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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have stayed off work today

91 replies

pleaseno81 · 14/03/2014 09:38

I'm never ill - I've never thrown up since I was a kid. In my early 30s now.

DD and I have been hit with a horrible bug and I spent most of last night over the toilet bowl projectile vomiting.

I could sense DHs mounting panic that his work might be affected as I just felt in no fit state to look after toddler and sick baby.

Thankfully nursery have taken DS all day but I'm still so pissed off DH didn't just bite the bullet and tell work he wasn't coming in. I'm properly ill and whenever he's ill I make a big fuss and the kids aren't even allowed in the bedroom for the day.

I also have another health condition which makes things so much trickier when I'm ill.

AIBU?

OP posts:
thatswhatimtalkingbout · 14/03/2014 10:41

This is part of why I went back to work.

When dd1 was about 4 months od we both got filthy colds. Worse than your average one, but not flu. I was too ill and shivery to get out of the house but dd1 was too sad and miserable to be put down and needed to be walked and I walked up and down the hall for a long time with her in the sling while she grizzled gently, it was the only way to stop her actually screaming, it was a long day with no rest for either of us, nor any decent sleep the night before, and I could see another night like that ahead, and in desperation in the afternoon I called dp and asked him to come home half an hour early because I couldn't see me making it till the usual time, I was absolutely desperate and had been counting the hours till someone coming back since he left in the morning. He laughed at me. I went cold with humiliation and rage and resentment that he thought it was so funny that I was struggling. I had tried so hard not to ask for help and asking for half an hour's grace apparently made me a laughably weak little woman.

When I phone in sick to work nobody laughs at me.

Blatherskite · 14/03/2014 10:42

My (D)H did this to me a few weeks ago.

I had been to the doctors on the Thursday as I felt so awful and was told that I had the flu. By Thursday night I was worse and no amount of painkillers were helping with the pain in my chest. DH knew I'd checked with everyone I could think of to help and no-one was available. I was so poorly and really not safe to drive to do the school runs.

He still went to work Sad He had a meeting apparently.

I didn't want him home all day, I just needed him to do the school run. This may have made him late for his meeting but a) only by half an hour at most and b) he's sent other people from his team into meetings on his behalf before. He wouldn't have lost a days pay and as he handed in his notice just this week and knew this was coming, it's hardly as if he needed to be too bothered about upsetting anyone. He's never ill himself so half an hour late would have made no difference to anyone.

But once again work comes before anything else.

To add insult to injury, it was Valentines day too and as he figured I was so mad at him, any flowers he bought would probably get thrown at him (he may have had a point) he decided to just ignore the whole day - no card even. He says he's going to make this up to me but it's been a month now and nothing.

I did the school run and DS's teacher looked visibly shocked at how awful I looked and told me to go and sit in the car and she'd look after DS. I dropped DD off at pre school too. I should probably have not gone but I was in no fit state to look after them and they were both well so needed to be in school. I then had to do both of the pick ups too and drove us all back to the doctors where I promptly burst into tears. The doctor gave me strong pain killers which knocked me out for the weekend.

He's screwed the next time he's ill and wants sympathy.

Lollypop1983 · 14/03/2014 10:42

Is there anyway he could take a half day? Or work from home?

I'm not ill often, but when I had a terrible d & v bug, my DH took a half day and worked from home. It gave me some child free time to get some rest.

RiverTam · 14/03/2014 10:42

once you're well I'd arrange to go away for the weekend or similar and leave your 'D'H to get on with it. For several weekends on the trot. Most people get annual paid leave and unpaid parental leave - absolutely no reason why he can't use it other than arrogance and selfishness.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 14/03/2014 10:43

My DH wouldn't even think of staying off work if I was ill, he never even thinks to ask if I need anything, he just tells me to go to bed - yes, like I can do that when I have 2 children to look after (3 if you include him!)

RiverTam · 14/03/2014 11:03

why do you put up with it?

AskBasil · 14/03/2014 11:06

Thedoctors, I think there's a balance and where someone is self-employed, where the finance system will collapse if you don't go in, etc., then yes, I think sometimes it's just bad luck and there's no help for it and the two people involved feel like shit that they can't support each other and that's sad and they muddle through.

But quite often, there is help for it. There is actually a legal right in this country, to take days off to look after children who are sick, for all parents, not just mothers. Not enough men utilise these days when they could do, because they don't value the free childcare their SAHM DP's provide, they take it for granted as they don't see it as their responsibility to look after their own children when their DP's are sick and some of the posts make clear that some of these men simply don't love and value the women they live with enough, to treat them with the consideration and care they deserve when they're ill.

