to think DH is being rude?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

We're off to see my family for Easter (this has been in the plan for a while and DH knows I am excited to go because I've not seen my niece or my brother since Christmas). Admittedly, we see far more of my family than DH's because his live overseas, but I have often urged him to plan a trip to see them and he's never found the time.

So, I'd been saying all day yesterday that we should probably leave around 11 to get there for lunchtime, but I'd check with my brother what time they were eating their main meal. We both woke up really tired. I rang my brother, he said they were eating in the evening though we'd be welcome for lunch, and I suggested we arrive 'a little bit after lunch'.

DH, who listened to the phone call, said as soon as I put the phone down, 'so, around 3?' I said I'd thought more like 2, and he made a face.

He has form for doing this - whatever time I suggest to see my family, he suggests a shorter time. I expect I should learn from this but I already see them fairly infrequently. I wouldn't mind if he raised the issue, but he lets me plan, then gets in his reservations at the last minute.

Who's being rude - me for expecting him to put up with my relatives, or him?

I'm now trying to think how often we do both see all members of my family. It's tricky because the amount of time has got less and less year to year.

I'd say my parents come to see us maybe twice a year, we go to them once just after Christmas, and we'll probably go up once at some other time.

We might see one of my brothers separately once or twice in the year, too. The other brother we'll see when we visit parents.

So I guess that's maybe 6 family visits over the year?

I also go see family on my own.

I do realize that, since he doesn't see his own family often, this might feel like a lot - but is it? I don't have much perspective on it.

thereal - I would if he had an easter egg.

He does know he's got me down, and he is apologetic ... I'm just grouchy because I can't think when I last saw my family without being in a bad mood because he's 'casually' suggested going later or mentioned some last-minute reason he has to be back earlier.

No, I see my parents several times a week, brother around once a month, sister a couple of times a year, SIL and BIL...weddings and funerals.
We keep in contact in other ways though, still feel like a family.
What you do seems well within the bounds of normal, I think it's a character flaw in him. Can you live with it, that's the question?

It's one hour, how does turning up at 3 rather than 2 create an atmosphere? They'll still have 5 hours to catch up. Usually going out for a meal means turning up around an hour at most beforehand.

I feel a bit divided here.

My MIL is absolutely super, and I love her to bits, but we (all of us, not just me) do run out of conversation quite quickly. DH's sister is very, very prickly so even DH wants to avoid spending any more time with her than necessary. My DSis is plain bonkers, and can be terribly controlling and narcissistic, so my DH is wary of her, but he's fond enough of her.

Is just Christmas and Easter normal? For me, that would be enough, but for a close family, it sounds a little on the deprived side. If my DH expected me to see his family more often than Christmas and Easter, I think I'd feel that he had a point, and at least one visit between Christmas and Easter would be absolutely reasonable.

Would I struggle with a six-hour visit? Yup, to be honest, but OTOH I also understand what you're saying about the continual trying to cut down the time thing - he IS continually being a squeaky wheel, and you're not very demanding in terms of how often this happens, IMO. If you're looking for a range of opinions, here's mine: if you're only seeing your family every few months, seeing them for six hours at a time is not unreasonable, so your DH should really suck it up, in the absence of other explanations which might contextualise his ability to spend six hours in their company. If you were going round there every couple of weeks, I would have every sympathy with your DH as I don't feel it's right to demand that partners have to bond comfortably with your own family. I've never been at ease in family situations, and I would be unhappy with a partner that couldn't accommodate that. But I get that I have to deal with it to a reasonable level.

Sorry, that's a really long post! But it struck a chord!

I live abroad from my family, and rarely see them. Through choice.

I certainly am not interested in allowing DH's mad family to take the place of my own, when I am happily managing to avoid them, by living so far away from them.

I don't think true number of times you see them is at all excessive.

I felt a bit reading your post because I know I do this to DH! It's not that I don't like his family, it's just that I like to how exactly how long we'll be there for. I don't know why I do it. I see now that it must be very annoying!

How about next time you are planning to see them, you talk to him about a time and when he says, 'okay' you say, 'okay that time, or okay when it comes to it you'll want to cut it down by an hour?' This might nark him but at least you can get HIM to agree the time and if he then does this again you can say, 'I asked you about this when we were organising it, remember?'

Oh, I can live with it, goblin, it's just one of the list of 'grrr' moments.

nenny - we're not going out for a meal, and no, usually when we visit family we'd expect to go for a walk and talk DN of SIL's hands for a bit. We're helping cook because she is 9 months pregnant.

It creates an atmosphere because of the cumulative effect of him always suggesting later starts and earlier departures. That's what I've been saying all along. If it were a one off I really wouldn't give a toss about an hour, but it isn't.

mrsS - mmm, yes, ok. I do see where you're coming from. My parents are properly bonkers and can get me quite upset, which I can see isn't fun for him. But generally BIL and SIL and my niece are all pretty easy.

If I was hosting a family evening meal and they were all arriving in the afternoon, then I would find a 3 pm arrival, rather than a 2 am much easier.

It means I can have a relaxed lunch, have time to clear up and not feel under too much pressure. It also leaves plenty of time to spend with the visitors before the evening meal. I think your husband may possibly be marginally more reasonable than you OP.

I think he's isolating you. Not meaning in a 'red flag' way. Just he prefers his own bubble without thinking about anyone else. Fwiw I don't think your seeing family very often really. But maybe he doesn't have to go to. What is it with men? They all do this I notice and gets worse with age. Don't want to go anywhere and don't want you to go either! It's insidious. Make conscious efforts or you will be finding you do less and less apart and see family less and less. Stop accommodating him. I know so many retired couples and the wives all say I didn't see this happening and now I can't change it. (I'm 37) it's their biggest bugbear.

Hmm.
We don't see much of our families. It's pretty evenly split.
A friend of mine has bloody brilliant parents. They do loads for them. They see a fair bit of them. Her DH moans about it. He often doesn't go.
He slags them off a bit. Theres often an atmosphere (created by him imho) when they visit ppl because he wanted to sit on his arse do something else.
I think it's part of him being a cunt tbh. He's a bit disengaged.
But if your dh is otherwise interested in your significant ppl then it sounds like a more forgive able flaw IYSWIM.

Agree with sunny

fire - I see your thinking, but my parents are staying with them anyway, so they will already have visitors.

sunny - yeah, I can see the 'bubble' thing. I don't think it is malicious, but I do feel that by now, he knows it gets me down, and he's heard me offer loads of alternatives, so he might think about it a bit.

YANBU and I think it's sad that when you don't see a great deal of your family, he has to take the shine off it every time.

I do know.

And I take your point about unrealistic expectations.

Men don't. They just live. Seriously. They just don't. If you want stuff, you just gotta do it. I know one couple who haven't been on holiday for ten years. She would like to. But waits for him to make the move on plans hoping he will. He likes spending time in the garden in summer. Doesn't occur to him now to book holidays. She waits. He doesn't notice.

Don't be that eh?

I'm not buying the 'it's because he's a man' thing (sorry).

I take the point about doing stuff. But I'm not waiting for him to make the plans. I made the darn plans, I ran them by him, and he wants to change them.

Gotcha. Thank you.

Thank you, officer. You are very wise.

And one day, it will actually sound as if I am learning from you ... honest ...

Officer

Surely LRD can only get tough with him if she has firm plans?
The plans have already changed once so why can't he make further suggestions?

Well, tbh, if you don't know when they're eating lunch, 3 is more reasonable than 2.