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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That teacher went over and sat with ds at lunchtime

83 replies

bongobaby · 27/03/2014 17:30

Teacher sat down and told ds that his dad came to parents evening (first time ever)and how proud he was of ds and that he misses him. I know he has PR and he is entitled to attend parents evening and have school reports. But the school know of the background between me and ex due to domestic violence. They are also aware that a prohibited steps order is in place due to a discussion with the head who thought this would be good thing to put in place due to concerns flagged up by agencies.
I'm thinking that the teacher should not have done this and it was rather insensitive to of done so and not her place really

OP posts:

WottaTheOdds · 27/03/2014 17:31

How did it make your ds feel?

JeanSeberg · 27/03/2014 17:31

Outrageous behaviour. What will you do?

BitchPeas · 27/03/2014 17:32

Not her place at all.

I would go and speak to the head ASAP and ask for a face to face explanation from the teacher as to why she thought this was appropriate given the history that they are aware of.

niceguy2 · 27/03/2014 17:32

How old is DS and what does the order say?

zipzap · 27/03/2014 17:36

Definitely complain to the teacher and the headteacher, find out why it was done and what steps are going to be taken to ensure that it doesn't happen again!

Original poster

bongobaby · 27/03/2014 17:38

Ds is year six and when he got in from school he was unusually quiet. Asked him as I do if he had a good day and that's when he said what the teacher had said to him.
He said he felt a bit embarrassed because he was sitting with his friend eating lunch.
I can't understand why an earth she thought it was okay to do this, almost like she picked her moment and went for it. My heart is beating out of chest to be honest.

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/03/2014 17:40

Go to the head. That teacher should have her head ripped off if you ask me.

redcatblackcat · 27/03/2014 17:42

i dont see what the problem is?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 27/03/2014 17:42

Absolutely outrageous interference. Agree with PP, go to the head.

Original poster

bongobaby · 27/03/2014 17:45

It was totally inappropriate for her to do this and she should keep her thoughts to herself, she is on a team of pastoral care and should know better. I feel like they are going behind my back. She should of been more considerate of ds feelings at school.

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 27/03/2014 17:45

Redcat, so a teacher takes it upon herself to pass pressurizing/blackmailing messages from a violent man to his son. And you can't see that its not her place to do so?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 27/03/2014 17:47

Really, you need to follow this up. It sounds like she went out of her way to do this. How unsettling for your DS.

Original poster

bongobaby · 27/03/2014 17:49

Redcat this teacher had no place to tell ds this. In my op I have said that the school are aware of domestic violence and at the moment we are being protected by the police and womens aid. It is not right that ds becomes embarrassed at school whilst eating his lunch while a teacher chooses to deliver a sneaky message to him.

OP posts:

Merrylegs · 27/03/2014 17:49

Oh, I am usually 'for' the teacher in possible 'complain' threads, but this is really not great. She was being v unprofessional to 'park' this with your DS with no context, structure or support. YANBU.

Logg1e · 27/03/2014 17:50

I know it's not good enough, but do you not think that the dad was there, told a sob story and how he's not been allowed to talk to his son for three weeks and wants, more than anything, for his son to know just how proud he is of him?

The teacher should know the back story and she should know the Child Protection issues of every child, but she's human and she made a mistake.

That would be my assumption.

2rebecca · 27/03/2014 17:54

Is your ex allowed to send his son letters or communicate with him at all even if he doesn't see him face to face? Has he been violent to his son or just to you? I think the teacher was maybe in a difficult position, I'd worry that if you do get angry with the school over this then your son may see his father as a figure who loves him but is pushed away by his mother and feel that in future he can't tell you about any contact he has with his father because you will get upset and hide stuff from you.
I would tell him that it's nice that his father is proud of him and that he should be because he's a lovely boy but tell him why at the moment you don't want him seeing his dad.

VeryStressedMum · 27/03/2014 17:54

I'm actually quite shocked the teacher would do this given she knows the situation. It wouldn't be acceptable even if she did it in private with your ds. I too think you should follow this up and ask her what on earth she was thinking!

justtoomessy · 27/03/2014 17:57

I would have to say something to the teacher. Totally inappropriate and I can see why your son was embarrassed as I expect the other others would have asked questions when she left.

Original poster

bongobaby · 27/03/2014 17:58

Lodd1e I believe without a shadow of a doubt that of course he fed her that exact sob story. And she swallowed it. But if he has asked her to pass that message onto ds and she did just that then indirectly has he not broken the terms of the non mol in that he cannot make any contact through messages. This is why the teacher should have kept her thoughts to herself. This teacher does know all of the back story as she is on the pastoral care team. I personally spoke to her in regards to the situation to make them aware.

OP posts:

Original poster

bongobaby · 27/03/2014 18:02

Logg1e

OP posts:

Nomama · 27/03/2014 18:02

Take a deep breath...

You need to contact the Head immediately. You need to get them to reiterate to all on the pastoral team that you have protective measure in place and that Dad is legally a persona non grata.

The teacher has made 2 grave errors, one of which she may be unaware of:

Passing on any message from Dad. This is the one she may be unaware of, she may not be in the loop, issue of confidentiality occasionally mean someone doesn't have a piece of information. The Head may need to review their decisions/procedures.

Discussing it in a public place. Unacceptable to do this under any circumstances. She obviously knew there was some issue of no contact and so should not have spoken to your son in front of a friend. But again, she may not have thought it was a bad thing. But it was a daft thing to do.

So talk to the Head and ask them to ensure that this does not happen again. Don't ask for the teacher's head on a plate, she'll probably get handed it anyway. You won't need to be angry to get the Head to act, this is a definite Safeguarding breach and will roll on under its own steam.

So you can concentrate on making DS feel secure again!

Nomama · 27/03/2014 18:04

Xpost. That makes it all the more necessary to go direct to the Head. The teacher does, it seems, need her head handed to her on a plate!

But still, don't get too angry. Look after yourself and DS.

AuntieStella · 27/03/2014 18:05

I suspect (hope?) that the teacher has made a naive mistake. And I really do hope there are no lasting repercussions for DS.

It is important that something like this does not happen again. You need to communicate with the senior management team at the school, explain in words of one syllable why this must not happen, and ask what steps they will put in place to ensure that neither your son, nor any other vulnerable pupil, ends up in such a position again.

I'm sorry that this has fallen on you. Bu I hope it can be put straight now.

Blu · 27/03/2014 18:05

RedCat - it isn't a teacher's role to act as a message-passing go-between a father and a child where there is a prohibited steps order in place - or in any other circs, really.

Blu · 27/03/2014 18:07

I also suspect it was a naïve mistake and the teacher thought she was doing a good and lovely thing.

She needs some training.

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