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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are we being unreasonable

120 replies

stinkypete71 · 09/03/2014 09:08

Quite complicated this, basically my husband moved 3 hours away from his kids a year & half ago & we've had regular contact, we meet half way every 2 weeks and share the holidays, but his ex has recently had a baby & is now refusing to bring them every other weekend, it might settle down and get back to how it was before, it's just worrying as his daughter is only 9 and is feeling really down and just wants to see her dad. My husband was and is very close to her... any advice anyone?

OP posts:

Lj8893 · 09/03/2014 19:01

Well yes, originally she said they lived 3 hours away which would make it 6 hours for the child in one day/weekend.

But then she said they only lived 1.5 hours away which would make it 3 hours for the child (but 6 hours for the father if he did all the driving).

Glasshammer · 09/03/2014 19:08

How olds the baby?

It may just be that the ex is exhausted with lack of sleep etc

Foodylicious · 09/03/2014 19:15

3 hr round trip for meet in the middle visits
= 3hrs from house to house,
any reason why DH can't drive over there & take her out for the day or spend time there if he gets on with ex ok?
that way no traveling time for DD

maddy68 · 09/03/2014 19:39

He moved away. He should travel to pick her up/see her. Sorry!

greenfolder · 09/03/2014 19:47

Well

I think the following words need to be deployed next time step dad brings her half way
Thank you
Its good of you
I appreciate it

That is all

emptychair · 09/03/2014 19:49

Just a glance into the future for you OP.

My DH and I moved 70 miles away from his DD when she was 9 due to financial reasons (crippling debt and needing to make choices for our own children meant we needed to move to a cheaper area). We have never asked or expected his Ex to do any of the travelling. It is an hour and 20 mins each way

We ran everything past DSD at the time, being age appropriately honest with her about what we were doing. She was quite happy, came to house viewings etc. All was fine for the year after we moved. Then she turned 10. Suddenly, she'd rather stay with her friends than come to us. One weekend (aged 13) she even refused to come once DH had arrived to collect her. Her mother's POV was we'd made our bed, lie in it and did nothing to help contact. There's been lots of angst despite DH doing his very very best to facilitate contact, always leaving the door open for her, helping her get herself out of corners during her teenage years etc etc.

Despite all this, we have not seen her since October. She is 16. No fallings out at the moment, she's just not interested in us.

I like my life where I live now and we have made good friends, and, while we need to live our lives for ourselves, if I could go back, I'd have tried harder to sort those finances to allow us to live in our old vicinity and not have moved so far away from her. No matter how legitimate our choices were, there are definite feelings of abandonment on her side and we can't chnage those no matter what we say to her.

GingerMaman · 09/03/2014 19:53

How old is their little baby? Maybe the baby has silent reflux or something of the sort, and they are just way too tired out

NachoAddict · 09/03/2014 20:31

I am really confused about the timing/distance.

Is it three hours from your house to dsd house so 6 hour trip each way for your dp or is it 1.5 hours to their house from yours so three hours drive each way?

Either way your dp moved so it is down to him to facilitate contact. Has he any family in his old area that he could spend time with dsd at? Also what age are the other children?

maddy68 · 09/03/2014 20:53

Jeez I travel that distance to work every day and back. Some people need a reality check!

CinnabarRed · 10/03/2014 06:59

Look, the distance thing works like this:

it is a 3 hour drive from OP's house to XW's house
XW and OP's DP currently meet half way for handover, so a 3 hour round trip for everyone concerned (1.5 hours to the half way point, 1.5 hours back) including the DD.
Drop off and pick up is therefore a total of 6 hours each time the DD stays with her Dad, 3 hours on pick up day and another 3 hours on drop off day
XW is now saying she won't bring DD half way
So, for the father, each trip becomes a 6 hour round trip: 3 hours to XW's house, 3 hours back
for the DD the total travel time won't change - still 6 hours per visit
for the father, the travel time per visit will double to 12 hours

Monetbyhimself · 10/03/2014 09:30

OP do you

a) live 90 minutes away from your partners child

b) live 3 hours away.

Original poster

stinkypete71 · 10/03/2014 10:12

3hrs

OP posts:

whattoWHO · 10/03/2014 10:31

How many children does your DH have with his exW?
From your OP, there are more than one. How old? Could they get on a coach or train?

tiggytape · 10/03/2014 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eightandthreequarters · 10/03/2014 10:41

I'd be asking myself where we can find the extra petrol money. He has to see his daughter, so it's a matter of budgeting. But if his ex is going to stop the half-way arrangement, then your DH needs to come up with a solution. It's not fair to you, true, but he needs to see his DD.

I took it that the DD was travelling 45 minutes to get to Dad, then 45 minutes back to Mum. So it's 3 hours travel for the driver (1.5 hours for each round trip), but only 1.5 hours for the child. I could be wrong!

tiggytape · 10/03/2014 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 10/03/2014 11:00

Surely it would have made sense then, up until now when there is a new baby to consider, to have one parent doing the journey there, and one parent doing the way back?

At least that way the total door to door journey time would be reduced for the poor child in the middle of this that has to do a ridiculous amount of travelling eow. It's always going to take longer when there's a stop in the middle.

The DH should really see this as an opportunity to reduce his child's journey time and do the collection and drop offs himself so at Least the child doesn't have to waste time in a car park somewhere while her parents do the niceties.

mymiraclebubba · 10/03/2014 12:58

I appreciate that you don't wish to divulge financial stuff stinkypete however without at least an idea of why the only option was a move 3 hours away from his dd then I really do fail to see why it is anyone's job other than his to do the travelling.

As a couple you have moved away so you are the only ones at fault irrespective of what part of the debt was created by his ez

Monetbyhimself · 10/03/2014 13:41

Did you move with him or did he move to live with you OP ?

Sixgeese · 10/03/2014 14:01

That isn't that long a drive DBIL does that (and more) every other weekend to pick up his DC when it was his ExW who moved away (and he lost his midweek visitation and doesn't get any extra time during the holidays which was verbally promised prior to the move), but he does it willingly (not happily) even though it means having not having much spare cash as he wants to see his DC .

At Christmas he drove up and back almost every day for a week so the DC were with the right parent on the right day according to the visitation agreement which was written when they lived in the same town, you make sacrifices when you have children

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