then - which is not the same thing, unless they are your only family. As you said you see "far more" of your own family than DH's, that doesn't sound like just Christmas and Easter to me.

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 11:19

Sorry, I meant OP, don't know why I said slarty. Easter Blush

Goblinchild · 20/04/2014 11:19

'There is nothing at all stopping you from visiting them alone for an entire day, if you want to.'

And this of course.
I have a couple of relatives I do love, but they are bouncy, noisy and can be a bit earthy on occasion. The sort of people who think Easter rugby with an egg in the lounge is a fun idea.
Which is not OH at all. So I visit and share the stories second-hand. Grin

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 20/04/2014 11:22

Hang on people. Dh isn't seeing them regularly. He last made an effort at Xmas! That's 4mths ago.

This date isn't a surprise. It's been planned, discussed, presents bought. It's not even hastily arranged last minute. He's had drip feed, he's had specifics. The hour is irrelevant. This date has been booked to be spent with them.

He's being a nasty mean spirited child and I'd call him on it. Not today obvs. But as you are unlikely to see them by the sounds of it til august bank holiday as by the sounds of it it's either religious holidays or months apart, bring it up calmly before the next one.

It hurts your feelings that he does this. And next time, make firm arrangements and if they are wishy-washy don't mention it. He had no need to know.

Goblinchild · 20/04/2014 11:24

Have you told him in clear, plain English that he's annoying you, that he's predictable and being a PITA?

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 11:25

red - not sure how 2-8 would be ten hours, but maybe that's just me?

I know I could go see them on my own. I've said that to him. Personally, I think it's pretty sad, if you're married, to want to spend Christmas and Easter alone without your partner. But this isn't the issue. The issue is he'll say he wants to come, let me get excited, then chip away at the amount of time he'd previously agreed to. This happens no matter how much I reduce the amount of time.

slarty - no, there's not.

nenny - I think you meant me when you said slarty? But I'm nopt dripfeeding. I said in my OP I hadn't seen them since Christmas, then I asked you if you felt that would be a reasonable amount to see family. That's what I want to know - would that seem reasonable to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 11:26

goblin -yes. And have done on previous occasions. He always says he's happy to see them and he doesn't mean anything by his comments. Which is more frustrating, because if he came out and said 'I find your family boring and would rather stay at home' or 'I'd like to go, but two hours would suit me nicely,' then I could plan.

OP posts:
Nennypops · 20/04/2014 11:30

No, LRD, you said you hadn't seen brother and niece since Christmas. You implied that you saw the rest of your family more often.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 11:31

Oh, sorry, nenny I missed your other point. We see more of my family than DH's because, his are overseas, and he's never found the time. We've not seen them since we got married in 2010 - that's in fact the only time I've seen them.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2014 11:32

nenny - ah, sorry, I didn't intend to imply that.

As I said in my OP, DH has never made time to see his family, and we've not seen my niece since Christmas.

I would also be interested to know if others would feel Christmas + Easter is a normal number of times to see relatives (or a brother, say)?

Hope that is more clearly phrased.

OP posts:
Nennypops · 20/04/2014 11:34

Got that LRD, and I'm not suggesting there is anything wrong with it. But if he is seeing various members of your family more often than just Christmas and Easter, I can understand his views. Also I'm not suggesting that you should necessarily go on your own, I suspect that what dh wants is time just with you at home.

This doesn't seem like an occasion when he has been stopping you from planning, as he discussed the timing with you immediately after you made the call.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/04/2014 11:35

He's being difficult. And childish.
Yes, it was rude. He's creating an atmos.
It really isn't sociable to keep visits to the minimal possible time just so that relatives don't impede on your chilling out time. Teenagers will turn up for dinner and then piss off because they're immature. Grown adults shouldn't behave like they.
Is he just like this about family stuff? Does he feel that he doesn't have enough control over your social life and so needs To make you feel uncomfortable? It seems a small thing, but it's insidious and pervasive.
I would take a large bite from his Easter egg.
Enjoy your day with family.
Hopefully he's normally super.

Goblinchild · 20/04/2014 11:39

It sounds reasonable to me, but then I'd be suggesting that we for at 10am so that he could grumble that 1pm sounded better.
I've asked OH about things several times, and DD has nipped in and parrotted his response before he'd opened his mouth, because his responses are predictable.
As are mine probably, after all these years.
Is he polite and interested and a good uncle during the visits?