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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have stayed off work today

91 replies

pleaseno81 · 14/03/2014 09:38

I'm never ill - I've never thrown up since I was a kid. In my early 30s now.

DD and I have been hit with a horrible bug and I spent most of last night over the toilet bowl projectile vomiting.

I could sense DHs mounting panic that his work might be affected as I just felt in no fit state to look after toddler and sick baby.

Thankfully nursery have taken DS all day but I'm still so pissed off DH didn't just bite the bullet and tell work he wasn't coming in. I'm properly ill and whenever he's ill I make a big fuss and the kids aren't even allowed in the bedroom for the day.

I also have another health condition which makes things so much trickier when I'm ill.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NeverQuiteSure · 14/03/2014 09:44

YA probably NBU

Is there a particular reason why he wouldn't want to take a day off? Job insecurity?

My DH used to work away and I was quite often left with 2 sick children and sick myself. It is a horrible, horrible situation to be in. My DH couldn't take time off though as he was a contractor in a very competitive industry and we desperately needed the money and job security.

I hope you feel better soon.

junkfoodaddict · 14/03/2014 09:45

No. YANBU. Welcome to the club.

I can be ill with a temp of 39.9 (as I was on several occasions) with a raging throat infection and I am STILL expected to get up to crying baby and tend to him at 5:30am whist DH has a 'lie-in'.

In fact, he ALWAYS has a lie-in on a weekend - despite me working full time too, longer hours than him AND having work to do on an evening and weekend. (One of many reasons why i am reconsidering having a second child!) Sorry, hijacking!

Have you actually requested that he stays home?

If he is refusing, then STOP pandering to him when he's ill.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 14/03/2014 09:49

I'm torn. I wouldn't expect DP to take the day off (and lose a days pay) for me if I was sick, unless I physically couldn't get out of bed.

But if you've been throwing up and can't look after your kids, then as their parent he has as much responsibility as you do for them, and he needs to tell his boss that he needs to stay home because his children are unwell.

I guess it depends how sick you are and how much you need the days pay, and how much his job will be affected if he stays at home.

gets sore bum from sitting on fence

Original poster
pleaseno81 · 14/03/2014 09:50

He does all he can to help but work is non negotiable in his eyes.

I can't say what he does but the world wouldn't collapse if he didn't go in. He's very reliable. Very very very rarely takes time off (broke his arm recently and still went in every day) and is in early every morning.

Thankfully I'm not over the bowl this morning but I'm feeling pretty rotten.

He has been really mean me too saying that 'we're adults' and can't just phone in sick.

I will never pander to his illness again.

OP posts:
CoffeeChocolateWine · 14/03/2014 09:54

YANBU to want him to stay off work. Just like IWBU when I wanted my DH to take a day off or at least work from home when I had flu and a chest infection a few weeks ago. He didn't either.

But in honesty I don't know many husbands that would or could...my fellow SAHM friends and I often moan about this and it's the crappest thing about being a SAHM...you don't get a day off when you are feeling like crap. You just have to plough on. Is there anyone else nearby who could help you out? Could you ask your DH to at least come home early so he can help out with bathtime/bedtime?

Hope you feel better soon.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 14/03/2014 09:55

My dh is the same. He refused to stay off work when I was very ill.

Then he had an interview and told work I was sick so he needed the day off to look after the children!

Definitely do not pander to him when he is ill again. Tell him if he is off work he can help out at home. If he protests this isn't fair point out that he is an adult.

Hope you feel better soon.

AShadowStirsWithin · 14/03/2014 09:55

Yep time to get tough and stop pandering to him OP. What he's just told you is that he expects you to martyr yourself just as much as he does. My ex was like that, would expect me to look after kids when I'd just come out of hospital with severe pain and when I was supposed to be on bed rest. He thought this because he had gone into work when he had a tooth abscess and was almost hallucinating with pain. Apparently adults "fight through it". When he gets home I suggest you lock yourself in the bathroom for a bath or shut yourself away somewhere and force him to deal with DCs. And next time he's ill, tell him you are going out, leave him with the kids and make a pointed comment about him being "an adult".

Groovee · 14/03/2014 09:57

Stop pandering to him when he is ill and let him get the jist of what you are having to go through today.

Only1scoop · 14/03/2014 09:57

Lets just say you know what to do next time he is ill in bed.

