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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasonable

120 replies

stinkypete71 · 09/03/2014 09:08

Quite complicated this, basically my husband moved 3 hours away from his kids a year & half ago & we've had regular contact, we meet half way every 2 weeks and share the holidays, but his ex has recently had a baby & is now refusing to bring them every other weekend, it might settle down and get back to how it was before, it's just worrying as his daughter is only 9 and is feeling really down and just wants to see her dad. My husband was and is very close to her... any advice anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
stinkypete71 · 09/03/2014 09:09

sorry should have added we cant afford to go all the way up and collect her, so we're reliant on being able to meet half-way...

OP posts:
LucyLasticBand · 09/03/2014 09:11

do you mean his OW? not his ex?

if that is the case, that is not fair, not fair on your dd at all.

LucyLasticBand · 09/03/2014 09:12

doesnt he drive?

K8eee · 09/03/2014 09:12

when you say his ex won't bring them every other weekend, who won't she bring? dh and I are in a very similar situation ourselves, but his ex won't even consider meeting us half way unless it's in exceptional circumstances. really inconvenient as we have a seasonal business and kids holidays are our busiest time. I wish she was more reasonable as you sound really fair!

mymiraclebubba · 09/03/2014 09:12

I am afraid as he chose to move the onus is on him to do the travelling to collect/drop off.

A newborn can only be in the car seat for a maX of 2 hours at a time before needing a half hour out ofnit to stretch. So I don't think she is bu

You may need to adjust contact or find other arrangements until things cam return to normal

Lonecatwithkitten · 09/03/2014 09:13

For a while could he not do more of the driving? I could understand not wanting to do a 3 hour round trip twice in a weekend with a newborn and possibly trying to breast feed too.
From the way I see it your H moved away his ex has compromised and facilitated contacted by doing half the driving up until now, he now needs to compromise and change how contact is organised to facilitate and equally big change in his Ex's life.

Ragwort · 09/03/2014 09:13

I think your DH has to make it every priority to collect his DD - surely there is something you could cut down on to find the money?

Smoorikins · 09/03/2014 09:13

I think while she has a new baby you need to suck it up - maybe go for a whole weekend once a month instead. But I wouldn't have been up for travelling that distance with a young baby on a regular basis.

He moved, so the onus is on him to do the lions share of the travel. You've been lucky so far.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 09/03/2014 09:14

Why would he need to bring the newborn on the journey?

Also, is dd mature enough to be put on a train and met at the other end?

littlemisssarcastic · 09/03/2014 09:16

I don't take my DD half way. Dad picks her up and drops her off.
Perhaps his ex is finding it very difficult with a new baby.
Why did you move so far away if you then need to rely on someone else to help you with travel so your husband can see his DD?

Coconutty · 09/03/2014 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniMitchell · 09/03/2014 09:16

Tbh I can see how his ex is reluctant to do this when she's just had a baby! Can you go the full distance less often but keep in touch with your DH's DD over Skype in between visits? Could you also try to negotiate longer visits with his DD over the holidays?

I'm assuming he had to move 3hrs away for work or something, rather than 'just because' if it's proving so hard to meet up with her.

K8eee · 09/03/2014 09:16

I'm watching with interest. really interesting to see people's opinions on this. my dh has to fork out petrol money as well as £200 maintenance each month if he wants to meet half way. hope it gets resolved so you're both happy op

Hegsy · 09/03/2014 09:16

Why did he move 3 hours from his kids? Is there a court order in place? What does it say about drop offs/pick ups?

I'd say he's going to have to suck it up, of ots not court ordered she was doing him a favour and has no obligation to continue. That's 6 hours out of her weekend. I wouldn't really want to do that every other week unless I really had to.

Meepers · 09/03/2014 09:16

Sorry he chose to move away from his kids. He should have made sure he could afford to maintain contact if anything were the happen meaning the driving couldn't be shared.

Since you used to meet half way would his ex be willing to lower the financial agreement? Is the child responsible enough to be put on a train and collected at the other side?

catchingzeds · 09/03/2014 09:17

It's s tricky one and I can understand both points of view but do think if you are the ones that moved away the onus is on you to make the journey.
Maybe when the new baby is in more of a routine your current arrangement could resume but in the meantime could you cut back somewhere and do the full journey?

Supercosy · 09/03/2014 09:17

Agree with other posters. I do feel for you all because it's a difficult situation but totally understand his ex's veiwpoint. There's no way I'd be doing that with a small baby.

AgentProvocateur · 09/03/2014 09:18

As your husband moved three hours away from his children, the onus is in him to travel to see them. The ex sounds like she has gone out her way to facilitate this, but expecting her to drive for six hours every second weekend with a baby in the car is just too much.

Could your husband book a hotel where his children are, and stay there for the weekend?

LucyLasticBand · 09/03/2014 09:19

oh i think i understand now,
his ex has a baby and a 9 year old,

the newborn wont be new born for long.
i guess the 9 year old will have to miss out a couple of weekends.

littlemisssarcastic · 09/03/2014 09:21

I don't agree that the 9 year old should miss out on spending time with her dad. He chose to move so far away. Like other posters have said, the onus is on him to pick up and drop off.

Original poster
stinkypete71 · 09/03/2014 09:23

Wow - didnt expect such a quick response! To clear a few things up, yes we both drive and no i wouldnt dream of her bringing the baby with her, her new partner has said he'd help out, i know things will settle down, its just hard hearing how upset she is and i know how much my husband misses her. Also the financial situation, yes he moved away but he had no other choice, she was part of this situation but has always refused to admit that, but the bit that really gets my blood boiling is her argument is now that legally they dont need to bring them half-way, she is providing access, if we cant get to them - tough!!!

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 09/03/2014 09:27

If he choose to move that far away, then it's his responsibility to find the money and the time to do the travelling.

His ex, who had no choice in how far away her child's father decided to live, has been very accommodating by doing half the journey until now. Presumably she did that because she was putting her dds wishes first, but now she has two children to consider, and one of them is a newborn, it's reasonable for her to expect the parent that chose to move away to do the running.

Lj8893 · 09/03/2014 09:30

If I was to break up with my dp, and he chose to move a distance away, then I'm sorry but I wouldn't be driving any distance over 10 miles.

He chose to move, so he has to arrange transport on his weekends.

pickles184 · 09/03/2014 09:30

Why did you have to move 3 hours away from his children? Also is it not possible to cut back on a few things to free up the extra fuel until the newborn is older? A 3 hour drive shouldn't be costing much more than £15-25 surely?

mymiraclebubba · 09/03/2014 09:30

Unfortunately she is correct! And a court will probably rule the same if it was to go to that! As far as the court sees it her role is provide access not to do the drop off/pick up (just gone thru it with dsc's) which is shit but how it is seen I am afraid.

She may have contributed to the need to move but 3 hours away?! Really?!

I have a 6 month old & if dp's exw upped and moved 3 hours away with the kids I sure as he'll wouldn't be driving to fetch or drop off every other weekend! She has been more than accommodating imo so I think you and do need to either such it up or move closer

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