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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be miffed about his attitude towards my degree?

104 replies

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 21:08

I am currently finishing a degree, I am doing pretty well with it, have got consistently good grades right the way through. When I talk about my further study, or jobs that I might get, my husband says 'well that depends if you get good enough grades' every. single. time.

Its really beginning to grate on me, he has just done it again on the phone and its really made me down. I know I have the capability to achieve the grades I need but I really wish that he had more faith in me.

OP posts:

ScarletStar · 18/03/2014 21:13

He sounds a bit jealous. Say that to him and see if he goes mental, which will be your proof.

phonebox · 18/03/2014 21:14

That's weird.

Everyone knows it's not just the classification, but also work experience counts for just as much, if not more, these days.

Original poster

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 21:16

Well I've got lots of work experience, both paid and voluntary. That does make me feel better, beginning to doubt myself a bit!

OP posts:

Roshbegosh · 18/03/2014 21:17

Maybe it is his gentle way of saying he thinks your expectations are not realistic. Maybe he has heard enough of you going on about how amazing things will be once you have a degree so just stop going on about it and see what you end up with.

Original poster

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 21:18

My expectations are to be in a better position to support our family when qualified. That's about it really.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 18/03/2014 21:21

Your degree mark doesn't come as a major surprise though, does it? You pretty much know what you are going to get.

I would find this annoying.

Original poster

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 21:26

It is really annoying.

OP posts:

EverythingCounts · 18/03/2014 21:29

It seems odd that you are getting good marks, yet he says 'ah... if you get good enough marks' to you, as if he doesn't believe you or thinks you are exaggerating. Have you tried saying 'You sound like you don't believe me that I'm doing well'? It does sound as if he is trying to put you down by expressing it in this way. If he was saying 'even good grades don't guarantee a job these days' (which they don't) it would come across differently.

Original poster

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 21:31

Well I show him the marks. It's very strange, like he thinks I will just suddenly fail or something.

I am quite sick of it.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/03/2014 21:40

Maybe stop talking to him about it so much if he's not interested in the updates? Perhaps he just wants the highlights, ie. date of your graduation and where you're going for a celebration lunch afterwards.

My mum was always talking about her grades - and asking me about mine. I really wasn't that interested over and above saying 'Great, keep going' and didn't talk about mine at all despite prompting. People are different, it doesn't mean that they're not rooting for you.

wowfudge · 18/03/2014 21:41

Maybe it's his way of encouraging you so that you don't get complacent? He knows you are doing really well, with a bit more welly you can do exceptionally.

Original poster

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 21:42

he is my husband. I want to talk to him about my day, how things are going and what I have been up to.

I thought that was just normal, I don't think that when talking about my day and what things I have been up to should give him free reign to put me down, I think what gets to me most is that he seems to want to put me down, that doesn't seem healthy to me.

OP posts:

NoodleOodle · 18/03/2014 21:47

It would annoy me too, must be something up - agree, he might be jealous?

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/03/2014 21:47

I'd ask him why he feels it necessary to insult you instead of being happy that you should be earning more at the end of it.

Technical · 18/03/2014 21:49

Does he have a degree? Is it likely/possible that you're classification will be higher than his? If successful will you be the higher earner in time?

DH was really supportive about my degree (2:1!!) and was sure to tell everyone so I didn't have to brag personally . He did however, have a bit of a personal crisis when my qualifications "worked" and I became the higher earner. He didn't behave badly towards me and was pleased for me and the benefits it brought the family but he did feel it IYSWIM. He wouldn't be able to articulate it well but deep down somewhere there was a feeling that he "should" be the main breadwinner. Might DH be having similar feelings?

Georgina1975 · 18/03/2014 21:49

People can react in the must unexpected ways. Could he be sat there thinking that you are boasting...perhaps putting him down a little by highlighting you achievements a lot? Could he feel threatened?

Just ask him.

And feel proud of your marks...anybody who thinks a degree is just a bit of paper blah, blah, blah has probably never done one. You also need a very good skill set to get high marks. Keep it up.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2014 21:53

Maybe he's worried that you won't be the 'woman' any more ie you will be well-qualified and able to get a decent job and therefore he won't be able to regard you as his cute little domestic animal. Has he got a lot invested in the idea of being the superior person in the relationship ie is he older than you, higher-earning or has already got a degree?

Original poster

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 21:58

He hasn't got a degree.

I already have a higher qualification than him but he has been quick to point out that his NVQ2 is more work and more important than mine.

I am worried that if it continues I will become quite resentful of him.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/03/2014 21:59

If you feel he's putting you down then pull him up on it. It's one thing to be a bit blasé over something someone is doing that is important to them and not to you, but if they feel hurt by it then of course, that needs to stop.

I suppose it depends how much you talk about it -v- how interested he is in it. Yes, of course you have the right to talk about your day but if he's really disinterested in your course then ask him why. It doesn't mean that he's not proud of you and your achievement.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/03/2014 22:00

x-posted with you, Fify. I didn't pick up that he might be feeling threatened by your degree in some way. You'll have to tell him how you feel when he makes these comments.

Original poster

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 22:05

I just have told him how I feel, via email as he is abroad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 22:06

Sorry am trying to type on my phone , I don't mean to be abrupt and I really appreciate the support.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/03/2014 22:08

I think you nailed it with your 21:58 post, tbh

Expect rocky times ahead.

Hissy · 18/03/2014 22:10

What a horrible little man!

Make sure that he packs this malarky in right now.

How dare he bring you down.

If he's so worried you'll leave him behind, nothing stopping him getting off his arse and bettering himself is there?

Catsmamma · 18/03/2014 22:14

I think you need to tell him to pack it in, front him out and ask if he is worried you will show him up?

And then you need to get your fabulous marks and mention to him at every available opportunity that you have these choices/job/wages because of YOUR FABULOUS GRADES.

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