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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is 4 too young for pocket money?

57 replies

BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 07:48

My dd is becoming very spoilt. We buy her new things like books etc and her grandparents buy her masses of toys for no reason. Because of this she is starting to be ungrateful and demanding. I know it's our fault but mainly theirs so am wondering how to fix it before it gets too bad.

Therefore wibu to give her a small amount of pocket money to save up for things she wants? Money based on good behaviour? She's very able (I know she's my daughter but she is; she has a high level of understanding) and I think maybe now is the time to introduce the value of money to her.

Any advice?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 10/03/2014 07:51

Yes it is too young and you wonder why she is spoilt? What's the need for that right now?

givemeaclue · 10/03/2014 07:53

Unless she is very advanced she wont have the maths skills at four to be able to properly use money. Just don't spoil her so much!

VelvetGecko · 10/03/2014 07:54

I started ds's pocket money aged 4 for the same reasons, over generous GP's. Mainly I just wanted ds to understand that if he wanted that toy he saw on the adverts he'd have to save up for it.
He definitely understands that now but I still have to constantly remind the GP's to stop buying him stuff.

AlwaysOneMissing · 10/03/2014 07:56

I will watch answers with interest. My DS is 4 and recently had a tantrum demanding a new toy as he had lost one of his. We thought it might be a good lesson for him to learn that he doesn't get things on demand (!) so we now tell him that if he tidies his bedroom he gets £1 to put in his money box then when he has enough we can go to the shops and buy the toy he wants.
I'm not sure myself whether he's too young for this, but he understands the concept of earning the money then saving it up until he has the correct amount, and he no longer tries to demand things.

DomesticDisgrace · 10/03/2014 07:58

Definitely too young I think, just explain to them that it has to stop and take "serious" measures when she acts like a spoilt brat.
At 4 there shouldn't be much value placed on material things so I'd disagree with pocket money for that reason too.

Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 07:59

Ok she would easily be able to understand that if she had £4 and a toy was £6 then she wouldn't have enough money.

Thank you velvet! Does it work for your ds? Problem is over generous GPs are my pils so can't think of how to ask them not to spoil her so much... I know they get a lot of enjoyment out of it (and are pretty loaded too) Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 08:00

Always - that's pretty much how I'd handle it, thanks! Thanks for other replies too. Still reading with interest.

OP posts:
VelvetGecko · 10/03/2014 08:08

Yeah it works. He gets excited when he's saved enough for something he wants. I was terrible with money when I was younger so I'm hoping he's learning the importance of saving!
I'm a LP, no paternal gp's around so it's not a difficult conversation for me to have with my own parents. That's part of the problem, I think they like to spoil him because his dad's not around.
Thankfully he doesn't behave like a spoilt child and will happily accept he can't have something if it costs too much. His favourite place to spend his pocket money is the local charity shops.

Joysmum · 10/03/2014 08:26

My own DD only got regular pocket money when it was clear it wasn't going on sweets etc.

Megrim · 10/03/2014 08:34

I started mine off with pocket money at around age 4. It's a good way of teaching them that they need to save up for things, ie you don't have enough pocket money for that toy car this week, but you will have enough for it next week. It's also about choice, ie you can buy this car or that car, but you don't have enough for both.

Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 08:35

Joysmum- she'd obviously only be able to spend it with us present and we wouldn't let her spend it on sweets, in fact she wouldn't even think to spend it on sweets!

Thanks again for responses!

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/03/2014 08:35

We started at 5.5 and that was early. I think 4 is too young.

Children can have loads of toys and not be spoilt. Being spoiled isn't about how many toys you have, it's about your attitude/ manners. It's your job to teach her as she's only 4.

Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 08:36

Yes Megrim, that's what I'm thinking! Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 08:40

Re: attitude and manners, she says thank you etc but I kind of think she's just talking the talk. She does appreciate new toys but doesn't understand the value of them, eg another poster whose son had a tantrum re: replacing a broken toy. She doesn't tantrum but doesn't seem to understand that things don't just appear, no matter how many times we've explained to her that people work hard for money to buy the things they want/need.

Parenting tips appreciated from people who know better than me!

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/03/2014 08:48

But she won't, she's 4, you can talk until you're blue in the face it won't mean any thing yet.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/03/2014 08:49

You need to talk to the grand parents or put the toys away so she's not got so many.

Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 08:51

Ok was just replying to DameDiazepam above. My job to teach her attitude and manners. Besides teaching her to say thank you etc and appreciate/look after her toys, what else can I do? She was very ungrateful yesterday when she got a present from another family member and it made me so embarrassed and sad that she would be like that- hence this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 08:52

Ah cross posted. Yes I do need to streamline the toys. Will do that when she's at nursery this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 08:53

Oh FFS sorry- was talking to one and the same person!! Baby brain!

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exhaustedmummymoo · 10/03/2014 08:54

Ooh I am just plan evil mummy! My children (pre schools but eldest nearly 4) if they so much as put a toe out of line toys get put in a special bin which then goes to charity shop, or if they behave they get the toy back...depending on the level of misdemeanour....they also come with me to give the toys to charity shop....initially we had HUGE tantrums, but I followed through, now they accept if they do wrong ie throw their toys, break their toys etc then there are consequences...but most of the time they are pretty well behaved and its been a while since toys have gone in the bin. Having said that they damaged a library book, so favourite toy went in bin, and they had to apologise to Liberian when we took the book back! I have never bought them toys when they are with me when I am shopping as I think this spirals into mega strops if they can't have something. If GP give toys ask GP to let take toy back to their house so children can enjoy it when they are with GP. My MIL loves to spoil her GC but she knows if she brings a new toy with her it also goes back with her...she's fine with this, although initially she was a bit hurt, but when I explained the reasoning behind it she was brilliant and now is very accepting of our house rules...oh crickey i sound like a right mini dictator! Hahhaha watch it all back fire when they hit their teens because of super shitty controlling mummy!

freedom2011 · 10/03/2014 08:56

hi - disclaimer - I am not yet a parent so could be talking rubbish but I was once a kid so maybe this qualifies me a bit. I don't remember any of the gifts my grandparents gave me as a child. not one. I do remember

  • playing in the sandpit
  • my grandfather teaching me to tie my shoe laces
  • baking with my grandmother
  • long walks through the woods near their house

is it possible to suggest to your PIL to spend time rather than cash on your child? that way you could say, it's really important DD has great memories of you and her childhood. if they really want to flash the cash they can perhaps fund a trip to the zoo, or to the beach, or a picnic in the park.

Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/03/2014 09:00

Ah thanks freedom- the problem is that they're really very loving and fabulous grandparents and do all that stuff with them- hence the Sad face at having to consider asking them not to splash the cash.

OP posts:
exhaustedmummymoo · 10/03/2014 09:05

Ok I take it all back my children are revolting! Having just written the above whist on the loo, came back into living room to the mini humans have been into kitchen helped themselves to banana and sugar, and sugar is now everywhere as are bits of banana. However when I saw their little faces a burst into giggles so no toys in the bin this time! My fault for not putting things away! However they will help with the hoovering!

TunipTheUnconquerable · 10/03/2014 09:06

Depends on the child and the context.
My older 2 started at 4 but my youngest has been having pennies in a jar when he does a wee successfully in the toilet, and now we're stopping that we're moving over towards pocket money. Otherwise he gets left out when his older siblings talk about saving up.
He doesn't always understand the numbers involved but he does understand 'you can afford x but not y; if you buy a you won't have enough money left for b'.

However, OP, I think you need to deal with the grandparents buying her stuff. We had a similar problem because their granny absolutely loves giving them treats and gets a bit carried away (when dd was a baby she would turn up with a whole bag of soft toys rather than one). We explained to her that we didn't feel it was helping with behaviour (or the space problem) and that the kids weren't valuing the toys as they should, and that we think the really valuable thing that she could give them was her time and attention. So instead of buying things, their granny now puts her effort into planning things she can do with each one of them in turn and when we visit she takes them out on individual treats (eg theatre for dd, motorcycle museum for ds1). It's working really well. And of course there are presents too but not as many. The buying is more carefully thought through, too, so rather than turn up with a whole bunch of books it would be 'I'm going to take you into town and buy you a book' and they can spend ages choosing.

Thing is, people can feel rejected and upset if you say 'Stop buying stuff for my kids!' but if what you are actually saying to them is 'They don't need more things, they need you' it's much more positive.

exhaustedmummymoo · 10/03/2014 09:06

And oh god any ideas for how to remove sugar hand prints from tv screen...anybody?!