That teacher went over and sat with ds at lunchtime

[bongobaby]

Teacher sat down and told ds that his dad came to parents evening (first time ever)and how proud he was of ds and that he misses him. I know he has PR and he is entitled to attend parents evening and have school reports. But the school know of the background between me and ex due to domestic violence. They are also aware that a prohibited steps order is in place due to a discussion with the head who thought this would be good thing to put in place due to concerns flagged up by agencies.
I'm thinking that the teacher should not have done this and it was rather insensitive to of done so and not her place really

[GertTheFlirt]

Does he have contact with his son? face to face, not via email

[GertTheFlirt]

*the legal right to have contact. Sorry, typo on my part

[bongobaby]

No he doesn't have face to face contact now

[Blu]

Bloody hell, OP, in the light of everything you say about previous attempts to get him from school, I think you need to know everything he said to the teacher, and she needs to think very carefully about anything she said to him - did she tell him, for example, that she is delighted that your DS is in the football team and will be playing on Saturday at XXX?

I would concentrate to begin with on asking the Head to make sure the teacher writes down as much as she can remember of the entire conversation, and that this is shared with you.

Your ex clearly deliberately charmed his way right past that teacher.

I would tell your solicitor.

[Peekingduck]

Formal complaint to the Headteacher.

[maddy68]

Or. The teacher could have sat with the children and made conversation, along the lines of 'nice to see your parents , your dad said he was very proud of you. Son says I don't see him very often I miSs him, teacher says I bet he misses you too .......


Children rarely give the whole story

[bongobaby]

Maddy68 she went and sat next to him whilst he was eating his lunch to tell him this.
Blu yes I'm going to do that as it has really unnerved me. This is text book abuser style charming people and this teacher has fallen for it. Three times he has tried to remove ds on separate occasions and this had been followed by phone calls to me. It's not fair on ds for his dad to do this at school. Ds has recently moved schools and I did not tell ex where he had gone so as to avoid him doing it again. Low and behold he turned up at the local town hall kicking off shouting at the staff demanding to know where ds was.

[zipzap]

Are you able to go into school tomorrow and discuss this?

Sounds like they need an urgent reminder and great big flag on ds again, just in case he tries to come by and the teacher that fell for his charms happens to be the one on duty that doesn't see any harm in letting ds see his dad or go with his dad etc as his dad seemed so nice... Or lets his dad come in to watch a football match or for a parents in school afternoon.

Because if she is dumb enough to talk to your ds as she did, despite being one of the staff that is supposed to be on the pastoral care team and therefore more aware of such things (not excusable but more understandable if it had for example been a new junior teacher that wasn't directly involved with ds and his backstory) plus you'd spoken with her about the problems - then she is dumb enough to fall for the next step in whatever games your ex is playing at


Good luck at getting it all sorted with the school and I hope that they realise the much bigger implications for all involved that this teacher's actions have had. and that they manage to put plans in place to counter all the problems that this will cause, as well as make sure it doesn't happen again...

[Topseyt]

I am normally a defender of teachers, but this one behaved totally unprofessionally.

Is she a relatively new and inexperienced teacher? That would make it half understandable, though not excusable. She needs to be pulled up on this and have the potential consequences spelled out loud and clear before something else happens and your ex tries to escalate things by going a step further. She clearly has a limited or at best idealistic understanding of child protection issues. What if he turns up at school during the day and asks her if he could see his son? Can you be confident she would not let him?

I hope you get some proper answers tomorrow. Definitely a discussion with the head is in order.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

op

What exactly does the Prohibited steps order forbid him from doing and does the none mol cover your son as well as you?

Are any orders in existence forbid him from face to face or indirect contact or third part communications with your son (not you your son)

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

holiday

PR removal is a such a rare thing that to the best of my knowledge it has only happened twice in the uk since 1995 if my memory serves me correctly I believe it involved cases where the father had been convicted of sexually abusing a sibling of the child.

Apart from adoption removing PR

It is my understanding that PR gained through marriage cannot be removed.

PR gained via a residency order automatically is removed when the order is removed.

But PR removal with an unmarried father who is named on the birth certificate is a whole different ball game, legally it's serious stuff and highly unlikely to happen.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

I would calmly speak to the school.

The teacher was out of order, however I feel sorry for the teacher. Don't let this man ruin her career. He seems a very manipulative man who managed to get into her head.

Perhaps the school should ban him from parents evening, as clearly he is there to stir up trouble rather than being there to see how his son is progressing

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Oh op, how awful :(

I read your first post and was going to say 'oh but she wouldn't have known all the dacts', and also 'heart in right place'

but then I read the rest.

