To be miffed about his attitude towards my degree?

[Fifyfomum]

I am currently finishing a degree, I am doing pretty well with it, have got consistently good grades right the way through. When I talk about my further study, or jobs that I might get, my husband says 'well that depends if you get good enough grades' every. single. time.

Its really beginning to grate on me, he has just done it again on the phone and its really made me down. I know I have the capability to achieve the grades I need but I really wish that he had more faith in me.

[Fifyfomum]

Here are the emails. Mine are in bold

You don't think I will achieve good grades in my degree. It comes through so clearly whenever I talk about my future plans. I will remain positive because I know my own capacity but it is nice, on occasion, to think that my husband feels that I am a capable human being. I am beginning to think more and more that this is not the case.

I will succeed Husband and I will do it with or without your support.

I can't believe you don't think I am capable of a 2:1, this is not the first time you have alluded to it but I really hope it is the last. Your message is loud and clear, you do not think I am capable.

So thanks for that.


You reading things in to somethi g that is simply not there and I don't care how much you protest abou it, it's bollocks and quite frankly I am tired of having to explain myself over something I have never said or even thought. I expect you to succeed and I have supported you through some of the most difficult times in your acedemic career, you are a brilliant and hard working person who has a good eye for detail and an excellent way of structuring an essay.

Please don't start a fight about something you only have the barest of "hunches" about and cannot substantiate. I had just woken up when speaking to you and was stretching and becoming awake so don't you dare tell me what I was thinking.

End of story.

I agree, you are very good at helping me when I am struggling. Not sure you are going to be very supportive when I am successful though Husband and that IS an issue for us.

Whenever I talk about returning to uni to further my education you mention my grades. Well if I dont get a 2:1 there are other universities that will take me regardless.

See, you made me doubt myself enough to check.

I do wish it wasn't an issue, I wish when I talked about achieving something you were positive about it but you are not. I don't know why.

You mistake my pragmatism and assessment of the facts (based on what YOU have told me, I claim to have done no research why would I have) for something it is not and the fact that you would so brashly label me as such is much more of a worry for me. I have no fear of the future and if you were to become a million times more successful than me it would bear no weight on my own self worth and I would be there celebrating your success. That you would think such a thing of me shows that you have no idea what you're talking about, that is NOT who I am.

Your worries are unfounded and I fear that your veiw of me is strangely skewed for some unknown reason. I am not you brother or father or mother, I can guess at your true worth, I know that it is even more than you yourself understand and I know that you are going to be successful, in fact I am banking on it. Stop putting words into my mouth and assuming that you know my every thought and intention, you do not.

You're right, I don't know what your intentions are but I do know how it makes me feel when I discuss the future and you mention the possibility that I won't achieve what I need to! It makes me feel like shit and yes, it makes me question your motives and the reasons behind it.

[Fifyfomum]

here is his reply to me

I intend for us both to be successful and to provide a good life for our children as well as to be good role models so that they have the best chance to succeed. I always believed that it was possible and that you were capable even when you didn't think so yourself. Just think about it for a second why would I help you when you were struggling and then be dissappointed when you were successful it makes no sense unless you come from a fucked up family such as yours.

That is not me and it is not the way I think. You will succeed I am sure of it and I always have been, if you choose to read things into an innocent conversation (such as we have had many times before) then I will not be able to stop you but it is no more than a product of an upbringing which has been the architect of so many problems between us and which we have worked through.

I have no hidden desire for you to fail because that is fucked up and not what you do to anyone especially if you love them. I am sorry that you see that in me but it is not there in reality.

I will stop now, he is really upsetting me so I don't think I will respond to his last message, I am not sure why he is bringing up my family.

Finding this all very, very strange

[LaurieFairyCake]

He's bringing up your family because your overreaction comes from somewhere.

If you read his emails at face value then he is entirely supportive .

You're reading something else into it. And that may or not actually be there - only you know how much of it is you reacting to it.

[Fifyfomum]

Okay I will check myself.

I just know that when I speak about the future I find it upsetting when he mentions me possibly not getting decent grades. Its happened before but now I suppose is enough of a problem for me to want to talk about it. I suppose I am struggling to see why it is not a singular problem that we can talk about on its own rather than assessing my entire ability to deal with anything. That seems a bit much to me. Obviously that is the wrong judgement of the situation though and I will readdress it.

[whomadeyougod]

when i read your first post it sounded to me like he didnt want to build your hopes up just in case you didnt pass , that doesnt mean hes jealous , all his email are supportive , i think you are reading to much into it , he sounds like he really cares .

[Fifyfomum]

I am really glad I posted the emails because I find it really hard to judge situations like this.

[Pilgit]

Some people are negative. They don't realise this is how they are coming across. My dh does similar - whenever I suggest doing something he always comes out with the risks and barriers without ever saying 'great idea'. In his mind I should just know he likes the idea. I think you need to clearly articulate it as from the emails he looks supportive and rejoicing in your success and look at whether there is a back story for you. Does thinking that of him feed your own fears?

[Fairenuff]

Why do you call him Husband in your email, is that to keep him anonymous, or you do really call him that?

