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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have accidentally offended a playground mum

95 replies

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:30

Reasonably friendly with a few of the mums of ds's reception classmates. One of them has a little boy of 2 who is just getting into dinosaurs. My ds has millions of them so I went through ours and found some of the soft type ones that look cute rather than scary so ds has outgrown them really and took those along with a couple of more realistic ones for him.

His mum seemed really pleased and thanked me and then said to one of the other mums "look what Moonface has given me!" And I said "yes the dinosaurs seemed to be breeding in our house and I knew X really liked them so I donated a few!"

Since then she's been really off with me and another playground mum has told me it's because I said "donated" like it was charity. This is honestly not how I meant it at all in any way! I use the term quite a bit without even thinking of about it. For example if I have bought a buy one get one free of something I will often say to my mum "here you are, I've got too many biscuits so Ill donate some to you." Although I suppose put out playground mother does not know this.

There are two sides to the estate and one side is largely housing association and the other is mainly housing that is privately owned. We live on the privately owned side and putout mother lives on the HA side so I feel awful if she thought I was seeing them as needy or something because I really wasn't! I just thought "we have loads of dinosaurs, ds has outgrown a few, maybe X will like them."

So now I feel bad, and I was trying to be kind.

Was I unreasonable or is she BU?

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 01/04/2014 21:34

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I'd be very grateful if someone had donated spare dinosaurs when my Ds was little. It would never have crossed my mind to be offended by it.

FixItUpChappie · 01/04/2014 21:34

She's being quite ridiculous. It was very kind of you to offer them to her. I'd just ask her quietly if anything is bothering her and leave it in her court...what else can you do really?

Gimmesomemore · 01/04/2014 21:35

Yanbu, the other mum is being precious. You sound lovely and thoughtful.

HowContraryMary · 01/04/2014 21:35

Only you know the tone and intonation of your speech.

Different people have different personal tolerances. If your delivery was offensive to that parent, then you were offensive. A different parent wouldn't have taken it as an insult

Dictionary definition - you tell me if the word 'donate' was offensive in the context you used it:

donate
d?(?)?ne?t/Submit
verb
1.
give (money or goods) for a good cause, for example to a charity.
"the proceeds will be donated to an AIDS awareness charity"
synonyms: give, give/make a donation of, make a gift of, contribute, make a contribution of, present, gift, subscribe, hand out, grant, bestow, pledge, put oneself down for, put up, come up with, accord;

ikeaismylocal · 01/04/2014 21:36

I would automatically think of donations being to do with charities, I'd probably feel a bit odd if a friend said they were donating toys or clothes to my children, I think "passing on" is a better term.

She is being a bit unreasonable to be grumpy about it.

wtf1981 · 01/04/2014 21:37

She is being sensitive and somewhat ridiculous. Either let it blow over and carry on as normal or have a quick and quiet word with her to say it really was just a turn of phrase. Not worth your worry!

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:37

Well it was for a good cause - it was a gift to her ds! I literally said it in passing and wouldn't even remember the phrasing I'd used except apparently it's upset her.

OP posts:
elahrairahforprimeminister · 01/04/2014 21:37

Yes, maybe 'donate' was a poor choice of words.

However, she should be able to see that it was a kind thing to do and you only wanted to make her DS happy.

Sounds like she has 'ishoos'.

Upyourbumscum · 01/04/2014 21:38

Next time you see her say 'oh god my mum had a go at me for 'donating' biscuits to her and I said that I had said the same to you re Dino's, she kicked off saying I was rude, I just wanted to check you didn't think the same as her, as the way she took it isn't how I meant it'. Or words to that effect.

mercibucket · 01/04/2014 21:38

imo this is all her and there is nothing you can do. dont try to apologise or explain. you could, possibly, talk about stuff your ds is wearing that a friend gave you, for example, but a bit hard to do that and sound natural

pretend you havent noticed. keep being friendly. invite her ds over/out if they are friends. as she gets to know you, she will realise you meant nothing by it. if your kids dont end up as big friends, then she might not realise, but no big deal

ILoveWooly · 01/04/2014 21:39

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable... she is perhaps a mixture of sensitive and embarrassed and you were well meaning and kind.

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:39

I will make a mental note not to say it to anyone who doesn't know me well!

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 01/04/2014 21:40

Don't feel bad - even if you upset her she is being rude to be off with you.

aermingers · 01/04/2014 21:40

I can understand why she would feel a bit miffed to be honest. I would think about your use of the word donate, it does mean you are giving charity. Why not day 'give' instead? It would be more appropriate. You might use the word outside of it's traditional meaning but other people aren't going to know that when you say it you mean an entirely different thing to what everybody else means when they say it. YABU.

skinnyamericano · 01/04/2014 21:40

I use the word 'donate' in the way you do OP, perhaps you could just have a quiet word to explain how you meant it.

HowContraryMary · 01/04/2014 21:40

By your own description, you live in your own house, she lives in social - you have made the distinction.

FWIW yes I think she's 'touchy' but I really don't know you or the inflections of your speech. ""Donate"" funny word, I can see how she would be upset with Lady Bountiful making her child a charity case. Bust some people live to be professionally offended.

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:41

I don't think I'd be bothered if someone said they were "donating" stuff to me. I'm fact my mother says it...maybe that's where I've had it

OP posts:
aermingers · 01/04/2014 21:41

The actual dictionary definition of donate is charitable giving.

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:43

I only mentioned it because I felt it might be relevant to her reaction.
It might be social housing and privately owned but we're not exactly rich and it isn't millionaire's row.

Looking back I wish I hadn't used the term but I said it without thinking, I felt a bit flustered because she was so effusive. If I'd been thinking sensibly I probably wouldn't have said it.

OP posts:
MoominsYonisAreScary · 01/04/2014 21:44

Shes being ridiculous I think

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:45

I hope that's not how it came across.
I've given plenty of stuff we don't need to friends, friends with more money than us and friends with less money than us. Just simply because we haven't needed and they might use it.

OP posts:
Wuxiapian · 01/04/2014 21:46

Ywnbu.

I "donate" things, too. She's the one with the problem, not you.

MrsCakesPremonition · 01/04/2014 21:46

Was she upset enough to return the toys?
Or just upset enough to take the gift and bitch about you behind your back?

The quotation no good deed goes unpunished seems apt.

Viviennemary · 01/04/2014 21:47

I sometimes use this word if I am getting rid of stuff to a friend in a jokey kind of way. She does sound a bit over sensitive and most people certainly wouldn't have been offended by that.

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:47

She's kept the dinosaurs Smile

OP posts: