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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have accidentally offended a playground mum

95 replies

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:30

Reasonably friendly with a few of the mums of ds's reception classmates. One of them has a little boy of 2 who is just getting into dinosaurs. My ds has millions of them so I went through ours and found some of the soft type ones that look cute rather than scary so ds has outgrown them really and took those along with a couple of more realistic ones for him.

His mum seemed really pleased and thanked me and then said to one of the other mums "look what Moonface has given me!" And I said "yes the dinosaurs seemed to be breeding in our house and I knew X really liked them so I donated a few!"

Since then she's been really off with me and another playground mum has told me it's because I said "donated" like it was charity. This is honestly not how I meant it at all in any way! I use the term quite a bit without even thinking of about it. For example if I have bought a buy one get one free of something I will often say to my mum "here you are, I've got too many biscuits so Ill donate some to you." Although I suppose put out playground mother does not know this.

There are two sides to the estate and one side is largely housing association and the other is mainly housing that is privately owned. We live on the privately owned side and putout mother lives on the HA side so I feel awful if she thought I was seeing them as needy or something because I really wasn't! I just thought "we have loads of dinosaurs, ds has outgrown a few, maybe X will like them."

So now I feel bad, and I was trying to be kind.

Was I unreasonable or is she BU?

OP posts:

mumminio · 01/04/2014 21:48

She will get over it. She kept them, so can't have been insurmountably offended.

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:49

That's how I said it - well how I meant it! I can't even remember exactly what I said. I know I said the dinosaurs had been breeding, pretty sure I then said the thing about donating a few. It was a light remark.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2014 21:49

She is being petty and ridiculous. You sound lovely and kind

softlysoftly · 01/04/2014 21:50

I think donate is a poor choice of words, maybe she's being sensitive but I would associate that with you feeling all charitable about it.

I would give / gift / pass on stuff but would never "donate"

BOFtastic · 01/04/2014 21:50

She's being a bit of a chippy dick. Forget about it- you did a nice thing.

LaGuardia · 01/04/2014 21:52

I hope she curtsied when accepting your generous donation, m'lady

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 01/04/2014 21:52

You did a lovely thing, she should not be being off with you when it was clear you were doing something nice for her little one

But if someone said they 'donated' something to me I would be upset, I wouldn't show it because that would be rude if someone was just trying to be kind but there is something quite patronising about using that word

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2014 21:52

It's just a word fgs, I would be over tge moon to really know what you had said. As others have said, she can't be that offended as she kept them.

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:53

Sometimes I even say "I haven't got X can you donate a few of yours to me." to someone.

I appreciate she doesn't know me that well though.

OP posts:

PortofinoRevisited · 01/04/2014 21:53

Lordy some people are so up their own arses they can't recognise a kind gesture anymore. This makes me sad.

Comeatmefam · 01/04/2014 21:55

You were being kind. You didn't mean to offend. If I were you I'd stop talking about this completely in RL ie don't explain yourself repeatedly to the other mums. Just let it go.

I do actually feel sorry for her though - I bet you she has some financial worries and/or insecurities about money and your innocent comment triggered something off in her that made her feel shit. Not your fault, but I think we can all afford to be sympathetic towards her.

I've known people with low incomes who won't let their children trick or treat because they don't want people 'gossiping about them out begging'.

FixItUpChappie · 01/04/2014 21:55

some people live to be professionally offended

^^I love this

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:56

I guess I don't use it in the way that it's true meaning is then. I kind of say it quite flippantly.
LaGuardia it wouldn't have mattered who I'd been giving them to I would have likely said the same thing. If any one of my friends had been talking about their dc liking something we had loads of I'd have done the same and taken something for them.

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 01/04/2014 21:57

It may well have been lost to Chinese whispers with the other mum stirring.

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:57

Its true meaning, autocorrect stuck an unneeded apostrophe in!

OP posts:

NoodleOodle · 01/04/2014 21:59

She's being sensitive and you didn't do anything wrong, you were doing something nice. If you wanted to try to make her feel better perhaps find her in the playground and say something like "Thank you SO much for having those dinosaurs, I really didn't know what I was going to do with them. You've done me a GREAT favour. I'm glad your son will get to enjoy them. I didn't want to give them away or sell them as I was a bit emotionally attached to them because DS used to like them so much, but to know that you DS is playing with them now is the best outcome - they would have just ended up cluttering up my attic otherwise."

Or something similar so she doesn't feel like a charity case. Yes, she is being over-sensitive to react as though you feel she's a charity case, but I can understand her side of things too, it can feel very... I don't know, lowly? to feel like you're the poor charity case out of a group of people.

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 21:59

Yes I feel sorry too, I didn't want to make her feel bad in any way. Now I feel a bit awkward about the whole thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 22:02

That's a good idea Noodle. I think that's what I will do. I'll just say I hope her ds is enjoying them as much as my ds did and I'm grateful for her taking them as they were about to take over our house!

The thing is now that ds is growing up and I've accepted we can't have any more I have started quite regularly to give bits and pieces away here and there. It's not like I singled her out! But again, she wouldn't know this.

OP posts:

Comeatmefam · 01/04/2014 22:03

There's not a lot of empathy or walking in another person's shoes on this thread is there?

This was most likely triggering for her and made her feel shit. Why the assumption she's chippy or professionally offended? Maybe just offended at what she perceives as another put down or someone looking down their nose at her or her just feeling fed up with not being able to buy her child new toys? It's quite possible.

(OP as per my post above I don't think you did anything wrong or intended to upset, you sound lovely).

stayanotherday · 01/04/2014 22:03

Yanbu you sound kind.

RayPurchase · 01/04/2014 22:06

It sounds pretty condescending tbh.

RayPurchase · 01/04/2014 22:09

At least you didn't 'gift' them to her I suppose...

BOFtastic · 01/04/2014 22:09

Oh come on, it's a figure of speech! Like you're donating to the "cause" of little boys' insatiable demand for dinosaur shite, in a fellow-parent jokey kind of way. I don't think most people would interpret it literally as giving charity, so I do think it's chippy, yes.

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 22:10

I'm hoping she will forget about it after a little while.
She was a bit off with me previously because I wouldn't sit with her at a children's because she had brought her ds with her and he had chicken pox. I have a low immune system and have never had chicken pox so opted to sit on a different table.
She said "it's not leprosy you know" and went on to tell me he was no longer contagious as it was only contagious before the spots came out. I was fairly sure that wasn't true so still didnt sit with her and she was a bit grumpy about that for a few days!

OP posts:

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 01/04/2014 22:11

I will just say how Im glad to have been able to claim a bit of space back from the dinosaurs!

OP posts:

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