You need to see the ht first thing tomorrow.
Emphasise that h is manipulative and gets people to help him to very very harmful things. Perhaps remind her that abusive men do not seem abusive to anyone at first, and that is why women fall in love with them in the first place! And that the teacher has let herself get sucked in - and that is

A. Unprofessional
B. Terrifying for you - massive breach of trust
C. Actively harms your sons well being
D. Has embarassed him in front of his peers, by making private business public

And what on the surface is a slightly over reaching thing to do, in these circumstances just has to stop.

Ask the ht to investigate what else was shared and how much this teacher has now become 'on h's side', as this is really dangerous. Tbh this doesn't sound like a teacher who would have the right reaction to another attempt to take your son. Maybe she would be great - but her actions plus his abusive manipulative behaviour means that this has to be called into question. You need reassurance on this ASAP.

Of course I don't think you should panic or go in all guns blazing... As that could fuel any nasty little thoughts of h = misunderstood by evil over reacting partner. Take the opportunity to emphasise how reasonable and great you are. I know it's rubbish to even have to think like this, but this man sounds like scum, and you need to protect yourself on all fronts.

Poor you. Many hugs and tea and many many 'you're great and you've got it in you to survive and live well with your ds'

[bongobaby]

What really gets me is that when I was called into the school to discuss a report recieved by the police raising concerns I spoke to this teacher and broke down infront of her because I was so frightened of exp behaviour, I sat there shaking and crying nervous. He really has done a number on her and drawn her in and I can't trust her. I'm not saying she should take sides but ffs she has overstepped her place.
I'm going to contact my solicitor and my case worker at womens aid before I speak with the Head.
He has already bombarded the Head with emails when he found out ds was at this new school and the Head has held a meeting with him after school because ex wanted to meet him.I'm really feeling uneased by all of this.

[Nomama]

You are right to get all your ducks in a row, bongobaby.

As a teacher (you may have guessed) I am horrified that a colleague who is in full possession of the facts as they stand would take it upon herself to act as this teacher has.

The rights and wrongs of any parental dispute are not ours to ponder, we don't have that right.

Safeguarding regulations have made such circumstances really simple for teachers these days, report up the Safeguarding food chain, keep a note in your diary and then step out of the situation, unless/until you are called back in. Every member of staff in every school knows this, will have had training on this and will have the right contact details for the school's named officer.

Get yourself all the external support you can and make sure that the Head and Board of Governors are fully informed, again if necessary. The school MUST revisit its procedures and the specific teacher MUST be informed of her error and retrained as appropriate. Reprimands won't help your situation, but she will get that anyway.

The school should fall over itself to put this 'right', so you should find yourself pushing against an open door with the Head.

[bongobaby]

I really appreciate all of the advice given, I have called the school this morning leaving a message for the Head to please call me briefly outling it the receptionist.
I have also spoken to my case worker at womens aid who also advised that I speak to the Head. I don't want her to get into trouble but want it pointed out to her that she has made an error in what she has done.

[Pippilangstrompe]

I am also a teacher. What this teacher did was absolutely wrong. I can't understand how she could have though this was acceptable. No matter how charming tour ex can be, her professionality should have come first. Definitelt follow this up, make it very clear why her behaviour is absolutely not okay. She needs reprimanded.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I am glad you are following up - you had no choice really.

This is not another kid's parent or a neighbour inadvertently getting involved. It's a supposed professional, someone who knows about 'pastoral care', who is completely aware of the background, deliberately breaking rules and pushing information onto your son in a public place.

What on earth was she thinking?

[bongobaby]

If anything she should of run it by the Head first and told him that father wants to pass a message on. Instead she directly singled out ds and did it.

[bongobaby]

Exp has achieved what he had set out to do. Now that I am going to raise the matter calmly he still has control over me because now it looks like I'm the nutter and he is the pleasant charming one by me bringing it to the schools attention.Why is it that in trying to protect ds and I that I feel like I'm in the wrong.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

Don't have time to read the whole thread. I think you should report her. She had zero right to say anything of the sort to your son.

[bongobaby]

She was also made aware of exp recent conviction of beating up his ex because the conviction was reported in our local paper. I became concerned that for ds that maybe other kids at his school could get to know about the paper and maybe point it out. You know kids can be cruel at times although not intentional but playground whispers. In my eyes her behaviour in delivering the message is rather bizarre , it was their in plain black and white fully printed in a newspaper!

[Curlyweasel]

Unacceptable you're being made to feel this way, OP.

Perhaps the school should give over one of its teacher training days to domestic abuse awareness for its staff.

Take this complaint as far as you can would be my advice. Hiding behind naivity isn't an excuse.

[FrankUnderwood]

Have you contacted the school, as a matter of urgency?

This can't be left till after the weekend. Your son needs to be protected, if he's in the school's care, that teacher needs to be told she's out of order.