I have accidentally offended a playground mum

[Moonfacesmother]

Reasonably friendly with a few of the mums of ds's reception classmates. One of them has a little boy of 2 who is just getting into dinosaurs. My ds has millions of them so I went through ours and found some of the soft type ones that look cute rather than scary so ds has outgrown them really and took those along with a couple of more realistic ones for him.

His mum seemed really pleased and thanked me and then said to one of the other mums "look what Moonface has given me!" And I said "yes the dinosaurs seemed to be breeding in our house and I knew X really liked them so I donated a few!"

Since then she's been really off with me and another playground mum has told me it's because I said "donated" like it was charity. This is honestly not how I meant it at all in any way! I use the term quite a bit without even thinking of about it. For example if I have bought a buy one get one free of something I will often say to my mum "here you are, I've got too many biscuits so Ill donate some to you." Although I suppose put out playground mother does not know this.

There are two sides to the estate and one side is largely housing association and the other is mainly housing that is privately owned. We live on the privately owned side and putout mother lives on the HA side so I feel awful if she thought I was seeing them as needy or something because I really wasn't! I just thought "we have loads of dinosaurs, ds has outgrown a few, maybe X will like them."

So now I feel bad, and I was trying to be kind.

Was I unreasonable or is she BU?

Yes most people at most times would think nothing of it, BOF.

Someone in a dire financial situation who's feeling shit/embarassed/worried sick would think something of it. Maybe this mum was in that situation rather than being chippy or choosing to take offence for no good reason etc.

That's very true, yes, I see what you mean. It's difficult though to bear every eventuality in mind when you're making an off-the-cuff remark.

I agree BOF. OP sounds like a luvverly lady and meant no harm - quite the opposite. But I just felt people were assuming this woman is a PITA/drama queen when it could be a very different story.

Yes, on reflection, you are absolutely right.

Fuck me, this is all very civilised for AIBU

I often use the word donate in the same way as you did. Never thought of it causing offence!

Y.N.B.U. It was good of you to give your D.S dinosaurs away some people are too precious. When I had D.D all the baby's things cot moses basket clothes bath bedding where all given to me. I'm not proud never have been. Nothing is benieth me even though I did have the funds to buy everything new but why look a gift horse in the mouth. The only things I did have to buy was a pram,bottles and someone bought me baby alarms. I am ttc again and I hope if I do fall pregnant people will be just as generous. xx

I probably wouldn't be that impressed if you used the term 'donated' tbh but I wouldn't stop talking to you over it....

What BOF said.

I CBA with nippy people like that.

I wouldn't say anything to make her feel better tbh.

You did nothing wrong.

You can't control anyone else's reactions to your words and deeds. It's a shame she picked you up wrong, but as pps have said, she may have her reasons. I wouldn't say anything about it, you risk blowing it out of proportion. No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

YANBU. She's being oversensitive.

She's being over sensitive.

You tried to do something nice and it was taken in the wrong way. You've told us another example of when she took something very personally too. I think she is someone who feels quite insecure and a bit paranoid (I say that as someone who can also be a bit like this if I am down). Don't berate yourself though, you did nothing wrong, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful person.

I would feel you thought of me as in need of charity, and that you thought I could not afford to buy my own.

Not sure why you keep using the term donate, why not just say "give"? Are you making a point that you are giving away stuff?

Especially if you are regarded "better off", you have to be so careful.

I had a big clear out last year of masses of very beautiful and expensive clothes I can't fit into. I handed them on to a friend's willowy daughter who loved them.

On the other hand I make monthly donations to Oxfam, the CPL and the SSPCA.

Sorry, I know you meant well but it sounds awfully Lady Bountiful. Does the bit in square brackets add anything to what you could have said?

"look what Moonface has given me!" And I said "yes the dinosaurs seemed to be breeding in our house and I knew X really liked them [so I donated a few!]"

I think Caitlin's right - the bit in square brackets adds nothing BUT I could just as easily see myself saying it because not only is a recipient a little embarrassed to receive something, sometimes the 'giver' is also.

I think OP was very kind and the mum should have given her the benefit of the doubt because it was a kind thought and act.

She is being very unreasonable. Op you sound lovely. What a kind thing to do!

If have asked her first if she wanted them, tbh,

Perhaps next time use the word 'share'? ..in a sort of 'thought I'd share them out' type phrase. It implies a more equal relationship and leaves it open for others to share stuff back with you whether it's a packet of hobnobs or the contents of the toy box.

The OP has mentioned the private /social housing divide ( which incidentally is no indicator of anything other than ones got a mortgage and the other hasn't) and that other mum is a sensitive soul, so I think if I really wanted to be kind I'd be mindful of that and I'd be choosing my words with a little more care.

If someone 'donated' items to my DD I'd be ok if it was my sister or someone I was v v close with but if I thought they thought they were a bit above me and that implied they were treating me as a bit of a charity case I'd not like it at all.

I often talk about donating stuff, and I think Lying's comment about embarrassment is why. Donating is my way of saying - I'm not being virtuous or generous, these were just spare. It's me avoiding setting up any expectation of reciprocity.

As regards the recipient, I'd probably just catch her at a quiet moment and ask if I had offended her, and apologise if I had. I think that completely unintended offence is one of the easiest things to apologise for.

"Donate" to me is inappropriate when the items or cash are being given to one person. I would never use donate in that situation. "Donate" is appropriate when the items or money are going into a collective pile to multiple or even unidentified recipients. You "give" if the recipient is known.

Most of the things in my house have been 'donated'. But I am known as the family womble....

Im sure this situation could be easily rectified with some of the previous replies solutions.

What you should do from now on moonface is use the word 'donate' whenever you would normally use 'give' or 'share'. Every...single...time. Then pretend that that's what you thought it meant!
'Ooh, donate us some biscuits'
'Children, donate the toys nicely among yourselves'
'Ill donate you a smacked bottom if you continue to whine' etc etc...

It'll be the new 'hip' word before you know it...