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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have accidentally offended a playground mum

95 replies

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:30

Reasonably friendly with a few of the mums of ds's reception classmates. One of them has a little boy of 2 who is just getting into dinosaurs. My ds has millions of them so I went through ours and found some of the soft type ones that look cute rather than scary so ds has outgrown them really and took those along with a couple of more realistic ones for him.

His mum seemed really pleased and thanked me and then said to one of the other mums "look what Moonface has given me!" And I said "yes the dinosaurs seemed to be breeding in our house and I knew X really liked them so I donated a few!"

Since then she's been really off with me and another playground mum has told me it's because I said "donated" like it was charity. This is honestly not how I meant it at all in any way! I use the term quite a bit without even thinking of about it. For example if I have bought a buy one get one free of something I will often say to my mum "here you are, I've got too many biscuits so Ill donate some to you." Although I suppose put out playground mother does not know this.

There are two sides to the estate and one side is largely housing association and the other is mainly housing that is privately owned. We live on the privately owned side and putout mother lives on the HA side so I feel awful if she thought I was seeing them as needy or something because I really wasn't! I just thought "we have loads of dinosaurs, ds has outgrown a few, maybe X will like them."

So now I feel bad, and I was trying to be kind.

Was I unreasonable or is she BU?

OP posts:

justmyview · 02/04/2014 00:34

I wouldn't use "donate" in other conversations to try to show you meant nothing by using the word. I think it could come across as sarcastic / making a point. Better to be natural and friendly. Perhaps make a comment "So glad you liked them, I'd far rather pass them on to a friend than give to charity and have them go to strangers"

alseb · 02/04/2014 03:33

I would not refer to it again with her. Let it go. Life is too short.

Quinteszilla · 02/04/2014 07:43

If you look up the meaning of "donate" in the dictionary you will find that it is a word associated with charitable giving, and if you keep brandishing it about every time you give something, recipients will inevitably get the message that they are charitable or worthy causes.

Why use the word donate at all, unless you are giving to charity?

Why be surprised at all that people take and accept the actual meaning of the word, rather than your "slang"?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/04/2014 07:47

But she IS donating them to a good cause..a wee boy who loves dinosaurs.

Pagwatch · 02/04/2014 07:54

Yes she's probably being over sensitive. And maybe your attempt to be casual about it was awkward - sometimes when we are worried about saying the wrong thing we found clumsy and not ourselves. So maybe you sounded a bit condescending - who knows.
But I would just try and be normal with her and let her get over it. If she is acting out of embarrassment/shame it may just dissipate .

Fwiw I have sounded an arse a couple of times when offering DDs old stuff. I have learnt that a 'could you do me a favour - I'm never going to get round to putting this stuff on eBay and its just hanging around in my way' is the best.
Constructing a point of gratitude makes the exchange feels equal .

missymarmite · 02/04/2014 08:01

She ibu, and over sensitive IMO. Furthermore, her attitude towards those in need must be pretty bad if she is offended by the mere notion of poverty. Needing charity shouldn't be a scourge!

missymarmite · 02/04/2014 08:02

I think I used a bad turn of phrase there, I think she must view poor people badly if she thinks needing charity is something to be ashamed of.

eddielizzard · 02/04/2014 08:10

she's being oversensitive.

i would just leave her be and let her get over it. i wouldn't go out of my way to mend things tbh. you're quite likely to offend her unknowingly again and you'll always be walking on eggshells. it's best if she realises that you mean well and learns to lighten up a bit. if you pander to her oversensitivity it's not going to get better. you may make it worse!

limitedperiodonly · 02/04/2014 09:00

She sounds like hard work.

BTW, while you've got that dictionary handy, look up the definition of 'breeding'. You don't want people thinking you believe toys really can have babies

BetteDavis01 · 02/04/2014 10:24

She is being silly; perhaps if she feels so strongly about it, she should hand back the dinosaurs.

HumphreyCobbler · 02/04/2014 10:30

She is being very silly. I hate it when people choose to 'be offended' at something that was clearly done with good intent. And even if she felt a bit miffed, fancy making it public! That is really terrible behavior.

Lots of people use the word donate in that context.

Topaz25 · 02/04/2014 10:55

I do associate the word donated with charity but I understand accidentally using words out of context. I used to jokingly use the word steal to mean borrow, i.e.: "do you mind if I just steal your pen." I stopped when I started working in retail and realised it could be taken the wrong way! The playground mum must be oversensitive about class or money issues to take it seriously. It's a shame she's now avoiding you rather than talking it through and realising it was a misunderstanding. All you can do is ask her if you have done something to upset her and explain you didn't mean it that way.

whatever5 · 02/04/2014 11:40

I would try to resolve the issue by talking to her about it but ultimately if she is still offended I would just not bother with her in the future. Life is too short to worry about people being massively offended over the use of the word "donate".

tznett · 02/04/2014 11:45

It's a misunderstanding. Just talk to her and say you're sorry it was a bad choice of words, and that's not at all how you meant it.

Kudzugirl · 02/04/2014 11:52

My advice would be to be straight with her. Mention that you've been give the impression that you may have offended her. Explain that the choice of word was inadvertent and you meant nothing by it.

When a third person gets involved (by passing on their views re why or if somebody has been offended by your actions/words) the incident will ALWAYS become muddied and distorted.

If we all addressed things directly with each other there'd be a lot less festering hurt or misinterpretation.

Good luck!

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 02/04/2014 11:53

Saw her this morning and just said, as a wise poster advised, that I hoped her ds was enjoying the toys as I was enjoying having a bit more space and that I was grateful to her for having them.

She seemed ok with me this morning so maybe she's gotten over it or realised I didn't mean anything by it.

I did offer them originally by the way, I didn't foist them on her. I said 'just say if you don't want these but we had some ds has outgrown' and she seemed very keen to have them.

OP posts:

walterwhiteswife · 02/04/2014 11:58

perhaps she was just having an off day?? welcome to the lovely world of playground mum's! !! I find not giving a shit about what people think works for me! ! if thou u have any extra biscuits u can donate them to me! !

cheeseandpineapple · 02/04/2014 12:10

Sounds like it's sorted now OP but in case you're still worried, just keep using the word "donate" on a regular basis around her and she'll get the picture you meant it harmlessly eg "do you have a good banana cake recipe you can donate to me" and such like. She'll probably think you've gone a bit bonkers but at least she'll realise you didn't mean anything negative!

funkybuddah · 02/04/2014 12:15

Yanbu.
The idea if donating and charity clearly pushes her buttons but thst is not your concern. You did a nice thing.

For example dc2 has gone to school today (non uniform) in a very unique bit if clothing that beloved to one of the lsa's dc.
I was friends with her before she worked at school and I get her hand me downs. Dc2 can't wait to show her.

Don't feel bad. I bet get lo is in his element

sezamcgregor · 02/04/2014 12:28

I take freebies all of the time - Never say no to freebies is my best advice to parents.

However, I would feel a bit sad if people said "donate" as I would think that they thought that I needed their charity. I do, I suppose, as it really helps not having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DS etc - but the word "donate" would really knock me for six emotionally.

Coincidently, I'm also on the rented side of a HA estate.

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