Which needs to change, otherwise we'll be reading posts like these from our daughters in thirty years time. Women need a better deal - I would rather my daughter was a single mother, knowing what that means, than that she lived with a man who valued her as low as some of the men on this thread value their partners. She deserves better and so do all the women on this thread. I'll bugger off now as I don't want to upset anyone and actually reading about how shabbily women are treated when they are feeling ill and low and vulnerable is upsetting me. You all deserve better. Thanks

slithytove · 14/03/2014 11:34

I was recently very ill (temperature, vomiting, the lot) with flu. Looking after DS and pregnant. Oh insisted on working but was kind enough to let me sleep on Saturday. Was meant to be the whole weekend but he couldn't cope with DS for more than 1 full day.

A week later he got it and took 2 days off sick. He was not vomiting and did not have a temperature.

oscarwilde · 14/03/2014 11:44

How is your cashflow as a family? I'd be tempted to register with an agency for emergency nanny care. You have to complete forms in advance so someone can pick it up quickly eg: if your kids have allergies or special needs etc. Then the next time when the choice is to pay someone 15-20 an hour because you are too ill to look after your children, your DH has a choice to make. A days leave or 200.

He's being a tosser.

Original poster
pleaseno81 · 14/03/2014 11:48

I'm properly bad now Sad

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 14/03/2014 12:41

Do you have any options at all?

Original poster
pleaseno81 · 14/03/2014 13:06

No but thank you for asking

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 14/03/2014 13:42

Could your husband be home in time to collect your toddler from nursery if he left now? Unless he is a frickin' surgeon I think it is time to call him and tell him he needs to step up and get his ass home NOW

if necessary tell him that you collapsed and came around to find the baby screaming, and have no idea how long you were out cold for

NeverQuiteSure · 14/03/2014 13:44

You poor thing Sad

I agree completely with AskBasil that so many WOH parents just don't value the free childcare provided by their partners and that they don't see looking after the children as their responsibility. You have to challenge it (not right now, obviously, but when you are feeling better).

I said up thread that my DH worked away for some time; for over 2 years we saw him an average of maybe 6 days per month. The children were 1 and 2 years old when he started and we had very little in the way of practical support from family and friends. When he changed job and was home every night we had a happy but rather awkward period where it became clear that he had no idea what keeping a house and parenting young children involved. However, he was willing to learn. There are still moments where he just assumes I will deal with something child-related, but when it's pointed out it changes.

I really hope you feel better soon and that you've managed to pass this onto your husband

TheArticFunky · 14/03/2014 13:48

I really hate it when I'm ill because being ill and looking after children is no fun at all. Sometimes it just isn't feasible for the partner to take time off and it's at times like this when you really wish that you had family who could help.

EEatingSoupForLunch · 14/03/2014 13:58

I have a heavy cold and possible chest infection. I am looking after baby (lying on sofa watching her play) and have DC1 after school. DH won't leave work early or even have us pick him up, he would rather come home on public transport, which means I am on my own with them more than an hour longer. I have booked DC1 into after school club as a break for myself (feeling guilty) and plan on CBeebies until he gets back. He can sort dinner too. I feel grim.

EEatingSoupForLunch · 14/03/2014 14:00

Sorry I just saw how bad you feel. Thanks

Glasshammer · 14/03/2014 14:09

DP has done it twice in the 12 years of me being a SAHM. Nobody ever warns you what it's like to look after children while being debilitatingly ill.

haventgotaclue · 14/03/2014 14:53

Well whenever he comes down with this virus, you take the baby to him wherever he is (even in bed) and go out for the day. He can have a taste of his own medicine.

Sometimes it's the only way to show people how unreasonable they've been.

Original poster
pleaseno81 · 14/03/2014 15:11

Hi all - he's going to pick up toddler and come home. Hopefully he'll be here in the next hour.

It's been fairly grim but because DD is poorly too she's just wanted to cuddle.

Thanks again for your support - I was expecting 'get bloody on with it!'

OP posts:
NeverQuiteSure · 14/03/2014 15:18

So glad he's coming home. About bloody time too.

Blatherskite · 14/03/2014 15:39

Glad he's coming home OP. When I whinged at my Mum (via text, she lives too far away to help) she told me to "adjust my attitiude" because DH works hard! When discussing it with both of my SILs, I got told that being abandoned with 2 kids while so ill you could barely stand was "being a Mum"

Honestly, I could leave the lot of them Angry

NurseyWursey · 14/03/2014 15:41

Aw I feel really sorry for you but I'm in the same position, my DP simply can't take time off work and that's how it is. He would absolutely love to be able to. He did once and well.. it didn't go so well let me tell you. His bosses are arseholes.

Hope you get better soon

oscarwilde · 14/03/2014 15:58

Good for you.
Feel better soon AND DON'T GET OUT OF BED TOMORROW except to make retching noises in the bathroom. Grin I'd suggest he sleeps in another room [floor of the toddlers room perhaps] tonight to avoid getting it too......

Expect him to milk it if he comes down with it though

MajorGrinch · 14/03/2014 16:15

He probably felt that as an adult you're quite capable of looking after the kids even if ill.

Also, if he stayed at home with you lot it increases his chance of getting the bug too!!

I see where he's coming from I'm afraid so yes YABU...

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