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AIBU?

To be miffed about his attitude towards my degree?

104 replies

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 21:08

I am currently finishing a degree, I am doing pretty well with it, have got consistently good grades right the way through. When I talk about my further study, or jobs that I might get, my husband says 'well that depends if you get good enough grades' every. single. time.

Its really beginning to grate on me, he has just done it again on the phone and its really made me down. I know I have the capability to achieve the grades I need but I really wish that he had more faith in me.

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2rebecca · 18/03/2014 23:39

He's maybe getting bored and a bit jealous with lots of discussion about "what I'll do when I have my degree". His email mentions you having had this conversation "many times before" and in your first post you make it sound like a recurrent discussion.
I'd stop discussing possible future plans with him as it doesn't sound a beneficial conversation for either of you at the moment. Make plans yourself but involve him when you're actually applying for jobs and need to sort out practical arrangements rather than involving him in vague "it would be nice if" discussions.

2rebecca · 18/03/2014 23:43

No one would call my family "fucked up" and still be living with me. I presume it's a view you share or your thread would be all about your husband slagging off your family, not him being negative about your frequent future job discussions.

EverythingCounts · 18/03/2014 23:43

In the reply when he says 'you have an excellent way of structuring an essay' - does that mean he's read them? Do you ask him to read them? Does he ask?

AchyFox · 18/03/2014 23:59

Trouble is that you're accusing him of something rather foul.

If your allegations are true, I would advise leaving him.

Because not only is he not supportive, he is gaslighting you; trying to make black seem like white and claiming repeatedly that the allegations are not only false and without foundation, but fabricated, putting words into his mouth.

Either he is a psychopath or you are lying.

landrover · 19/03/2014 00:16

Those emails don't sound like normal husband wife conversations? why don't you talk to each other?

ComposHat · 19/03/2014 00:28

I would actually be pretty fucked off if a private and comparatively sensitive email I had written was being poured over by strangers on the internet.

Does he know you've done this?

Hissy · 19/03/2014 07:10

When he says these things, do you ask him "why did you say that again?"

If he really does say that every time, then he's now telling you he didn't, using authoritative and bustling tone/language to tell you black is white.

Gaslighting is what that is.

He's away now right? Use this time to really think about what he does and says and how all of that makes you feel,

Fifyfomum · 19/03/2014 07:42

He wouldn't mind me posting the messages for support.

We have never had this conversation before. He does that a lot when I talk to him about stuff.

Neither of us amounted to much when we got together.

He does read all my essays, he does offer and I do ask him to. This isn't a huge issue with every aspect of my work it is just the bit that makes him put me down when I am talking about the future. It's an aspect of his personality that I find worryingly gas-lighty

I do agree with him about my family. I don't think either of us are lying or psychopaths, I think he has a manner that seems to put mine down a lot and I find it really, really hard to deal with especially when it then becomes a whole big issue about my life rather than it just being about the issue in hand.

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Fifyfomum · 19/03/2014 07:43

Sorry on my phone again so short sentences a plenty!

I really appreciate the replies

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BeckAndCall · 19/03/2014 07:58

I don't see anything wrong with your DHs emails, given the tone of yours to him which sound like you're squaring up for a fight. I must say I don't agree with the other posters who say he's being passive aggressive in his replies - he's reacting to your challenging tone. He seems to me to be trying to be supportive and encouraging when he'd really rather not be talking about it at all.

And I would say, an email conversation about something that's obviously so raw for you doesn't strike me as a good idea. Why couldn't you wait til he comes home? It's not time critical - the rest of your every day lives can carry on til then.

And quite frankly how much of your day to day conversation is about your studies? I find it extraordinary that you should even have typed as much as you did, aside from the previous conversations. I, too, suspect he's sick of you talking about it and just doesn't know how to ask you to stop.

But the up side is that the two of you clearly have a very open channel of communication about your hopes and dreams, which is a good thing.

Fifyfomum · 19/03/2014 08:02

Obviously we talk about our studies as part of what we've been up to that day, I don't think that is abnormal(?)

I would say we have discussed beyond the degree perhaps every couple of months. Certainly not enough to be considered a lot I wouldn't think. I suppose when you dislike your job you are more likely to dream of the day when the hard work pays off and you can move on from it! I need those dreams to keep me going where as he needs to not get excited or look forward to anything so he is never disappointed. I couldn't live like that.

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Beastofburden · 19/03/2014 08:05

When I read those emails I am sorry but I think you are imagining problems where there are none.

