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AIBU?

Are we being unreasonable

120 replies

stinkypete71 · 09/03/2014 09:08

Quite complicated this, basically my husband moved 3 hours away from his kids a year & half ago & we've had regular contact, we meet half way every 2 weeks and share the holidays, but his ex has recently had a baby & is now refusing to bring them every other weekend, it might settle down and get back to how it was before, it's just worrying as his daughter is only 9 and is feeling really down and just wants to see her dad. My husband was and is very close to her... any advice anyone?

OP posts:

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MissDuke · 09/03/2014 11:57

I also think your dh needs to collect his dd. Has he anywhere he could stay with Dd to avoid doing the journey twice? Of course the ex can't make that journey reguarly now with a newborn and the partner shouldn't be expected to either, assuming he works all week - he needs time with his family too. It all sounds very unsettling for dd too. Have you looked into moving closer to Dd , perhaps a job will come up eventually if he keeps looking?

PorkPieandPickle · 09/03/2014 12:05

Sorry, but I think it's up to your husband to facilitate contact (and I'm a stepmum too) we moved closer to DSS for this very reason. The ex has been more than reasonable so far, and now has a perfectly legitimate reason not to be able to travel. It is not her partners responsibility to bring your dsd to your husband.

soverylucky · 09/03/2014 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/03/2014 12:13

Its a shame you can't afford the extra travel
But the ex is not bu to not do the journey with a new baby.

XiCi · 09/03/2014 12:31

I think he should have given more consideration to this situation before he moved 3 hrs away from his dd. Was there really no other option than to move that distance? I also think the ex has been more than reasonable meeting you half way so far. It must be an expense and inconvenience to her and there's no way I'd do it with a newborn.

ikeaismylocal · 09/03/2014 12:35

I think your partner is being unreasonable. He moved away, he needs to collect his child.

Is there nothing you can cut down on to be able to afford the petrol money? Internet maybe?

hamptoncourt · 09/03/2014 12:50

YABU. If my ex chose to move three hours away I would expect him to do all the travelling and to bear the costs, even if I didn't have a new baby.

There are NRP out there who would crawl over broken glass to get more/any contact time with their DC. You and your DP sound pretty entitled and selfish to me. If he really wants to see her he will won't he? It's a question of priorities.

MsBehave · 09/03/2014 12:54

Sorry, parenting is the responsibility of both parents so I don't see why she can't leave the newborn with her partner to take DD part way to your husband?
Especially as he has offered to help out. Or, if she doesn't want to leave the newborn then her partner drive DD part of the way if he has offered to help out?

I don't think that is unreasonable given that his ex was part of the reason you had to move such a distance.

Hope you get it sorted OP. Access issues are never fun.

Supercosy · 09/03/2014 12:54

Are you basically saying that he took on their shared debt, then when they split up he had to move that far away to get a job which would allow him to pay off the debt and keep up his maintenance payments/live?

If that is actually the case then I agree that his ex does have a moral obligation to help him out now, not really a legal one though I'm guessing. Taking on a debt that actually belonged to both of them was a generous act and it should not now be the reason he doesn't get to see his Dd. However, I still think that journey is excessively long for all concerned and would try to find a different way around the situation. Say once a month but more time in the holidays.

waterrat · 09/03/2014 13:01

I find it hard to believe that there is really no way you and your partner can collect his daughter and get her to your place.

It seems like the ex is being reasonable in not wanting time out from the half way arrangement - she was being helpful for as long as she could.

You need to find a way to facilitate the 9 year old reaching you - have you considered trains? Or collecting less often/ during holidays Etc

ikeaismylocal · 09/03/2014 13:07

It is also pretty shit for your dsd to have to spend 6 hours in the car every other weekend. She won't be wanting to do that for much longer when she starts hanging out with her friends at the weekends.

Foodylicious · 09/03/2014 13:11

What do you do when you meet up half way?

I do think you ABU to expect her to consider much apart from her newborn just now.

How do you know the 9 year old is "feeling really down"? maybe it is more she is just quite reasonably feeling jealous about newborn than desperately missing her dad?

Not saying she isn't missing him, but not having it all being about her might just take some adjusting to.

It is great that you have had this arrangement up until now, but families are ever evolving and changing.
Also you said "kids" but have only mentioned the 9 yr old, are there others?

stinkypete71 · 09/03/2014 13:23

It's a 3 hour drive in total so hour & half to get her then hour & half back & as I say we have no choice where we live this side due to financial restrictions...and if course I wouldn't expect the baby to come too, her new partners said he'll do it... I'm just asking people's opinions as I don't know of anyone else in this position - thanks everyone

OP posts:

ikeaismylocal · 09/03/2014 13:25

So the problem is your dp doesn't want to drive an extra 45 minutes to pick up his dd?

Yabvvu

Viviennemary · 09/03/2014 13:34

I don't think the ex is being u. It's just a difficult set of circumstances. He will have to make the journey for the time being is what I would say.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/03/2014 13:48

So the ex's DP is going to do the drive?
What's the problem?

slithytove · 09/03/2014 13:51

Yabu.

I would not expect the ex wife to have ever driven half the way for dads access visits out of anything other than courtesy in this situation. Not only is she using 6 hours driving every weekend, it is her petrol money and wear and tear on the car.

If that has to stop for whatever reason, be it a new baby, loss of car, finances, or she just doesn't want to, then she has the right.

The responsibility is on dad to make sure he can maintain access with his daughter. I think you have been lucky up to now.

I also fail to believe that your only option was to move three hours away.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2014 14:01

stinkypete71 could you please clarify the distance? You started by saying "my husband moved 3 hours away from his kids ", since then it has become "It's a 3 hour drive in total so hour & half to get her then hour & half back". Is it an hour and a half's drive to his children's home, or an hour and a half's drive to the half-way point at which his ex has previously been willing to meet you?

stinkypete71 · 09/03/2014 14:04

Yep, sorry not sure how it's got so confused, an hour and half to pick up then an hour & back...

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 09/03/2014 14:09

The only person I feel for is the DD. Her dad upped sticks and now wont travel to fetch her. Not to mention the fact that she has to spend hours in the car.

He needs to man up and do the journey. I doubt there were no othere jobs closer than three hours away. The debt seems just an excuse to leave.

The fact that the pair of you are not putting the DD first speaks volumes.

soverylucky · 09/03/2014 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

basgetti · 09/03/2014 14:12

Are you saying that your DH hasn't seen his DD, and his DD is therefore distressed, for the sake of 45 minutes extra in the car? YABU.

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WooWooOwl · 09/03/2014 14:15

If he took on the debt, it doesn't sound like he was out of work at the time and had no option but to move to find a job.

Maybe the financial restriction is that he has to live with OP to cut his costs, and she lived further away.

The debt is a red herring I think, if he took it on then he took it on knowing that he would have to add that responsibility to the one he already had as a father. If he couldn't do both, then he shouldn't have done.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2014 14:21

So am I right in thinking that for your husband it is three hours in the car but six hours for his daughter?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2014 14:25

Sorry, my last post is unclear. Your husband drives for an hour and a half to the previously-used half-way point. So his children spend three hours in cars coming to visit, and another three hours back, is that right?

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