To be miffed about his attitude towards my degree?

[Fifyfomum]

I am currently finishing a degree, I am doing pretty well with it, have got consistently good grades right the way through. When I talk about my further study, or jobs that I might get, my husband says 'well that depends if you get good enough grades' every. single. time.

Its really beginning to grate on me, he has just done it again on the phone and its really made me down. I know I have the capability to achieve the grades I need but I really wish that he had more faith in me.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Emails in that tone.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

BTW, your DH is very patient. If I received emails in that done, I'd be very tempted to respond in a similar tone.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Wow, OP the tone of your mails is awful!
I thought you DHs responses were supportive and reasonable. I was very surprised at the aggressive responses you sent him back. It's almost like you didn't read his email, and keep harping on about his lack of support.

I don't think you are really listening to him.
It seems you have different communication styles, so you might need to listen harder and ask questions to understand what he really means. Don't second guess him.
And I think you should wait and do this face to face.

Well done in your studies. I'm sure you will get the grades you plan.

[Amateurish]

Hamster - he does say "I expect you to succeed ... you are a brilliant and hard working person who has a good eye for detail and an excellent way of structuring an essay."

OP, I found the tone of your emails very aggressive and spiteful. His replies are remarkably measured in that context. I don't think you are going to solve anything over email.

Has your husband fully bought in to your plans to do a masters?

[Fifyfomum]

Thank you!

[MrsSteptoe]

That's good, OP, good luck with the rest of your degree

[Fifyfomum]

Every time we talk about my future study (which is important to me) in a 'I found out this or this today' context which is absolutely NOT every day or obsessive, he is dismissive about my grades, he has acknowledged this, it does happen.

Yes of course we just chat but often we are quite formal well talking about formal stuff!

Anyway this thread has been really helpful, we've worked some stuff out so thank you

[HopefulHamster]

To be fair, while his replies are supportive on the surface, not once does he say 'of course you will get a 2.1!'. Although I did skimread...

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I think EverythingCounts makes a very good point. Unless you are both in the same field of study, your husband reading your work makes no sense whatsoever. It may highlight to him that you aren't confident in your work (and that's what I would think, asking a 'lay' person to read it) and maybe that's where the negativity is coming from?

Discuss your degree work with your peers and your tutor, not your husband. Give him the highlights, the milestones and let him get on with being your husband not your 'prop'.

[EverythingCounts]

I think you should stop passing him your essays to read. You clearly don't need help with them, so I'm not sure what purpose it serves other than to create another instance of him validating - or not - your academic activities. His opinion, frankly, doesn't matter; only that of your tutors does, and I can't help thinking that him reading your work only serves to heighten the impression that you want him to 'approve' of it, and from his end that he gets some kind of role in estimating its value.
I know you said it's him that asks to read them, not you pushing it, but even so, stop. Next time he asks, say you have been thinking about it and it seems like something you should just get on with yourself as it is your activity and your area of interest. Make it clear that you appreciate emotional support but that it's not his role to validate your work, nor do you expect him to. This may also help with combating the negative comments about your future.

[LongTimeLurking]

OP sounds slightly obsessed with her degree and future masters to me and IMO is unrealistically expecting her DH to show the same level of interest and enthusiasm.

The email trail comes across as quite aggressive/argumentative from the OP's end and the DH's replies are along the lines of "Oh god, not this again.... what do you want from me?!"

[2rebecca]

I've never put someone's name in an email if the email is just for them. I may start the email "hello x" but otherwise using their name sounds unnecessary. I find it a bit creepy when someone uses my name alot when talking to me. Journalists and media people do this alot and it sounds smarmy, although sometimes on the radio it could be to remind listeners of who they are talking to if it's a long discussion.
I like people talking to me to use my name before they start talking to me to get my attention otherwise I miss the first half of what they are saying as I'm thinking of something else if I'm writing, reading or on the computer.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

x-posted with Alibaba and 2Rebecca with whom I'm in complete agreement on this; they've posted the points I missed from my post.

[bleedingheart]

The use of the husbands name stood out for me, at first I thought it was because OP substituted a real name for husband but then I read it again with a real name and it still sounded aggressive. Your emails don't read like they are from a partner or lover.
If he isn't gas-lighting and his emails are genuine then I think you have transposed some of your fears on to him and he is trying (wrongly, unnecessarily) to temper your enthusiasm. My DDad is like that, he is an anxious person and whilst he is my biggest fan, when I was younger he would always add caveats to things such as 'yes, you'll enjoy Uni...if you get the grades.' He didn't think I wouldn't but he couldn't bear the disappointment I'd feel if for some reason I didn't so would try and prepare me for it. It is is wearying, I am a pragmatic person but I like to dream a bit too, like you OP.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It's been the absolute focus of your thread,Fify. I didn't much like your e-mails to your husband, I would have found them aggressive and his sounded quite jaded to me, as if you've had the conversation many times before.

Do you have a group of friends at university whom you can bounce ideas off? I think you need to talk about your degree because it's your sole focus at the moment (because you hate your job) and it's consuming you. Find some other people to talk to other than your husband.

Quite honestly, I can see where he is coming from; depending on the Masters you want to do and the competition a 2:1 may or may not cut it. You say that you are doing well but then you need approbation and validation for the minutiae of it. I really think you could benefit from a discussion with your course tutor to get an accurate assessment of where you really are and then use that point as your reference to build on.