SauceForTheGander · 14/03/2014 10:00

This is my DH too. He's really caring - and will try to juggle with enough notice - but wouldn't take a day off like this and goes in when he's ill too. He doesn't take all his holiday which has caused arguments.

His boss sent him home when I was 41 weeks pg struggling with a toddler.

Get well soon.

MsVestibule · 14/03/2014 10:01

This sounds exactly like the attitude of my friend's DH. He's never taken a day off sick and it doesn't matter how ill my friend has been, he hasn't taken time off. When her DCs were tiny, I took my DCs round to get house so she could go to bed for a few hours - she was actually incapable of looking after them.

Fortunately I've only once been ill enough to need DH to stay off for one day (5 years ago, when DC2 was only a few weeks old) and he did, reluctantly. I've been on this type of thread before where a poster has said "Just have a duvet day and let the kids watch cbeebies." Bit difficult when you need to prepare bottles, change nappies and the DCs won't cooperate by sitting quietly, in between your dashes to the loo with it coming out both ends!!

Original poster
pleaseno81 · 14/03/2014 10:04

Well sounds like I'm not the only one!! I'm glad though that everyone has been supportive and not said I just to man up and get on with it, which today I'll have to do.

Just thank God nursery have DS as toddler, sick baby and sick me would have just been beyond me today. She's a good baby thank goodness.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 14/03/2014 10:04

Next time he's very ill get a friend to call with something urgent you have to attend to and tell him he needs to get out of bed and look after the children while you're out - all day.

Feel better soon!

WooWooOwl · 14/03/2014 10:04

It depends on his job and his level of responsibility, unless you are so ill that you genuinely cannot look after your children properly and you need help to do anything.

I wouldn't expect my DH to take time off work if I had a stomach bug, but then if he doesn't go to work he doesn't get paid, so if I can manage then I do.

NeverQuiteSure · 14/03/2014 10:07

In that case, YADNBU. What a horrible attitude.

Original poster
pleaseno81 · 14/03/2014 10:07

MsV you've summed it up there - I don't 'get' this duvet day thing with baby and toddler.

What a good friend you are to your friend. That was a really good thing to do.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 14/03/2014 10:20

God, women get such a bad deal from living with men.

I've always had to struggle through no matter how ill I am, because I am a single mother. It's part of the deal. It's not supposed to be part of the deal if you have a partner.

Original poster
pleaseno81 · 14/03/2014 10:23

You are a hero Ask. Being a single mother is a staggering feat in my mind.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 14/03/2014 10:27

LOL, no I'm not, I don't do anything more than women with useless partners do. And sadly Mumsnet shows us that there is an awful lot of them. I just do it without the extra laundry. Grin

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 14/03/2014 10:27

But if your partner has to go to work to pay the bills, you don't have a choice. If DP doesn't go to work, he doesn't get paid. We can't afford for either of us to have days off work due to sickness.

If I'm sick, I'm sick regardless of whether DP is around or not. If I can cope, I will cope because we need the money he brings in.

Bestthingtodo · 14/03/2014 10:33

Wow. I'm on day 3 of nasty bug, 4yo came down with it today and couldn't go to nursery, I text my EX and he took a parental leave day. It's the second time I've had to ask him in 4 years, it's a huge thing, but both times he's done it without a murmur. It's what you do when you're a parent, make sure your kids are looked after.

Bestthingtodo · 14/03/2014 10:34

Thedoctors, neither of us take time off work lightly, we both work hard. Today I can not look after my sick son so he is.

sleepyhead · 14/03/2014 10:35

If it's a virus then he's likely to have his head down the loo in, ooh 24hrs or so.

I hope you've got some lengthy child free errands planned for the weekend op.

pianodoodle · 14/03/2014 10:37

Last time I had a bug I was stuck at the toilet and DD (2) set Rock 'n Roll Elmo at the bathroom door just out of my reach and kept walking past switching him on every time he stopped.

He only plays two songs. Jackson ABC and Shake Rattle and Roll :(

My stomach still lurches when I hear them!

Standinginline · 14/03/2014 10:41

My partner is the most attentive ,caring guy you'd meet. He does more than his fair share if parenting and jobs round the house ,but not even he took the day off when I was pregnant with stomach bug ,being sick every hour. Had a toddler to tend to (I know it's only the one kid ,but pretty certain it would've been the same if I had 2, 3 etc...). I didn't ask though and sometimes men don't think. Would he have taken it off if you'd asked ?