to think DH is being rude?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

We're off to see my family for Easter (this has been in the plan for a while and DH knows I am excited to go because I've not seen my niece or my brother since Christmas). Admittedly, we see far more of my family than DH's because his live overseas, but I have often urged him to plan a trip to see them and he's never found the time.

So, I'd been saying all day yesterday that we should probably leave around 11 to get there for lunchtime, but I'd check with my brother what time they were eating their main meal. We both woke up really tired. I rang my brother, he said they were eating in the evening though we'd be welcome for lunch, and I suggested we arrive 'a little bit after lunch'.

DH, who listened to the phone call, said as soon as I put the phone down, 'so, around 3?' I said I'd thought more like 2, and he made a face.

He has form for doing this - whatever time I suggest to see my family, he suggests a shorter time. I expect I should learn from this but I already see them fairly infrequently. I wouldn't mind if he raised the issue, but he lets me plan, then gets in his reservations at the last minute.

Who's being rude - me for expecting him to put up with my relatives, or him?

I'm gonna fly the man colours on this one. Putting up with in laws can be overly taken for granted, considering how much of a drain it can be.

Do women have an innate capacity to put up with in laws that men don't, do you think? Or is it conditioning for women to put up with more?

I'm a bit biased because I really like my MIL and wish I knew her better, but she lives a long way away and we struggle to communicate without DH translating.

This wasn't about the length of time he spent with your family. This was about him having the last word. Not necessarily a major issue but you'd be pointing it out for what is was if anyone else posted this.

It irritates you for a reason but presumably he's open to a discussion about it ?

I can see that - please don't think I don't appreciate you saying it.

I am not good at spotting relationship issues, especially sexism issues in relationships. Anything I know is from reading it on here, from longer-term or better informed posters.

Anyway. He's open to discussion but he doesn't change, which is what drives me nuts. We've made peace but I feel fairly open eyed about him actually changing anything. But we're in the middle of bigger issues, I guess.

Always easier to have perspective on someone else's issues.

Glad you had a nice day with your family in any event.

It is.

And I hope I'm not an arsehole about other people's issues, which I'm now wondering because people on here are apologizing for/being hesitant about saying things I find useful.

I'm really grateful.

You're overthinking it. Not the issues with DH, but your questioning of your own judgement as a poster. I'm only hesitant because it feels a wee bit more exposed here on AIBU.

Thanks. I was just checking!

And yeah, I do overthink.

Is a woman putting up with in-laws in the scenario you describe? I must have missed that.

I missed Sunny's post, but as a woman in her 50s, and having been with OH for ovr 30 years, I do agree with it, although I might not have phrased it quite as robustly.

'Ok it isn't because he's a man. Just many women I know who have reached 60+ all moan about the same things off their dps and all the women behave the same. And all act later surprised and grumpy.

So, don't be that. That's all I'm saying. You've noticed. So either do something about it or quit whining. But it's only a behaviour that gets worse with age not better. On both sides of gender. This stuff creeps up in couples.'

Something annoys or upsets you, discuss it clearly and academically, not emotionally. Work out a solution. Don't use telepathy or ambiguity or infer things from incomplete data. Set it out and sort it and compromise if necessary. That's both of you, regardless of gender.

I know you have already made the visit but a thought struck me.

You say your DH always does this about visits to your family. When you visit your family do you try to extend your visit?

This is something my DM would do. An invitation to lunch would then be extended to include dinner. To try to restrict this I would always be looking to reduce the visit. DM invites us for lunch (which could well turn into lunch & dinner) I would suggest coffee. We would then compromise on lunch with coffee after. It was very wearing.

Is it possible that you try to extend the treat so your DH tries to reduce it?

I don't think so, gnome, but I will watch out for it, and will also take your advice on, goblin. I'm not particularly into telepathy/silent treatment, but probably do get a bit too emotional.

Anyway, thanks all very much.