My husband was very proud of my degree but wouldn't have wanted to have a conversation about the day to day slog of it either. If I'd had a problem that he could have helped with, he would have been right there, but everything else is white noise.

I'd find conversations about a degree (on a loop) very tedious, sorry. I think that you both need to stop competing with each other for qualifications; there are very many people with Masters degrees (and higher) and just get on with what you're doing. Find some common ground to talk about when you're away from each other, not this.

[2rebecca]

I think in the OP you said "every single time" which made it sound like alot. Also if he says this stuff every time why do you expect him to say something different next time unless you ask him not to say it? It may not be negative against you, if he was talking about a degree he was doing he might startfuture discussions with "if I get a 2:1 " . I'd have your future plan discussions with someone less negative.
Getting him to read all your essays sounds bizarre. My husband and I have both done post grad qualifications and the only involvement the other has had has been to accompany them to seminar or exam locations (if it's been several hours away) for company.
Reclaim your own career and let him get on with his. Jan 2016 is a long way off and if you're thinking of applying to do a masters when you've finished andcan't even apply for that for another 2 years I can see why he maybe thinks some of the conversations are premature, i was thinking you were finishing your degree this summer and looking for jobs in a few months.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Using someone's name like that, is a taught technique in sales and aggressive debating as a way to exert control over the person you are speaking to.

If my DH spoke to me like that I would be seriously unimpressed.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

it is hard for me because I am fluid but excitable, I move easily from being excited about something to watching it change into something else and being excited about that.

This really jumped out at me. My DH is a lovely man - great husband and father and all round good bloke. BUT he goes totally overboard with plans when he gets excited about something, and gets about 10 steps ahead of himself. Then something changes, and whatever the NEW PLAN is, is treated in the same way.

I am a positive person, I am definitely not glass half-empty, but I am pragmatic. And when you've been married to someone for a long time, being asked to enthuse, over and over, about things that then change 6 months/2 weeks/ a year later does get a bit draining.

All that said, your tone with each other is weird and incredibly formal. Do you not just chat?

[Fifyfomum]

I don't know how many more times I can say that I don't constantly go on about my degree!

[Viviennemary]

It's difficult to decide whether he is really putting you down in which case that's wrong. But ont he other hand if you are constantly talking about how wonderful it's all going to be, how great you will do and what a wonderful job you will get one day it can all get a bit wearying. No harm in being cautiously optimistic but to be forever going on about a wonderful future that isn't here yet can become very annoying for a listener.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Tbh it sounds to me like you only hear what you want to hear.

You have decided you might not pass (why I don't know! Fear?) and pick up on one thing he says.

You ignored multiple emails there sounding extremely supportive and picked out one sentence to get gripes with. To me based on what's here snap out of it. You're both better than this I'm sure.

Good luck in exam

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I think it's fair to expect him to be more positive if you've asked him to. It would annoy me.

I will say, getting someone to read your essays is putting them in a position of authority, implicitly. That's nice for them and nice for you. But with certain types of people, it can give them the impression you are more dependent on them than you are, or that they are closer to your level than they are. My dear old dad is like this - he loved reading and commenting on my essays and started to think he knew all about this degree lark. Eventually he started trying to tell me how to do my own degree, warning me about marks, and I had to stop letting him read things.

I wonder if your partner is a bit the same? He reads your essays and he gets the impression he knows pretty much as much about it as you do. Understandably, you're irritated, because you know he doesn't.

It does sound slightly arsey to me. But - and sorry to agree with him, because I wouldn't keep on about it to a partner - a 2:1 is borderline for getting a place on a good Masters, which is what you mention applying for. I'm not saying that to do down your achievements at all, just mentioning it because I don't think being cautious is totally wrong here.

[Essiebee]

I was immensely sympathetic when I started reading this, as I endured a similar situation when I gained extra qualifications, but I do think your husband feels somewhat threatened by your degree, and you do seem to go on and on and on about it. Accept that your husband will not speak the words you want to hear, (and you are backing him into a corner) but be grateful he is supporting you practically; save your tenacity for your work and when you have your degree and all the wonderful career possibilities available, reassess the situation. Degrees train the mind to independent thought; try to be more independent. Now, enthralling as this is, I should be doing degree work of my own, so I hope it works out well for you; you have achieved an awful lot; don't let husband's slightly negative attitude spoil it for you.

[HillyHolbrook]

He just sounds like a 'realist.'

DP is the same, I'm never allowed to say 'when this exciting thing happens...' It always has to be 'IF it happens.'
He means well judging by your emails, you just seem to have opposite personalities when it comes to this. I'm very optimistic and love to get excited about what I can do and what I will be doing, he would rather wait til the good things happen then enjoy them instead of getting his hopes up.

I know you'll want to tell him everything, but maybe if you don't mention your grades or work and see if he asks about them? If he gave a shit he would, and you'll know then if he is bothered or if he really doesn't want to hear about it. What's exciting to you may not be and doesn't have to be for him, husband or not. He seems supportive though and that's the main thing.

[FutTheShuckUp]

Its not nice for someone who loves you to piss on your fire BUT could it be that hes had enough of you going on and on about how well you are doing and how you're going to do this and have this wonderful future and quite frankly be a bit sick of hearing it? Im doing a degree and some of the shit some people come out with eg they are guaranteed a first, guaranteed to walk into any job blah blah me me me me me i'd love to bring them down a peg or two at times!