[Fifyfomum]

Yes Pilgit I think we have very similar DH's.

it is hard for me because I am fluid but excitable, I move easily from being excited about something to watching it change into something else and being excited about that. He believes in never getting excited about anything because then you wont ever be disappointed.

Which I find hard and fairly unnecessary, I think its pretty obvious with my work experience and my grades that I will achieve enough to continue with my education.

But, I also think that although I have clearly overreacted to his less-than-enthusiastic way of dealing with a fairly important thing for me, the upset and the feeling that I had that caused that overreaction was there and was valid and was completely unnecessary.

So I would like him to recognise that and accept it about me, so that when we are discussing my achievements, perhaps he can try and not be so 'pragmatic' about things?

I think that is a fair comment?? (View gratefully received)

[AnyFucker]

I presume "husband" is sustituted for his christian name ?

OP, is he a glass half empty type of person ? I am not sure how that mitigates him blaming you (and your family) for your totally valid feelings though.

[Fifyfomum]

No I call him by his name, I changed it to Husband

[PoppyFleur]

OP - taken at face value his emails are genuine & supportive. Sorry but I think you have been harsh on him.

[Fifyfomum]

Don't be sorry, its exactly what I need to hear

[Fairenuff]

Ah, okay, that's what I thought it probably was. OP I think your post above at 22.48 says it all really. Why don't you say it to him like that. It's more casual and chatty.

The emails from both of you were quite formal and 'aggressive'. Especially his 'don't you dare tell me what I was thinking' and 'End of story'.

You both sound too angry with each other to talk at the moment, I would try again but be less confrontational. Seems like communication is the problem more than anything.

[Fifyfomum]

Yes I found that confrontational too. We are still talking and it is easier. We are generally quite formal though...

[BakerStreetSaxRift]

I also would not take this as a slight, DO already had his degree when we met but when he was trying to get into his chosen career and got first interview then assessment then test then second interview etc, the whole way through I said things like your DH is saying, not because I had no faith in him, but just so he knew if it didn't go exactly as he planned, it would be fine, not the end of the world, etc.

Maybe your DH ifs doing the same?

[Fifyfomum]

It just isn't who I am baker I am in a crap job and I am desperate to train out of it. If I don't achieve something I find another route and work hard at it, but I need to dream to keep motivated, its just a part of me.

Maybe we can work out how to be pragmatic about some things and philosophical about others? Maybe that is something we can work on together?

[VenusDeWillendorf]

Do you really want those private emails on the Internet?

I'd delete that post ASAP if I was you.

Best of luck with your degree. And maybe don't talk to him so much about it, just crack on!

I don't know if he's pulling you down, certainly I wouldn't want reminding of my past if it was less than perfect while pouring cold water about my potential in the future. It's a bit of a head wreck IMO.
He might feel intimidated by your potential to earn more.

Stay alert.

[BakerStreetSaxRift]

Okay Fi, I guess different people work in different ways, when I was doing my degree my DP actually said the things to me that you want your DP to say to you, and I hated it, in fact we used to argue about it! I felt he was putting too much pressure on me and being dismissive of how tough it was.

Just explain to him that you need your dream to see you through and if he's positive about it you won't feel pressure, you'll feel supported. It's never a bad idea to have a backup plan though, maybe a masters you could do after it for example that would also get you in to your chosen field?

[SingSongSlummy]

Methinks he protests too much. I don't like the way he writes to you, he seems to want to be in charge of you and to take credit for any achievements you make!

[BakerStreetSaxRift]

Sorry, just raised I've done exactly what you don't want him to do

I'm sorry! I'm just saying what I'd like to be told without thinking.

You'll know your own capability and if you're on track for a 2:1 then your marks tend to get better and better towards the end as you get better at the essays/exams etc through experience, so you'll be grand

What course is it you're doing? nosey

[MistressDeeCee]

He's jealous. & Id like to think if I were doing a degree and excited about it, my own partner wouldn't feel the need to remind me that I may not get good grades. Your lover is actually supposed to be your friend too.

I don't know why people make excuses for snidey remarks that are designed to make others not feel good, and burst their bubble when they're trying to achieve something. There are things my OH is trying to achieve, I may not be super-interested - I don't have to be - but no way would I put him down for doing something positive. & listening to him talk about it wouldn't cause me any angst unless I begrudged him & what he's doing in some way.

Glad you've told him how you feel OP. Maybe talk about what you're doing/studying with family, or others who don't mind giving you a boost. Be prepared for 'storms' with DH when you do get that degree, though..that will be another story.

& good luck

[ouryve]

He sounds like a glass half empty sort of person.

It grates.

[Cerisier]

I also think he does sound supportive of you. I think his tone is rather pompous but yours seems quite attacking.

Communicating by text via a time difference isn't the best way to have these big conversations though. You are both tired and stressed and can easily say harsh things that can't be taken back.

[MistressDeeCee]

& the email reply at 22:24:21 is very nicely passive-aggressive. The last sentence of the 1st paragraph & most of the 2nd paragraph in particular.

Nice to be reminded that you didn't amount to much when you met him and he in saviour mode plucked you from your struggling, & your rubbish family. God forbid you should actually achieve, after all that.

Anyway hopefully the 2 of you can work this out but he needs to acknowledge his jealousy hasn't made you feel good & also that you can actually see it, before then.