This may be about personal style. You really want to share every detail of your day and your grades with him; and you really want lots of reassurance about how you are doing. You say that you "didn't amount to much" earlier in life, and this gree is really important to your self esteem.

I do get that. You need to feel this matters to him and that he is supportive.

On the basis of the evidence you've shown us, what I see is a tired busy guy basically saying "yes, dear, that's lovely, mmmm". As they all do when they are busy, tired and probably just a bit bored now of us going on about the same thing. So you call him on it, and he wakes up and says, no, really, I do care about your degree and I do believe in you; but you just won't let it go. It's as if its not enough for you for him to say it once, or even twice.

This is a sign of the stress of doing a degree and you need to see it that way. He's not doing anything wrong, and I don't see any evidence where he's putting you down. He just has a different style from you- perhaps a bit more formal and introverted, perhaps a bit more cautious.

I think YABU, sorry.

Technical · 19/03/2014 08:10

What he's saying in the e-mails seems reasonable and supportive to me and if he's defensive I'm not surprised given your tone. It is very odd to have such a conversation by email though and the way you keep repeating his name..

Fifyfomum · 19/03/2014 08:11

Well the original conversation where I said 'oh I found out today that I need to apply to uni for my masters in January 2016' and he said 'only if you get good enough grades though' was not recorded.

I will agree that my reaction was extreme but the initial conversation was upsetting for me, he does it about a number of things, my NVQ2 being nowhere near enough work as his and not as important for example. I suppose he does it with matters in his own life, it's just very hard when he does it with matters in my life

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Fifyfomum · 19/03/2014 08:12

keep repeating his name

What do you mean by this?

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Beastofburden · 19/03/2014 08:15

One thing that is bound to improve, though, is that as you get a better job etc, he will not be your only source of affirmation. In the future you may be able to laugh about it, "oh, Husband is such a wet blanket, he always assumes the worst" before going off to your job where feedback tells you that you are doing a good job.

If he is genuinely putting you down all the time, that will change when you have clearly got there. But if it is just personal grumpy style, you won't care as much.

Good luck with the degree!

Fifyfomum · 19/03/2014 08:19

Thanks beast that is rather comforting!

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Technical · 19/03/2014 08:20

All the occasions you say "husband" in your transcript. You use his name in the actual emails - have I understood that right? It seems unnatural and quite aggressive to me.

Fifyfomum · 19/03/2014 08:23

Three or four times in around the same amount of emails? Is that really aggressive? You should hear how he says my name when I am suggesting something he can do differently or when I am doing something he thinks I should do differently, it's once a sentence. I don't think three times in a whole conversation is at all aggressive.

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Fifyfomum · 19/03/2014 08:24

In fact it was twice in 4 emails. Is that an excessive amount to call someone by their name?

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Technical · 19/03/2014 08:24

OK, but I though you asked for an opinion. Obviously hard to know exactly how things are without being there - that's how it comes across to me. And it is odd to have this conversation by email

KittensoftPuppydog · 19/03/2014 08:25

Maybe he's just a 'don't count your chickens' type of person.
I do this. I never count on anything until its done.

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UC · 19/03/2014 08:33

He believes in never getting excited about anything because then you wont ever be disappointed.

Are you married to my DP? He has said EXACTLY this to me! I find the inability to be excited disappointing in itself!

Having said that, I don't think his emails to you were unsupportive. Argumentative, yes, but then so were yours to him.

I would say something like "when you question whether I will achieve a 2:1 in my degree, I feel disappointed/sad/whatever you feel, and it makes me question my ability. I would really like you to stop questioning my grades. Can you do that?"

I would say it to his face when he's home, and not continue via text, where anything can get misconstrued.

JoanRanger · 19/03/2014 08:34

Is he Scottish? As a half-Scot I've found this is pretty typical of a certain type of Scot. It's not really anti-you, it's just a, er, fear of the expending of optimistic emotion needlessly. Of pride coming before a fall. It's more about vestigial Calvinism.

I've had the same multiple times from family, as have others I know. "I think I did really well in that interview." "Don't get too excited, you might not get it." etc etc etc

adds all possible disclaimers re. not saying it was ALL Scots

Fifyfomum · 19/03/2014 08:39

He is not Scottish but not British either!

techno I have asked you to expand because I am interested in what you have to say, is using someone's name in conversation (twice in this case) rude?

He is on the other side of the world, as such sometimes we have to have conversations without being face to face.

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